Category Archives: Blog Posts

Collaboration at Work

What’s An Elephant Between Coworkers?

By Daniel Robin

Have you ever noticed how your perceptions and those of others often don’t match?

It is said that we all hold “a piece of the elephant” (and the elephant likes it). This is why collaboration is necessary and usually advantageous at work: to gain access to unfamiliar territory and the new resources that live in other people. Indeed, to get things done, learn, and improve, your colleagues – yes, even your boss – could actually come in handy from time to time.

Collaboration is more than just working together cooperatively (“teamwork”), more than going along (accommodating) or getting along … it is that remarkable and unpredictable chaos, complexity and creative stuff that makes life interesting. Admittedly, sometimes too interesting..

Look Within, or Look Out!

Reflect for a moment on your own workplace . when was the last time you had a conversation that didn’t go well? Do you normally come back to those less-than-delightful moments to gain a sense of resolution? How, usually? Do you resolve it inside your own head or do you get in their face? Where there’s been some interpersonal friction, most of us tend toward one extreme or the other to cover up the fact that we feel either threatened or embarrassed.

Even if you attempt resolution inside your own head (“Oh, he’s just a jerk!”), or through a third party (“Can you believe what a jerk he is?!”), or with the person directly (“I’m sorry, but I don’t feel complete about X; perhaps there’s been a misunderstanding…”), you aren’t necessarily collaborating.

So, what is collaboration, and when does it make sense to collaborate? There are at least four situations where a collaborative approach is essential:

When you need to increase cooperation – collaboration helps deal with differences before they lead to resistance or begin to prevent understanding.

Skills: handling resistance, empathic listening and verifying understanding.

When you want stewardship (not micro-delegation or micro-management) – whether kicking off an important project or change initiative, stewards “go slow to go fast” with the right input from all the right players up front. [ “Stewardship” just means fully delegating so they truly own and commit to carrying out the action, and getting the desired results. ]

Skills: asking goal-oriented questions, forming clear & complete agreements, rapport.

When you need a more complete perspective – collaboration allows for useful reflection and feedback, so rather than hallucinating (filling in blind spots from your own perceptions), you can push back on limited assumptions and gain new awareness.

Skills: distinguishing observation from interpretation, giving feedback and recognition, rapport.

When there has been a breakdown or problem with another person – collaboration provides the most tactful way of building accountability, trust and safety, while bringing about lasting change.

Skills: Dealing with negativity and blame, establishing accountability, and using the “gentle art of confrontation.”

Work with me here

[Can you think of any more “collaborate or else” situations? If so, send us E-mail at daniel@abetterworkplace.com. These four instances have withstood the test of reader scrutiny since Feb., 1999.]

For each of these scenarios, there would typically be a consequence to not collaborating. For example, when there’s a breakdown and the pathway starts getting cluttered by the debris of stormy interpersonal weather, take time out to clear it. A cooling off period is wise, but don’t postpone collaboration indefinitely or what was once merely cool will soon turn frozen and immovable as a “hardening of the attitudes” sets in. Then you’ll need that elephant or other power tools to drag away the heavy interpersonal roadblocks.

And if you still have strong feelings, it may be helpful to work it out human to human rather than through electronic (or animal) means. Email and voicemail have their place, but it is too easy to misunderstand intent without a “live,” interactive conversation. It is nearly impossible for others to accurately “read” your voicetone and body language in email or voicemail.

Keeping “current” in relationship – no accumulation of serious withholds or violations of trust – and skillful communication happen to be a key to effective, high-quality collaboration and teamwork.

With all these liabilities, why collaborate in the first place? See the next article.

Recognizing Talent – key traits for hiring and promoting

“It’s not about whether candidates have the right skills, it’s [more] about whether they have the potential to learn new ones.” – Claudio Fernández-Aráoz

To recruit, promote and keep talent, it turns out that adaptability, capacity to learn, and constructive use of imagination are more important than knowledge. Einstein was right. But the master skill of “learning how to learn” can be the ultimate win-win for both workers (whether employees or contractors) and companies.

We use a classic 2014 HBR article as a guidepost for successful team member recruitment: hbr.org/2014/06/21st-century-talent-spotting. The following traits, capabilities or aptitudes are more important than any particular domain expertise or skill. These are the true indicators of talent, and the characteristics we look for in recruiting and recognizing our team members:

Curiosity – a penchant for seeking out new experiences, knowledge, and candid feedback [from and for others], as well as an openness to learning and change.
Insight – the ability to gather and make sense of information that suggests new possibilities.
Engagement – a knack for using emotion and logic to communicate a persuasive vision and connect with people
Determination – the wherewithal to fight for difficult goals despite challenges and to bounce back from adversity.

Can these four traits be honed and developed or are they more innate? One key is knowing your learning style and ability to learn and apply learning in the heat of the moment, in cooperation with others (interpersonally as well as between groups or companies) and over time. In that sense, these four traits become core competencies and skills unto themselves, a useful indicator of future success.

The point is that experience can be overrated. Increasingly, the past just does not equal the future. Agility is more important than history. Certainly the interpersonal behaviors that are the so-called “soft” skills, such as the ones that enable us to flex and flow with what is happening in the moment, and serve as cooperative “team player” are required nowadays. The ability to move harmoniously with others, however, is just not enough. Key is to remain focused on True North and not get hooked or distracted when encountering obstacles, setbacks, unskillful actions by others, seeming conflict, adversity or if the world just seems to be “falling down around us”.

At times like these, and in efforts to collaborate well with others who just can’t seem to take responsibility for the whole, there can be even more learning, born of fresh insights gained from apparent differences, non-constructive attitudes, resistance or roadblocks. We humans are not immune to a certain type of myopia, born of experience, where the past experience is precluding the imagination needed to come up with an innovative solution. Why? Because it is easier to learn than to unlearn.

To envision something new, step one is to put aside the picture of what’s already known. But if someone else brings you a new idea that is radically different than what had been planned, what do you do? Listen for awhile then offer a “Yes, but [that’s not what we’re doing here]” push-back as a form of resistance to being thrown off track? Flowing at times also means self-correcting to regain focus at the right moments, or tying in seemingly disparate elements, or handling concerns and objectives without trying to ruin the idea itself. Otherwise, if you only go with the flow, you could end up drifting into a “pleasant distraction” that just wastes precious time. Allowing time for tangents is healthy, but how much is enough?

And how do you know the difference between imaginative, divergent thinking, headed toward value, and just getting off track? Most organizations have either a vision and mission plus a well- established set of core, governing values, or specific goals, critical success factors or strategic imperatives that can be referenced as True North. These serve as a tie-breaker when each party is being heard. The sense that others are listening to our ideas, even if they’re not yet convinced of the merit or utility of those ideas, keeps the perceived level of conflict low enough that cooperation is still possible.

If that’s not the case for you or your workplace, take time out to establish such guideposts and you’ll avoid having to figure out later why too many of the so-called “good ideas” end up becoming tangential time-wasters. Are you talking with or at one another?

Everybody has off days, so this isn’t about being perfect. If you react with resistance or get hooked by an idea that does not seem to have merit, do not lose momentum by letting that ruin the future value that such a moment contains. Get unhooked, get back on the horse, and keep riding toward True North. Blessed are the resilient as they shall inherit the earth. Or something like that.

Are these four talent indicators enough?

