Daniel Robin & Associates

Making Workplaces Work Better

Overview: This 3-part article acts as your personal guide to setting and maintaining healthier boundaries in situations where you most need them– from making sure you don’t get eaten alive by your job, to dealing with people who would otherwise step all over you. The awareness acquired from reading this article and practicing these skills will help you do your best work and enjoy your success.

1. Exploring the "Inner Frontier" of Healthy Boundaries

Why and how boundaries make a difference. What are boundaries good for?

2. Three Essential Skills to Make Boundaries Work in the Workplace
   
   
3. What’s a Healthy Boundary between You and that Maniac?

Tips for setting a respectful boundary when other people get "emotionally hijacked," when the stakes are high, or when dealing with conflicts.

1. Exploring the "Inner Frontier" of Healthy Boundaries

"So what happened to you? It’s like you’ve been missing in action for weeks…."

"My job ate my life," Tom sighed, as the two high-tech workers sipped their half-decaf cappuccinos.

"May I offer a suggestion? Push back a little. Your life is more important."

"Yeah, but I’m actually into it," Tom explained, "and there’s tons to do – "

"Great, and there always will be," she says with a wink. "You know you won’t do anybody any good if you fry."

Like two nations caught in a territory dispute, human boundaries are invisible – and often violated. Boundaries are limits that are always present, spoken or unspoken, honored or overstepped. A so-called "healthy" boundary reflects balance between distance and intimacy, between time spent working and at leisure, between your interests and mine.

Do you remember a time before there was traffic? (Me neither, but I read about it.) A time when our cities were uncrowded, when the next town was a major journey, and the moon was … inconceivable? Now with fax technology and the Internet, the population explosion and jet travel … we are literally one big, gnarly community.

Why then, you may ask, don’t we act like one? Probably because we’re literally in each other’s face, and it takes conscious effort to work out the healthy boundary thing. Also, the rules aren’t as clear as in nature, where animals set boundaries by marking out their unique territory. In the workplace … well, it’s not quite so obvious.

With healthy interpersonal and personal/professional boundaries you can…

• Do your best work, contribute sustainably, ensuring adequate reward for your efforts. A healthy personal/professional boundary is the subtle key to maintaining life balance: manage your commitments at work, do not "over-perform" or say "yes" to unreasonable requests. Get clear on your limits and strengths and powerfully express them both.

• Get results with literally anyone – even people you don’t happen to like, or with whom you seem to disagree.
  
• Work well with those who have lousy boundaries. For instance, take a coworker (please!) who has been staying late several evenings each week, and then snaps at you because you aren’t. Or the "human can-opener," prying into your personal affairs, or trying to "fix" you when you just wanted to vent. Then there’s the "time bandit" who doesn’t mind stealing your day, "No, really, just 5 minutes" at a time.

At first you can probably just ignore them, give a subtle non-verbal hint like glancing at your watch and raising an eyebrow. If that doesn’t work, speak up and politely assert your healthy boundary. Otherwise, you’ll be "taken prisoner," and the victim-victimizer chain will spread.

It’s important to speak up about garden-variety interpersonal boundaries – when someone steps on toes, breaks a policy, or blows an agreement. It’s even more important to address the more subtle and invisible boundaries that would slide by unnoticed if you didn’t speak up.

Being direct powerfully demands respect.

How can learning and practicing the skills described in this article help? See if any of these scenarios sound familiar:

• Job Description from Hell. If other people continuously expect more than you can ever deliver, then there’s some work you need to do: begin to reset expectations based on reality.

• High Ambition, Low Satisfaction. Do you often have a hard time leaving the office when you say you will? And yet, you want to have it all? If you constantly work, work, work, and tell yourself you’re on the fast-track … indeed, you may be on the "fast-track" … to burning yourself out. Hint: push back a little. It’s darn near impossible to build a solid career and reputation for excellence when you can barely breathe.

• Speak Up for Balance. If you want to balance your work and your leisure, you generally know your limits and try to stand up for them, but alas, you keep getting squeezed out, this article series will give you some new tools to get your limits honored and your interests met.

Setting healthy boundaries – simply stating your truth, from your experience, without fear of retaliation or of hurting the other person’s feelings – is not supposed to be hard. If this topic brings up some concerns or makes you a bit nervous, good! That’s the edge that will have you asserting what you know and want.

Ideally, workplace boundary setting takes place in a context of an open discussion about responsibilities, goals and priorities; there’s mutual understanding about what needs to be done, and the timeframes are carefully negotiated. (And then, of course, "change happens," but what counts is having a workable agreement on the front end).

However, even if such contracting didn’t happen up front, it probably isn’t too late to go for better agreements. How you express your limits, your strengths and your abilities is key to setting a boundary that gets respected.

How’s your skill at honoring other people’s boundaries? Do you remember to "ask permission" before invading their personal space? For example, when initiating a conversation, do you ask "Is this a good moment?" or "Do you have about 10 minutes to go over your comments or should I come back after lunch?" or "Are you open to discussing this project right now?"

This is not about being polite or formal. It’s just what works! No matter what their response, this says you are aware that you are interrupting, you want their full attention, and are willing to hear their truth.

Healthy boundaries are essential to getting things done and building relationships that last. Indeed, the practice of skillfully setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is as close to a "magic ticket" as anything I know.

With healthy limits, you safely go about doing your best work; without them, either you or the company will eventually take a hit.

Setting healthy boundaries at work can be your saving grace; it can also be a daily testimonial to your courage and skill. Whether you’re the boss who has not enough staff and way too much to do, or you’re a member of that staff, establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries is an invisible and challenging artform – and a vital skillset for your sustained success.

