By Daniel Robin
If you notice yourself getting dug in or angry in the face
of differing views, ask for a time out and step out of the content for a moment and notice
if you are presently moving toward your true goal. If not, or if the situation is just
getting too uncomfortable, check to see which of the seven strategies shown below would be
most helpful in turning your conflict into collaboration.
Define what the conflict is about. Studies on
spousal disputes showed that about 75% of the time, partners are fighting about different
issues. Ask the other person "What’s the issue?" then "What’s
your concern here?" or "What do you feel we are fighting about?" Eventually
ask "What do you want to accomplish?" and "How can we work this out?"
It’s not you versus me; it’s you and
me versus the problem. The problem is the problem. It’s stupid to try to defeat
the other side, because after losing, the first thing the other side thinks is I need a
rematch (and I’ll come back with more firepower so I can win this time). If we
win at the other person’s expense, we also pay a price in the long run. We have a
world of rematches of rematches of rematches. Don’t bring your adversaries to their
knees, bring them to the table.
Identify your shared concerns against your one shared
separation. Deal with the conflict from where the relationship is strongest (where you
agree), not weakest. It’s easier and thus more likely to be effective if you move
from areas of agreement to areas of disagreement, than the other way around. Find common
ground by meeting the other person where they are. Acknowledge their viewpoint. Stand on
this common ground as a stronger platform from which to work out respective differences.
Sort out interpretations from facts. Never ask
people who have been in a fight what happened. You’ll get their interpretation, their
opinion, their version of what occurred. Instead ask, "What did you do or
say?" Then you get perceptions that are much closer to facts, not merely opinions.
Facts help clarify perceptions, which is basic to conflict dissolution.
Develop a sense of forgiveness. Reconciliation is
impossible without it. Many people are willing to bury the hatchet, but they insist on
remembering exactly where they buried it — in case they need it for the next battle.
Let it go completely (or decide when you will). A brilliant definition of forgiveness:
"giving up all hope for a better past."
Learn to listen actively. Turn it around, from
"when I talk, people listen to me," to "when I listen, people talk to
me." Habit Five in Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People is
"Seek first to understand, then to be understood." Take time to backtrack and
verify what you hear. Listen with the intent to understand; not with the intent to
respond. Take the first step toward reconciliation by being willing to listen with the
intention to understand, and by being willing to listen first. This unblocks the logjam of
right/wrong thinking, of ego and power struggle, of compassion over fear.
Purify your heart. You can’t get conflict and
violence out of other people without first getting it out of your own soul. We can’t
eliminate the weapons of the world without first getting them out of our own hearts.
Consider what you really want and find the place inside you that can lead you to
it. Peace begins at home. Peace begins with you.
Share this article with people around you. Experiment with
these strategies, and you’ll be paving the way for peaceful and rewarding
interactions in your business and personal life.
Discuss
this topic
online using ABetterWorkplace FORUM
(free
registration) |