They’re a good start, but in practice they are very hard to assess. There is not a lot of psychological research to provide easy tests, like the classic 4-year-old’s one cookie now versus two cookies in 10 minutes, so on-the-job experience and performance reviews are where the truth is told. In other words, measure results over time and find out. Cultures vary, as do systems of rewards, with some committed to getting results “at any cost,” while for others the rules of engagement and principles come first, and not getting the desired results is fine if a sincere effort is in evidence.

Sometimes a highly valued trait (appreciation of flow and harmony, for example) can become a liability, as differences get swept under the table, and if left there, eventually become undiscussable. A strength becomes a liability, or at least a lost opportunity, if it gets overused, thus the notion of “playing to someone’s strengths” is only useful in theory. For example, capturing a vision with both emotion and logic but failing to communicate that vision effectively, to make it a shared vision, is the notorious downside of visionary leaders that don’t have their feet on the ground. Visioning may be a strength, prized and rewarded at times, but execution must accompany that strength, through the ability to connect with others, by leveraging the talents of others, as the full expression of the business trait.

Leaders that stop short of gaining widespread acceptance of a company-wide vision will often get frustrated when things go sideways. If they put harmony ahead of results, and do not go the distance to involve those who don’t easily share in the vision, at first, it can backfire, as underground competition, or “skunkworks” can get sparked up that drains resources unproductively.

In practice, there’s much more to successful hiring and development than the above four traits, of course, but you can get pretty far with building a culture that embraces and uses them as part of training and advancement criteria.

In addition, an alignment of mission or purpose and core values, mentioned above, is also essential, because you just can’t mandate caring. You cannot demand passion or perseverance. External rewards won’t do it. Motivation has to come primarily from within, based on a sense of contribution, shared priorities, or common principles. You or others might employ good parts of both emotion and logic to communicate a persuasive vision, but people will “walk into” that vision and make it shared (or not) in their own way, on their own authority. If they don’t support it, at best you can ask them to do some work to find a way to make it supportable.

Why? Not every vision reflects an alignment of values with the individual’s own sense of prioritie.s Values are not something you chose. They’re endemic. They pick you. Principles like honesty and integrity, or a vision of the future (say, climate change mitigation) makes some topics or industries almost sacred while others are completely uninteresting or even offensive. That’s the power of values. They must be aligned to an adequate extent, especially among senior managers, or there will be a falling out, eventually.

Other competencies include leadership, self-management, business skills like strategic orientation, awareness of how markets work, collaboration skills (see #3, above), developing others, communication of course, and change management, which is effectively the purpose of 1-4, the capacity to transform and align around a new goal or strategic directions.

How to manage complexities that seem insurmountable

It might not be possible to interview talent with a knack for finding the simple path through the often-convoluted landlines of most business dealings. But those that can simplify, aggregate, look for patterns, discover the keys, the core, the maker/breakers often also possess the business skills that can be beneficially applied as a leader of their own work or in leading others. These four traits underpin the personalities that have the best odds of success. Interview questions we often use to discover such talent, also key points for effective collaborators:

How do you react when someone challenges you?

How do you invite input from others on your team?

What do you do to broaden your thinking, experience, or personal development?

How do you foster learning in your own day, your team, your organization?

What steps do you take to seek out to explore the unknown, to discover something novel?

We ask for examples and specific situations that capture the essence of inspiration, motivation, insight, engagement, and determination. Your conversations with managers, colleagues, and direct reports who know the person well should be just as detailed.

Imagine a Future Worth Having

“Without vision, the people will perish.”
– Book of Proverbs

“Problem solving becomes the busywork of organizations in which people have forgotten their purpose and vision.”
– Peter Senge, author of The Fifth Discipline

What is vision?

room-for-comments Vision describes and makes explicit a desired future. Vision is a tool to help foster an environment of shared meaning where the future scenario is revealed and defined so that everyone can take an active part in leading toward it. Effective vision highlights the creative tension between current reality and what is possible and preferable as the coming years.

Unlike a mission statement, vision is more about “what” – what’s possible and would be worth manifesting? Mission statements tend to address the “why” aspect – “Why are we in business? Why do we exist?” Organizations and individuals often implement both mission and vision, then ask “What do we want?” (goals), “How will get there?” (strategy) and “What factors are critical to our success?” (critical success factors, guiding values and principles, key metrics or measures, indicators or strategic imperatives).

Who participates? What is shared vision?

vision in context Executive management benefits from inviting collaboration in order to define “shared vision” on behalf of the entire Company. Depending on the size of the Company and current situation, the company’s founder(s) or executive leadership may also proscribe a vision for the other stakeholders.

But when a company’s culture is built on the sense that “we’re all in this together” and diversity and individuals truly matter, better results come from including and involving key stakeholders in the vision-making process. This ensures a more robust, truly shared vision as well as a sincere commitment to using it.

Risks and Benefits

Unlike a goal, vision is not necessarily bound by time. At first, this may lead to “anything goes” thinking, in absurd contrast with present reality. The risk is that a vision may seem impractically far reaching, even grandiose.

Ideally, a vision is reasonably long term, compelling to some degree (perhaps even exciting), and the team feels capable of manifesting it. When vision seems achievable, even though it may represent a “healthy stretch” toward a desired future state, it helps uplift and inform closer-at-hand goals while inspiring and aligning teamwork.

Vision-making work can serve the leaders and other stakeholders of the company in carrying out their leadership role, unifying your efforts and building common ground and loyalty among employees.

The results of all vision-making activities would be captured in one or more vision statements and used to guide decision making as well as assist with new employee orientation, recruitment, and possibly aspects of public relations. Similar to goals, vision helps guide local actions and choices.

Vision statements can be either internal or external or both. Most often they are created for the company’s management and staff to gain shared meaning. A separate or related statement can be prepared for the general public, suppliers, customers, etc.

Unintentionally, effective vision often reveals training gaps or other areas that are more intimidating than motivating. In this sense, vision-making work can clarify long-standing issues, suggest needed changes, or serve as a catalyst for gaining new capabilities or setting new, developmental goals.

How can Daniel Robin & Associates help?

Team_Innovation We have led countless visioning sessions with businesses, not-for-profit organizations, government agencies and educational institutions. We initially consult with the principals, assist with preparation, then facilitate one or more group sessions aimed at developing a clear and compelling vision with the designated stakeholders. Senior staff would employ a combination of group facilitation, discussion, and brief presentation (to introduce tools and techniques) in support of this vision-making effort.

Roughly 98% of the talking and 100% of the vision’s content would come from the participants. A facilitator would capture the differences and similarities, help with any stuck points, and guide the group toward crafting, validating and owning a clear and compelling vision statement.

Style of Facilitation

The group facilitation would provide an interactive forum to explore ideas, gain from other people’s perspective, and build toward consensus. To the extent possible, facilitation will directly reflect practical, real work situations, acknowledging current conditions while eliciting ideas for desired future scenarios.

We use a lighthearted, crisp and respectful style to help stakeholders imagine and convey their hopes and aspirations for the future, with a slight bias toward practicality, ensuring that the resulting vision is immediately applicable. The facilitator’s style and demeanor helps all participants feel safe enough to take risks with open and honest communication, putting aside concerns about conformism or idealism, and supporting a positive, creative, and optimistic view of the future.

Getting Started

There is no “one size fits all” approach to developing shared vision, but certainly there are success principles and best practices. The number of participants, preparation steps, time you spend together, process steps, resulting vision statement (or other key outcomes), as well as how it all translates back to daily operations is entirely up to you. These choices depend on the real goal or purpose.