Here are three core skill areas to help get you there:

By now, most of us set goals (a prioritized list of what you want), but do you know your limits? One client said, "I know them when I go beyond them. If I am unaware of what I cannot do, I’m likely to drown in that which I cannot see." Knowing your limits is a source of inner strength and helps you focus your energies on what you can do.

To protect yourself from going "overboard," be organized and on top of your commitments, including knowing yourself and your strengths to give accurate estimates of timeframes (I generally take my best guess then double it).

If you regularly put your priorities in writing, it will help you handle unplanned requests or the inevitable reprioritization in a professional, matter-of-fact way. What would written weekly and daily priorities look like for you?

Sell your abilities by demonstrating what you can get done without selling yourself short by taking on too much. Put out there 100% of what you want and what you are willing to do to get it. When you talk about your limitations, focus on your positive intention, ask for help in doing your best work, and problem solve, don’t complain about the problem.

Pay attention to how the other person is receiving your communication. Be open to feedback; better still, ask for feedback.

Listen and verify your understanding of the other person’s needs, interests and concerns. This is a time for using your best communication and win-win negotiation skills. Tune in to their concerns or limits, and look for simple ways to "work it out."

Section III’s focus is on healthy boundaries in adversarial or conflict situations, like dealing with people when they get stressed out or when the stakes are particularly high.

Hank says to me "It’ll never work," just two days after his team’s proposal was approved. Shirley says the reason the project is doomed is that nobody ever talks to her. I innocently ask "What can you do about that?" and she snaps "I don’t have time for this!" and walks out of the room.

Whoa! How do you deal with people who are stressed out, adversarial, resistant and argumentative?

Tell them to take a vacation?

Or those so-called "difficult" people who seem bent on being just plain annoying? I’m not talking about setting garden-variety boundaries like asking a co-worker to give you direct feedback when all you’re getting is covert criticism. Such situations simply require healthy assertion of what you prefer, as described in Part I.

After nearly being taken hostage on the SS Maniac (SS stands for "stress ship"), I’d like to offer the following tips for setting a respectful boundary when other people get "emotionally hijacked," when the stakes are high, or when dealing with a conflict ... once set, such boundaries can save you (and your peers) hours of needless suffering.

"Oh, you’ve got a deadline, so it’s important that we talk right this instant?"

If I can understand and acknowledge something about that person’s agenda or apparent situation (their issue, problem, concern, or frustration, … whatever it is), they will be better prepared for step #2.

I admit that if I’m getting a bit frustrated myself, I’ll risk combining this step with the next. When I remember to pause and notice what they want, both our stress levels drop a bit.

Remember, if it helps you to listen, when dealing with someone who is hijacked, hang in there and affirm to yourself "This is not about me."

Even if I’m the one who is resisting, I’ll move the situation forward if my speaking takes shared responsibility for the dynamic. I might say:

"How can we work this out so that you can get what you want, and I can finish my work and still leave by 6:00?"

By itself, this doesn’t resolve anything, but it does set the tone for constructive, collaborative problem solving. Or, if they seem bent on blame or negativity, I might say "I can see you are upset [about something]… let’s stop here and pick it up again when I’m less distracted …."

Or, "This is awful … you’re out of time and I’m booked. What are you going to do?"

Each is an attempt to acknowledge both their situation and yours, while reasserting who is responsible for theirs (they are!)

If the person or issue still looms (hint not taken), it’s probably going to be necessary to directly assert what you want. Of course, what comes before this are steps fundamental to setting boundaries every day:

1. Know your limits and be clear about what you want,
2. Tactfully and openly communicate those goals and limits when the other person is able to listen, and
3. Be available to discuss or negotiate any differences. (See Part II for details.)

I’m making the assumption that, in this case, however, you are dealing with a personality or situation that defies reason.

There are two approaches: (a) you’ll resist what the other person is suggesting, or (b) you’ll go along with it and set a boundary to improve future interactions.

1. If you wish to say "no" – because your established priorities are more important than what they want – then a healthy, adult boundary might sound like:

"Let me see if I have this straight; you’re supposed to have this done in one hour and you want my help? Sorry, that doesn't work for me."

2. Their need is more important to you:

"Okay, I’ll help out this time, and when we’re done, let’s talk about how you can make sure this never happens again.…"

Sometimes you might need to assert what you want several times in a row. Their ability to listen at such times will be minimal, so stay steady and repeat the exact same message until it gets received. If someone seems intent on picking a fight or debating a fact that you see differently, you can simply decline to participate:

"I’m not available for this conversation," "I’m not willing to argue about this," or smile and say in an even voice tone,

"This conversation just ended."

If you repeatedly state "I’m not willing to fight with you about that," you also send an implied secondary message ("So, what else would you like to talk about?"), leading in a new direction.

Another option to dealing with maniacs is use humor to interrupt the pattern and creatively diffuse tension: "This is not a good time to discuss what you want … you don’t want me to call the Dilbert Police, do you?"

SUMMARY AND ACTION PLAN

• Do you now have a comprehensive set of written near-term & long-term goals?
• Do you know how much you can handle?  
• Do your weeks get crammed full of more than you can possibly do … and are you clear on your limits, or do you get systematically frustrated with how much there is always left to do? 

• How can you convey to others what's "in" and what's not on your priorities list right now?
• How could you make these goals and limits easily understood by others?
• Who needs to understand?  About what, specifically? When, ideally?

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• What would help you be more successful at negotiating healthier boundaries and agreements?

Daniel Robin & Associates is an internationally-recognized management consulting and training firm, specializing in the human elements of quality. Contact us via E-MAIL or phone (831) 761-0700 (toll free in the US, 1-800-96-AGREE [800-962-4733]), or fax to (831) 761-3810.