An effective way to begin a vision process is to conduct individual interviews with a set of stakeholders roughly 2-4 weeks before a planned visioning session. These candid conversations help surface themes and issues that would influence the group’s vision work. Interviews are particularly important when key stakeholders have been unable to effectively communicate long-standing issues in the due course of work. Interviews typically last 15-20 minutes per individual, and a neutral third party could be asked to summarizing and deliver findings to the principals for discussion.

To prepare participants for a visioning session, develop a set of powerful questions that will be used to guide participants. Send out an invitation a week in advance that clarifies intentions and sets groundrules, putting forward the session agenda, questions that will be used, and plans for follow-up. It is important that administrative details get handled well in advance so participants can focus on the important work of constructing the desired future.

Vision, Mission and Values

Management Tools for Building a Better Workplace

By Daniel Robin

Vision and mission-making work can serve you in carrying out your leadership role, unifying your efforts and building alignment and loyalty among employees. However, far more important than having mission and vision statements is having a clear mission and vision! The map is not the territory. This article offers tips for how to gain clarity of mission and vision.

In practice, the actual work of creating vision, mission or values statements in an established organization (not for an individual, or a startup in planning stages, but for an operating company) can take a bit of time and energy. It isn’t something you just write in a vacuum and declare it as complete and ready for everyone to use. Including others in the process, knowing how to ask for input, being open to throwing out drafts and starting over, … will pay dividends in the long-run.

Once established, such statements serve all stakeholders as “True North” for understanding the culture, in decision-making, prioritizing and setting goals. This eliminates wasted effort and saves tremendous time in the long-run.

To do it right, you might have to put aside other work temporarily to free up the necessary resources, and focus those resources to build shared meaning.

The benefits of clear vision and mission statements will be realized if they

speak to the organization’s present condition (including a “healthy stretch” toward a desired future),
are written clearly in plain English, and
are accompanied by grounded action that brings the intentions to life, and makes the work as the statements are put to use.

Making a statement memorable and inspiring is optional, but a helpful intention. If these conditions are being met, then you can go forward with communicating this important information to everyone in the organization and, if appropriate, the outside world. Such written statements can be used to develop a clearer position in the marketplace, for strategic planning, and to quickly qualify job candidates and orient new-hires. If the statements are implemented as a tool for dialogue and feedback, the content need not be presented as the definitive “final word” but rather a (perpetual) working draft.

Often a source of confusion, in case you’re curious about the differences between Vision, Mission and Objectives, they are outlined below:

VISION — What business are we in? What’s possible for the future? What do we want to become?

Vision defines a desired future and helps guide all who accept and understand it. Shared vision is the 3rd discipline in Peter Senge’s classic, The Fifth Discipline, and can be a tool for building a sense of commitment by “developing shared images of the future we seek to create.”

Another excellent book and resource to visioning and mission-making is the latest book by Stephen Covey, The 8th Habit: From Effectiveness to Greatness.

This brings up an important question: whose vision is it? A CEO’s personal vision can automatically become “shared vision” in a workplace — temporarily, due to positional power — but for it to have lasting power, that vision must be made explicit (written down), with skillful discussion among the organization’s key players.

In other words, the CEO’s ideas are key to unlocking the organization’s potential; however, by involving more stakeholders, that potential will be deepened, and carried out based on personal commitment. Without a clear vision in writing, stakeholders operate more on assumption than on fact, and buy-in will be limited.

Unlike goals, but similar to a mission, vision has no deadline — no “by when.” It can be as precise as the response to the question “Where are we heading this year?” or as lofty as “If we could develop exactly the kind of company we wanted, what would it be like?”

See more about visioning and how Daniel Robin & Associates can help.

MISSION — Why does this matter? Working with Purpose and Meaning

An organization’s mission or purpose is the answer to the question “why?” Different questions will illicit different facets or flavors of mission. For example

Why are we doing this? Brings out purpose, motives, and intention.

What’s vitally important about our work? Begins to identify the values and interests that drive the organization.

With what aspects of this work do I most identify? Is there a cause or purpose — the bigger picture — beyond the work itself?

In a way, a “mission” is the motivational aspect of vision: it defines and clarifies “why does the vision matter?” and implies a set of governing values or principles. Some organizations prefer to define their “core values” explicitly, and lately we’ve seen clients focus on a Code of Ethics to make operational … either way, mission and values both define what is important to the individual, department or enterprise.

Much of what motivates and inspires people to make meaning and take action is contained in this “why” aspect. A mission statement is usually meant to define internal motivation — it’s meant to align and engage the agents or actors in the organization — rather than helping define an orientation to outside customers. The customer-centered or marketplace equivalent to a mission statement is usually contained in materials designed to promote the brand’s purpose or corporate image as part of a reason for doing business, for public relations purposes or to attract employees or investors. That’s an external message (still often called “mission” by the PR dept.) defined in terms of the target market or the competition. This type of statement will not be useful for aligning workplace structures, systems, processes and cultures. It is more like an advertisement, and can be effective when it represents an operational reality, communicates honest values, and helps the audience make meaning.

A mission or purpose statement defines why it all matters to employees, contractors, partners, and management — the internal “customers.”

As a mission reflects human motivation, hopefully it helps people feel good, maybe even to feel inspired, about it. It must be kept current and alive; check to see if your mission, once defined and in writing, still holds true 6 – 12 months later. Missions will change as priorities and business conditions change, after mergers or acquisitions, or other significant transitions.

Questions to ask that will get at mission and purpose:

Why are we doing this?
Why does this work [our work] matter?
What’s most important about this work?
What will it do for us to fulfill our vision or strategic priorities? Why do our goals matter?
What is our unique role? How do we “make a difference”? For whom? How will we benefit? Who else benefits?

VALUES, Principles & Beliefs

Everyone and every organization has values. The question is (a) are they clear (known to you and to other key stakeholders), and if so, (b) are you living according to them? Celebrate where your values and your actions are in alignment and look for areas where you value one thing but regularly do another. What are biggest gaps? What could you do to begin to close those gaps?

Often people end up in roles that do not reflect their values, or working for a company or boss that conflicts with their values. First comes clarifying why there’s a mismatch, then rational and appropriate action can be taken to improve the situation. Values are so intrinsic, ingrained and invisible (until they are surfaced) that we experience all the downstream effects without knowing the true cause. This tension and confusion can make intelligent actions, let alone informed decisions, nearly impossible.

Our coaching clients use a handy tool that helps make surfacing and using one’s values easier and more rewarding. The big question you can ask yourself about your values: “Which of these values am I living today and where are the biggest gaps?” Contact us for more information on how to clarify personal/professional values and roles.

As mentioned previously, it is often useful to define governing, core values, principles, or beliefs for the organization. What’s the difference?

Core Values underpin the organization’s purpose and mission. Values might be reflected in words like teamwork, contribution, excitement, communication, quality …. Once a list feels complete, go back and write a sentence that defines what each value means to you or to the organization.

Principles such as being “in service” to each other like internal customers (value: respect), win-win (value: success), or shared power (value: inclusion) … have been central to successful corporate cultures. Principles are more operational, more dynamic, and are more how the world works, rather than how the world is, or how you wish it to be. Again, once listed, be sure to define what they mean to you or to the organization.

Beliefs are things that your or the organization pre-supposes, assumptions about what is true. This is often linked in with a corporate philosophy, vision of the future or ideology. They usually begin with “We believe …” and capture some ethical or moral principle, inseparable from culture and values.

Where to Start … Possible Next Steps

The first step is to get a rough idea of where you are now, and then begin to develop the vision of where you want to go. An effort to clarify your mission may also be necessary, and is optional if you don’t need it for the outside world and if employees are clearly motivated, focused on priorities, and conflicts are minimal. This depends on your culture and the size of your organization. A common mistake is to establish goals and objectives without first defining the “container” — the vision, mission, and values that underpin that mission must be evident.

Goals and objectives are essential (“If you don’t know where you are going, you could wind up anywhere!”), but vision, values, role definitions, and systems of tracking results all serve as the “container” for effective growth and development, and must be first put in place.

ROLES & GOALS

Many organizations do not have clearly defined roles for key employees. Those roles must be mutually understood “agreements” between management and the employees. Some employees may play multiple roles (for example, project leader and administrative assistant). It is often helpful to define sets of goals in terms of each role that an employee plays.

Roles that are key to carrying out the vision and mission. Who does what? What are the key responsibility areas?

MONITORING SUCCESS

Companies with complex operations may want to use Key Performance Indicators (KPI) or systems like Balanced Scorecard to continuously track and monitor results, systematically comparing what was planned through goal-setting to the unfolding reality of actual results. This is key to accelerated learning.

A handy shortcut for smaller business owners is to think in terms of measuring one’s success. What are (at least) three ways you’ll measure your success? This applies to the founder and can also be used to build a “success culture.” Multiple “how you will know” measures assures at least some attention to the quality of life, not just the money aspect. What good is all the money if you are miserable? And the opposite is also true: “Business without finance is a nuisance.”

Mission making or remaking can provide a useful inclusion process that brings forward what is essential, increases focus on desired results, or addresses a motivation, morale (emotional engagement) or turnover problem. Contact us to discuss your situation.

New Rules for Communication @ Work

By Daniel Robin

This article describes a set of new rules for effective workplace communication in an ever-changing economy. It assumes that you are part of a high-performing organization that values innovation, participation (collaborative vs. command-and-control styles of leadership), mutual accountability and, to some extent, sustainability. Doesn’t sound like your workplace? Perhaps that’s part of your interest in this topic, for your own leadership or to influence the leaders.

Either way, awareness of these rules and corresponding tools to implement them will help make you more indispensable and increase your enjoyment at work.

Why do we need new rules anyway? Much has changed in recent years, spelling out new expectations. With all the turmoil and dislocation lately, there’s probably no such thing as “business as usual” anymore. New ethical and interpersonal standards are needed.

Here are the dynamic dozen:

Get off my cloud! Boundaries are real
Give up the need to control others
Outrageous mutuality
Stop talking [and other activities] into the wind
Be real to get real
Be like them
Be transparent, not defensive
No Whining, No Blaming
Use a light touch
Give to Get
Be Your Word and honor commitments
Respect time

The purpose is to get more of what you want, and have that hold up over time. To have quality of life at work without getting fired. To head off interpersonal friction before it becomes a problem. To deliver more value with less effort, and enjoy commensurate rewards.

In societal terms, perhaps the result of decades of living “unsustainably,” buying into myths and illusions that we are perfectly in control of our future (hint: nature does have a say), or perhaps due to “sensibility impairment” by those in charge about the path to a sustainable society, our compass must be recalibrated to again point to True North (hint: don’t buy real estate in low-lying coastal zones for awhile — at least not without flood insurance).

Stock markets and climate events (and thus investors and residents) seem more vulnerable to sudden, unpredictable changes than ever in history. In the current political climate, “true stories” has become an oxymoron. What do you believe? I believe we’ll have to wait for this storm to pass.

This moronic complexity seems emblematic of the need for a better understanding of what governs both built and natural environments. Most of us cannot do much about the computers that are the probable cause of runaway stock exchanges, but we can take responsibility for our own interpersonal exchanges. Let’s take stock of these proposed new rules, one at a time. The goal is to instill both resilience in the face of change and prevention (heading off bigger problems or seizing opportunities) at the right time. A variation on changing what we can and accepting what we cannot.

Some of these rules may be familiar (classics in the making), some more exotic. They are all useful in certain contexts, and with practice you will be better prepared for whatever comes at you next. And what is that, you ask? What comes next? Since none of us knows, exactly, what better response is there than to gather new tools and make them available for when you need them most. Study and practice in this regard will open up new options, new avenues, greater flexibility and focus in your response to any situation. As the saying goes, “choice is better than no choice. ”

For reference, we define collaborative leadership as the capacity and skill of working together to shape our collective future, and to sustain the process of change required to do so. Sustainability is “the possibility that humans and other life will flourish on Earth forever,” says John Ehrenfeld, a pioneer in the field of industrial ecology.

Many of the old rules for doing business have turned to dust, such as “shareholders come first.” Do they really? What would BP say to that? What if there are no longer any shareholders because the value of those shares suddenly vaporized? The old rules – and conventionality itself, it seems –no longer applies.

With a toxic vinaigrette now floating around the Gulf of Mexico, looking for a parking place, some new rules seem in order. I’m not suggesting the lack of these rules caused this unpecedented disaster, but I am saying that screwed-up communication may have been part of it. “I thought you said it was fail-safe!” “No, I said we’d be safe if it failed.”

We cannot do much about exploding oil platforms or computers that are the probable cause of runaway stock exchanges, but we can take responsibility for our own exchanges. Let’s take stock of these dozen new rules as a platform for getting more of what we all want:

1. Get off my cloud! Boundaries are real, even if you can’t see or touch them. Our expectations about adequate “personal space” – our tolerance of inquiries about your life outside of work, for example – vary greatly from one person to another. For you, it may be fine to share what you did over the weekend, but for another, absolutely none of your business. How you treat others can be interpreted as a sign of keen interest and empathy or as an invasion of personal privacy. Either way, pay careful attention. This and other boundaries deserve your respect. For example, a cooperative work relationship can quickly turn sour if you unwittingly step over a boundary and refuse to apologize at the perceived offense. So what if you needed a pen and raided a colleague’s desk without their permission … for that colleague, their desk is a sacred “safe space” away from a turbulent home life, not an office supply store. When knew?!

2. Give up the need to control others. As far as illusions go, control is one of the best, but it is also overrated. We all want to be “in control” of ourselves, our lives, and the things that happen along the way. Good luck with that. Gone are the days of having a tidy plan for, well, almost anything that involves other people, and a lock-step linear path to those end results. Okay, those days never existed. So what do you do with your fierce need to control?

a) Instead of buying into illusions (a form of magical thinking, but if that works for you …), you can practice moving with what’s happening in the moment, especially at first. Note that may be sharply divergent from what you think you wanted, or what you initially intended. This “moving with” keeps you tuned up for change. Listen to points of view that you think are just plain off, misguided, wrong-headed, … and see if you can accept even if you cannot agree. This practice will radically increase your adaptability, flexibility, agility. “Blessed are the flexible for they shall not get bent out of shape.”

b) How do you achive this ideal? One way is to Go slow to go faster. If you take time to meet someone where they are, rather than expecting them to come to you, you’ll get a better result.

3. Outrageous mutuality: Take responsibility for maintaining two-way dialogue. No victims here. Skillful listening is certainly useful, to a point. There are clearly limits, and you own setting them for yourself. If the other person talks and talks … continues talking right over you, even when you want to respond, it is on you to interrupt with something like “I hold myself accountable to actually hearing what’s important. I got lost back there.” Or simply “May I respond?”

Consumer protection warning: If someone begins to bore you with an elaborate story about which you care nada, interrupt early, explaining that you are “not available” for that. Do it before you start to feel resentful. Do it with a light heart and a feather. If all else fails, change the subject.

4. Stop talking [and other activities] into the wind. “Is anybody out there?” Talk less, listen more. Ask questions and dig for answers you can use. Be curious and interested in what other people think and know. If negotiating, FIND OUT what they want first, if possible. Leverage that toward all-win agreements if you want them to last.

5. Be real to get real. When in conversation, don’t just be “nice” to please the other party, be real. Being real includes taking turns to get and give information, but it also includes being up front about goals and intentions. What do you really want? What about the other party? Do you have a common basis for being in conversation let alone for making a lasting agreement? No interest in their story? Say so up front. The secret is how. {Maybe “no secrets” should be #5a?}

6. Be like them. Be yourself, of course, but you can also stretch over, at times, to be more like them. If you are truly yourself, you get an “A” for authenticity, but without this attention to the other person, you might also get a “D” for defended and dysfunctional from your conversation partner. How many times have you heard someone say “Interrupt if this gets boring”? or “I know I talk too much, but …” What do you do when you hear something that offends you? How do you handle interpersonal friction in the moment? If your attention is truly on them, and you know that this is a conversation, where you take turns, you can let the other person be fully understood before asking for the same courtesy. It is the psychology of negotiation – people listen better once they’ve been listened to. If you are having a hard time understanding where they are coming from, you’re not paying attention or asking enough questions. Get off your own map and get on theirs. Ask, “Are we in New Jersey?” and make sure you are indeed approximating mutual understanding.

7. Be transparent, not defensive: “I am not defensive!” Right. Admit mistakes, or at least the possibility of a mistake. Acknowledge that there are some things you do not know; seek input and counsel from others. It’s hip to not have all the answers. Customers and employees want to see “behind the curtain.” They want to understand your thought process, the policies, plans, and products you rejected as well as those you proudly launch. Some companies carry this to an extreme and regularly publish sustainability reports, detailing their accomplishments but also their gaps. Cleverly enough, sustainability reporting and the process of organizing the teamwork, processes, metrics and data (content of the report), is part of our offer of services.

Sidebar: For many companies, large and small, Sustainability Reports (and the periodic reporting process) became the framework for action – the “what to do” on the path to sustainability. In that sense, reports become a strategic management tool. The performance aspects come into play when management realizes that they can significantly impact results by observing key indicators and using them to dynamically shift practices such as inventory levels, energy and other resource use cycles, labor and turnover costs, etc.

8. No Whining, No Blaming. Blame went out of style in the 1980’s … and whose fault is that?! If you are transparent and responsible for the results you get, there is no blame, there is no failure, there is only feedback and learning. Definitely no need to whine. Instead, design. Rather than blame, aim toward goals. Sniveling and complaining is definitely out. Got an issue, here’s a tissue.

9. Use a light touch. You can usually deliver heavy news without being heavy handed. Someone breaks a rule, you break a fingernail, nothing more. If you can avoid threatening more severe bodily harm, and try not to run over people, that usually helps, too. Apparently, it is now somewhat culturally acceptable, at least in the West, to mix business with pleasure. Maybe it has always been, and I’m just late the party. In any case, lighthearted videos, fun quizzes, and offbeat content is rapidly moving from acceptable to essential. Not in every situation, of course, but most of the time, humor will help get your message across and make it longer lasting, more vital and viral.

10. Give to Get. Hardball negotiating tactics go over like a lead balloon. “My way or the highway!” ultimatums usually don’t get you anything but more resistance. Take a hint from bloggers and Web 2.0 culture, which is based on generosity, where people believe that no good deed goes unrewarded. It’s a new mindset for certain organizations, but an indispensable one. Even if you and your firm must be seen as hardliners, holding strong to principles and boundaries, no need to show up as hard on people. Be hard on the issues and generous and you’ll win more often and have those agreements work out in the long run.

11. Be Your Word and honor commitments. This one is age-old, timeless and not to be underestimated. The currency of most relationships is based on whether your “word is your bond.” In other words, be trustworthy – that is, worthy of trust. Follow through on your personal and professional commitments to your colleagues. If your reputation at work is ever on the line, your co-workers will be more likely to reserve judgment and grant you the benefit of doubt…just when you need it the most. What else do you have but your word? What matters more to upholding your reputation?

12. Respect time. Some people you work with are social animals who enjoy the banter and casual conversation that goes on in every office. Others can live without it – they just want results. Notice the rhythm and ease with which co-workers exchange pleasantries with you (or not), and engage them up to but not exceeding their comfort zones. This ties back to #6, be like them. Notice their body language before it becomes a point of irritation or annoyance. Learn to anticipate. When they get antsy or start glancing at their watch, it is probably over the line and no longer a sign of respect. Check in often and trust your intuition.

Do not attend a meeting without a clear up-front agenda. When things start to wrap up, summarize and check to see if there’s anything else to cover … don’t let the meeting just fizzle and run out of steam. Meetings are often over long before most people leave the room. Call a meeting complete and hang out socially if that’s what you want, but don’t drag others into your (or fall prey to others’) squishy boundaries.

Exploring the Inner Frontier, Part 3

What’s a Healthy Boundary Between You and a Maniac? — part 3 of 3

By Daniel Robin

Hank says to me “It’ll never work,” just two days after his team’s proposal was approved. Shirley says the reason the project is doomed is that nobody ever talks to her. I innocently ask “What can you do about that?” and she snaps “I don’t have time for this!” and walks out of the room.

Whoa! How do you deal with people who are stressed out, adversarial, resistant and argumentative? Tell them to take a vacation? Or those so-called “difficult” people who seem bent on being just plain annoying? I’m not talking about setting garden-variety boundaries like asking a co-worker to give you direct feedback when all you’re getting is covert criticism. Such situations simply require healthy assertion of what you prefer, as described in Part 1 of this series.

After nearly being taken hostage on the SS Maniac, I’d like to offer the following tips for setting a respectful boundary when other people get “emotionally hijacked,” when the stakes are high, or when dealing with a conflict … once set, such boundaries can save you (and your peers) hours of needless suffering.

1. Attempt to mirror what’s going on for the other person.

“Oh, you’ve got a deadline, so it’s important that we talk right this instant?” If I can understand and acknowledge something about that person’s agenda or apparent situation (their issue, problem, concern, or frustration, … whatever it is), they will be better prepared for step #2. If you find yourself getting (or already) a bit frustrated with the intruder, you risk combining this step with the next. Don’t. When you remember to pause and notice what they want, both of your stress levels drop a bit. Remember, if it helps you to listen, dissociate slightly by saying to yourself “This is not about me.”

2. Handle resistance or negativity as necessary.

Even if I’m the one who is resisting, I’ll move the situation forward if my speaking takes shared responsibility for the dynamic. I might say: “How can we work this out so that you can get what you want, and I can finish my work and still leave by 6:00?”
By itself, this doesn’t resolve anything, of course, but it does set the tone for constructive, collaborative problem solving. Or, if they seem bent on blame or negativity, I might say “I can see you are upset [about something]… let’s stop here and pick it up again when I’m less distracted ….” Or, “This is awful … you’re out of time and … darn-it … I’m booked. What are you going to do?”
Each is an attempt to acknowledge both their situation and yours, while reasserting who is responsible for theirs (they are, not you!).

3. Directly assert what I want.

If the person or issue still looms (hint not taken), it’s probably going to be necessary to directly assert what you want. Of course, what comes before this step is fundamental to setting boundaries every day: (1) Know your limits and be clear about what you want, (2) Tactfully and openly communicate those goals and limits when the other person is able to listen, and (3) Be available to discuss or negotiate any differences. (These steps are described in Part 2 of this article series.) I’m making the assumption that, in this case, however, you are dealing with a personality or situation that defies reason.

So, if you wish to say “no” – your established priorities are more important than the issue they are presenting to you – then a healthy, adult boundary might sound like: “Let me see if I have this straight; you’re supposed to have this done in one hour and you want my help? Sorry, that doesn’t work for me.” Or, if their need is more important to you: “Okay, I’ll help out this time, and when we’re done, let’s talk about how you can make future requests with more reasonable timeframes, … to make sure this never happens again.…”

Sometimes you might need to assert what you want several times in a row. Their ability to listen at such times will be minimal, so stay steady. If someone seems intent on picking a fight or debating a fact that you see differently, you can simply decline to participate: “I’m not available for this conversation,” “I’m not willing to argue about this,” or smile and say in an even tone, “This conversation just ended.” If you repeatedly state “I’m not willing to fight with you about that,” you also send an implied secondary message: “So, what else would you like to talk about?”

Another option is to use humor — and be careful of your facial expression or other non-verbal cues — to interrupt the pattern and creatively diffuse tension: “This is not a good time to discuss what you want … how about if you buy me a drink after work? Then we can discuss all the facts and even the “alternative facts” to your heart’s content!”

Still looking for help / support / skill-building opportunities with better boundaries? Try our worksheet or contact us for coaching services.

Exploring the Inner Frontier, Part 2

Skills to Set and Maintain Healthy Workplace Boundaries — part 2 of 3

By Daniel Robin

Setting healthy boundaries at work can be your saving grace; it can also be a daily testimonial to your courage and skill. Whether you’re the boss who has not enough staff and way too much to do, or you’re a member of that staff, establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries is an invisible and challenging art form – and a vital skill set for your sustained success.

How can this article series help? See if any of these scenarios sound familiar:

Job Description from Hell. If other people continuously expect more than you can ever deliver, then there’s some work you need to do: begin to reset expectations based on reality.
High Ambition, Low Satisfaction. Do you often have a hard time leaving the office when you say you will? And yet, you want to have it all? If you constantly work, work, work, and tell yourself you’re on the fast-track … indeed, you may be on the “fast-track” … to burning yourself out. Hint: push back a little. It’s darn near impossible to build a solid career and reputation for excellence when you can barely breathe.
Speak Up for Balance. If you want to balance your work and your leisure, you generally know your limits and try to stand up for them, but alas, you keep getting squeezed out, this article series will give you some new tools to get your limits honored and your interests met.

Setting healthy boundaries – simply stating your truth, from your experience, without fear of retaliation or of hurting the other person’s feelings – is not supposed to be hard. If this topic brings up some concerns or makes you a bit nervous, good! That’s the edge that will have you asserting what you know and want.

The Place to Start

Ideally, workplace boundary setting takes place in a context of an open discussion about responsibilities, goals and priorities; there’s mutual understanding about what needs to be done, and the timeframes are carefully negotiated. (And then, of course, “change happens,” but what counts is having a workable agreement on the front end).

However, even if such contracting didn’t happen up front, it probably isn’t too late to go for better agreements. How you express your limits, your strengths and your abilities is key to setting a boundary that gets respected.

Here are three core skill areas to help get you there:

1. Know your limits, know what you want.

By now, most of us set goals (a prioritized list of what you want), but do you know your limits? One client said, “I know them when I go beyond them. If I am unaware of what I cannot do, I’m likely to drown in that which I cannot see.” Knowing your limits is a source of inner strength and helps you focus your energies on what you can do.

To protect yourself from going “overboard,” be organized and on top of your commitments, including knowing yourself and your strengths to give accurate estimates of timeframes (I generally take my best guess then double it). If you regularly put your priorities in writing, it will help you handle unplanned requests or the inevitable reprioritization in a professional, matter-of-fact way. What would written weekly and daily priorities look like for you?

2. Tactfully and openly communicate goals and limits.

Sell your abilities by demonstrating what you can get done without selling yourself short by taking on too much. Put out there 100% of what you want and what you are willing to do to get it. When you talk about your limitations, focus on your positive intention, ask for help in doing your best work, and problem solve, don’t complain about the problem.

Pay attention to how the other person is receiving your communication. Be open to feedback; better still, ask for feedback.

3. Be available to discuss differences and get to agreements.

Listen and verify your understanding of the other person’s needs, interests and concerns. This is a time for using your best communication and win-win negotiation skills. Tune in to their concerns or limits, and look for simple ways to “work it out.”

Next section’s focus is on healthy boundaries in adversarial or conflict situations, like dealing with people when they get stressed out or when the stakes are particularly high. Click here for Part 3, What’s a Healthy Boundary Between You and that Maniac?

For now, how did the boundary you set from Part 1 work out? What’s one new boundary you’ll establish this week?

Exploring the Inner Frontier, Part 1

How to Create and Maintain Healthy Workplace Boundaries — part 1 of 3

By Daniel Robin

“So what happened to you? It’s like you’ve gone M.I.A. … missing for weeks….”
“My job ate my life,” Tom sighed, as the two high-tech workers sipped their half-decaf cappuccinos.
Katie asks politely, “May I offer a suggestion? Push back a little. Your life is more important.”
“Yeah, but I’m actually into it,” Tom explained, “plus, there’s so much to do – ”
“Great, glad you are on a roll, and there always will be tons to do in your work,” she says with a wink. “You know you won’t do anybody any good if you fry.”

Like two nations caught in a territory dispute, human boundaries are invisible – and often violated. Boundaries are limits that are always present, spoken or unspoken, honored or overstepped. A so-called “healthy” boundary reflects balance between distance and intimacy, between time spent working and at leisure, between your interests and mine.

Where Have All the Boundaries Gone?

Do you remember a time before there was traffic? (Me neither, but I read about it.) When our cities were uncrowded, when the next town was a major journey, and the moon was … inconceivable? Now there’s fax technology and the Internet, the population explosion and jet travel … we are literally one big, gnarly community.

Why then, you may ask, don’t we act like one? Probably because we’re literally in each other’s face, and it takes conscious effort to work out the healthy boundary thing. Also, the rules aren’t as clear as in nature, where animals set boundaries by marking out their unique territory. In the workplace … well, it’s not quite so obvious.

With healthy interpersonal and personal/professional boundaries you can…

Do your best work, contribute sustainably, ensuring adequate reward for your efforts. A healthy personal/professional boundary is the subtle key to maintaining life balance: work at your commitments, do not “over-perform” or say “yes” to unreasonable requests. Get clear on your limits and powerfully express them.
Get results with literally anyone – even people you don’t happen to like, or with whom you seem to disagree
Work well with those who have lousy boundaries. For example, take a coworker who has been staying late several evenings each week, and then snaps at you because you aren’t. Or the “human can-opener,” prying into your personal affairs, or trying to “fix” you when you just wanted to talk about a problem (vent). Then there’s the “time bandit” who doesn’t mind stealing your day, “Really, just 5 minutes” at a time.

At first you can probably just ignore them, then give a subtle non-verbal hint like glancing at your watch and raising an eyebrow. If that doesn’t work, speak up and politely assert your healthy boundary. Otherwise, you’ll be “taken prisoner”, and the victim-victimizer chain will spread.

Its important to speak up about garden-variety interpersonal boundaries – when someone steps on toes, breaks a policy, or blows an agreement. Being direct demands respect.

Permission is Better than Forgiveness

How’s your skill at honoring other people’s boundaries? Do you remember to “ask permission” before invading their personal space? For example, when initiating a conversation, do you ask “Is this a good moment?” or “Do you have about 10 minutes to go over your comments or should I come back after lunch?” or “Are you open to discussing this project right now?”

No matter what their response, this says you are aware that you are interrupting, you want their full attention, and are willing to hear their truth.

Healthy boundaries are essential to getting things done and building relationships that last. Indeed, the practice of skillfully setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is as close to a “magic ticket” as anything I know.

With healthy limits, you safely go about doing your best work; without them, either you or the company will eventually take a hit. What’s one boundary you’ll set this week?

Continue with Part 2: Skills to Set and Maintain Healthy Workplace Boundaries
or check out our Health Boundaries Self-Assessment

Building A Better Workplace: Meeting Expectations

By Daniel Robin

“I called this meeting to find out what you think of our new company slogan, cialis ‘We’re working for you’, decease ” the Vice President proclaims.

“When did we come up with that winner?” queries George, a particularly vocal middle manager.

“At last week’s management retreat. What do you all think of it?”

“Hey, it really works for me!” announces George, with only a hint of sarcasm.

When you walk into a typical meeting at your company, what do you expect? The company party-line, with no real information, or an honest exchange of ideas? People actively pretending to listen? Or do you expect your organization’s meetings to be consistently imaginative, inspiring, and powerfully productive?

One of the most common complaints I hear from workers is that their meetings stink – they’re either too long, too loose, or too predictable. Organizational issues such as lack of buy-in to company goals & vision, low morale & cynicism, politics & infighting … can often be traced back to the quality of our face-to-face encounters.

Corporate Truth Serum

A company’s meetings are where the cultural “rubber meets the road,” and the espoused theories about “who we think we are” become practical demonstrations of “who we really are.” People skills and a little planning can help remedy these common meeting maladies:

Dull city – Some meetings are dull because they are overly structured or controlled. Do your meetings routinely suffer from being routine? If they’re too predictable, people will slip into a coma, making participation uneven if not weird.
Remedy: Allow room for “structured chaos” and spontaneity – those creative moments that surface innovative answers to problems that “ordinary” thinking would miss.
Preach, teach or reach? If your meetings leave people confused or overwhelmed, adjust future sessions to fit with people’s natural learning and communication style. For example, some people need visuals, some written explanations, and some want to jump in and do work or they’ll consider the time wasted.
The gateway: reach people where they are.
No clear goal invariably results in circular thinking, being “lost but making good time,” misusing the time for irrelevant details or pet distractions – a classic case of the “hours are lost while the minutes are taken.” Set the agenda in advance, gaining consensus on purpose.
People drift off topic but nobody says “refocus” or gently challenges the speaker to tie their comments back to the stated purpose. Diversity of opinion is helpful when it leads to creative insight, but lengthy tangents often stem from unclear direction (see prior concern), or not taking the agenda seriously. A flip chart page labeled “Parking Lot” can be used to quickly record side issues. A gentle intervention is “Tie that in … how does that relate to our topic?”
Results are nebulous – If there is no accurate, written record of decisions made, clear consensus and accountability on action steps, or no follow-up from prior work, the bottom falls out. Verify all agreements, making sure there’s a reasonable “by when.”
Yearning for learning – Take time out to evaluate the meeting itself. “What are we doing well? What would help us make better use of our time?”

Even in the best companies, not every meeting can be a hit. However, if there is a clear up-front goal, a visible agenda, and the players know the difference between a constructive tangent and a distraction, positive results are inevitable.

Are you willing to speak up if you see ways to improve? Will there be a respectful discussion of what can be done to improve? If not, don’t let yourself get comfortable with the status quo. It only takes a moment to plug the energy leaks. It can make the difference between wasting your time and making a strong commitment to something that truly matters.

Sailing the Seven C’s of Collaborative Business Relationships

By Daniel Robin

To some folks, the phrase “business relationships” is effectively an oxymoron. The more pressure to perform, the more likely there’ll be a bump in the road to collaboration that sends things flying out of control. Hopefully the “bump” isn’t the tip of an iceberg, but just a bit of rough water that will soon pass. Collaboration at work isn’t required, it’s just a lot more satisfying and fun when it works out that way.

These Seven C’s provide a platform for building a culture where teamwork thrives, people are happy and productive doing their best work ever, and can remain resilient in the face of these constantly-churning whitewaters.

The first three C’s are about you – how skillful you are in handling your business relationships; the remaining four factors are key to having successful agreements – where agreements provide the safety net that makes workplaces work. These seven C’s work together as a system of cooperation, continuous growth and performance improvement.

Courage – You have the nerve to say what must be said, and you temper it with consideration for the listener (the next principle), so the communication remains two-way. You show integrity when you assert what you know, and by daring to admit what you don’t know. “Integrity” implies knowing if your communication is based in objective fact, your opinion (an interpretation of those facts), or a blending of both. Sometimes it takes courage to let silence speak on your behalf. Inquiry: Where might you want to step up and be more courageous in your business dealings?
Consideration – As a sign of respect, you take into account the other person’s needs and wants, their present situation, and you “step into their shoes” (better yet, dance in them) – without losing focus on the goals at hand. Paradoxically, the more considerate you are, the more tough-minded and courageous you can be without breaking rapport. Considerate also means listening so carefully that you can make requests and offers in ways that fit for the other person. How often do you let in the other person’s agenda before pursuing your own?
Consistency – Do you treat everyone the same? (“Sure, I treat everyone like dirt.”) No, I mean are you consistent, not arbitrary or biased, in your business relations? Do you operate out of a set of core values and principles (perhaps including these 7 C’s?) or are you subject to whims? Consistency is the basis for being seen as reliable, dependable, trustworthy. When you can predict what someone will do, it engenders “trust” (even if you don’t like their behavior). As a professional, do you put the company’s interests ahead of personalities and egos? When mistakes are made, do you focus on learning, on closing the gap between principles and practice?

Four Pillars of Agreements Business is about forwarding the action and getting results. In order to uphold and apply the first three principles, the following four conditions must be met. If any of these four factors miss the mark, chances are good that the agreement will go nowhere.

Clarity – You and colleagues are clear about what needs to be done – the goal is explicit and you have acknowledged the complete set of “conditions of satisfaction” (“Oh, you want it this Friday?”). There are five elements to a complete request … make sure the other person knows and can verify what they are agreeing to. See The Art and Practice of Agreement for details.
Capacity – This is about one’s “bandwidth,” real-world ability to see it through to completion, to stay focused over time, to clear the path. If one’s plate is so full that the new agreement won’t fit, the capacity to get the job done is low. Self-talk: “This fits for me.”
Competence: Having the skills and experience to carry out the request properly, and managing your resources so that you can honor all your agreements. This includes renegotiating the minute you notice an agreement that’s likely to run aground. Competence also means making request of others to get help, and only making agreements with those who are competent to carry out the request.
Commitment – A solid “yes” that represents unwavering alignment to give one’s best effort. Your self-talk might be: “My word is my bond.” Skillfully check for any unacknowledged resistance or concerns. Surface the downsides to enjoy the upsides. If you’re not able to gain a commitment (or you are not willing), find out what other commitments are in the way. “If not this, what are you committed to? How can we work it out so that both get the investment of time and attention they each deserve?”

Apply What You Know, Set Sail, and Go! And if you were to rate yourself on each of these Seven C’s, which are most solid –established strengths – and which one leaves you all wet? Pick one to ponder during the coming weeks, and you’ll find that heightened attention to navigating those difficult waters makes for smoother sailing on the seas of business relationships. What’s the foundational relationship skill? Read Rapport: The Link to Gaining Cooperation to find out. What are the specific behaviors of collaboration? Request Collaborate to Accelerate: The Five Behaviors of Collaborative Leadership to learn more.

Why is Not the Question (nor is it the answer)

By Daniel Robin

Kevin and Denise have learned how to fight. With comments like “How could you …?!” and “I hate it when you do that,” they share little more than a difference of opinion. If we ask them “why” they are fighting, we will probably hear “because he’s being a jerk” or “because she won’t listen to reason.” That response explains only the cause of the fight, but not its purpose. A more precise question to ask is “What is the fighting intended to accomplish?” or “What is your real purpose or interest here?”

In our culture, we ask “Why?” without giving it much thought. It is culturally taboo to ask “Why?” in some parts of the world. In Kuwait, for instance, where taboos grow on trees alongside coconuts, I frequently heard “We don’t ask why.” In the west, we maintain a degree of freedom through our questioning of authority and assumptions. Rebellion runs deep, and questioning assumptions helps us take a clear stand in the world. How does it feel, however, when someone else questions your authority or assumptions?

The question “Why?” will either uncover the cause — an explanation of the event as a result of something that happened in the past — or it will reveal purpose, as an act intended to achieve something for the future. Why am I making this distinction? Better yet, what am I wanting to accomplish through making this distinction? I thought you’d never ask.

To uphold principles of continuous improvement and self mastery, asking yourself “Why?” questions is a valuable practice of self-inquiry; however, unless you have permission in your relationships to probe motives and reasoning, use a different word.

When there is a conflict or a difference of opinion, even if you don’t intend it, “why?” will usually be heard as second-guessing or questioning motivation. For instance, “Why did you smash your bicycle into the front of my car?” The causal relationship flavor of “Why” examines purpose and intentions. Rather than taking an unnecessary risk with “Why are we fighting?” substitute “What’s your intention in taking this point of view?” or “What do you really want here?”

Asking Inside and Outside

If you deeply ponder questions like “Why am I here? or “Why was I put on this planet?” you will discover and focus on your purpose or calling — on what you want out of life. By contrast, when gathering information from others, “why?” questions will tend to talk about what we don’t want (the problems of the past), limitations (why we have the problem), and point to who or what is at fault. “What” and “how” questions ask about future possibilities, can be used with greater precision, and generally don’t question the other person’s intelligence (there are exceptions, of course, like “How can you be so stupid?”).

Before it begins to sound like I’m why-bashing, “why” questions are particularly useful during problem-solving for tracing root cause — that is, what is it about the process or approach that will perpetuate what we don’t want until we fix it? “Why?” questions are often used in quality audits for this purpose. For example, “Why did the conveyor belt stop? It stopped because the ball bearings got too tight. Why are the ball bearings tight? Because they ran dry of oil. Why did they …” until you get to the process or underlying issue that needs to be addressed.

Lastly, if you really want to know cause, here’s a simple technique that is less inflammatory, to help you fly under the radar: State back what you heard the other person say, add the word “because …” and let it hang so they can fill in the blank. “You decided to send that memo to my manager because …” while you look on and listen with disarming curiosity and interest.

As change agents, we have to be open — not simply to new answers, but open to asking different questions. Questions that bring us toward win-win outcomes with our relationships strengthened in the process. So have fun with it. Why? Because ….

Humor in the Workplace: Compulsion or Choice?

Someday we’ll look back on these times and laugh … so why not start now!?

By Daniel Robin

Two executives walk into a bar. One says to the other “I’ve been thinking. If you took over as CEO, I could retire early.” The other executive responds, “Sure, dear, but not until after we put the kids to bed.”

(What? Oh, I get it … that’s like a joke, but not as funny. What matters is that now we’ve opened up the door for something funnier to come along. As the saying goes, “you can’t fall off the floor.”)

Humor’s Risks and Rewards

When humor can be used to bridge gaps, relieve tension, or add enjoyment to work relationships, everyone benefits. When it is used to mask true feelings — often the case with sarcasm — or, when cultural and style differences lead to misinterpretation, there’s likely a cost.

Is humor part of your natural style? If so, let’s check out how to manage the risks of having fun. If not, that’s okay … I hear they pay pretty well at the DMV (oops, there goes my license).

Being PC in a World That Isn’t

Being politically correct in a world of political hypocracy and madness can be quite a trick. In the past, if someone or something was different from us, we’d tend to make fun — a natural (though perhaps immature) response. How do you currently deal with people or events you don’t understand?

Nowadays, diversity and gender sensitivity training asks that we respect and value the differences. Still, because old attitudes often die slowly, expect a gap between this espoused theory and daily practice. Can humor fill this gap? It can if you’re willing to risk and learn.

I Don’t Get It … Is that a Joke?

For starters, if someone seems humor impaired (oh, excuse me, that’s “levity challenged”), assume it’s you that needs to lighten up, not them. In effect, they’re not lacking a sense of humor … it’s just that you haven’t yet found a way to get past the guard dog to tickle that soft underbelly. Keep trying (or pick on someone else’s underbelly), paying close attention to the responses you get. Remember: a blank stare or no response is a response.

If the other person is noticeably upset, walk softly (and carry a big schtick? No. Be careful.). Initially match their mood or energy level. If you can’t tell where they’re coming from, ask. Putting yourself at choice in your use of humor is key to minimizing the risks. If you offend, learn from it. Apologize. This type of open exchange can, ironically, encourage healthier and more honest interactions.

Taking the Heat Off

When someone has a big problem with something you did (or didn’t do), humor offers an effective alternative to either brushing them off, being defensive, or caving in. For example, if you just kept someone waiting, what if you say “I was abducted by aliens.” That’s probably better than saying “You messed up, you trusted me,” or “Boy, some people never learn….” When in doubt, make fun of yourself.

The important thing is to show that you have a sense of humor and are willing to use it. Yes, if you go overboard with humor you might get yourself labeled a goof or “loose cannon.” (So what do they know?! You can always just blow up their office.) There are times, however, when kidding around can be a tremendous asset, a compassionate and effective diplomatic tool. At other times, instead of being “nice,” it might be more helpful to just be “real.”

Humor is a tool, not a weapon. You’ll know you’re on the right track when the times are fun and the flies laugh more than they hurt. Or something like that….