Category Archives: Communication

Collaboration

Collaboration can become “coliberation” when done right.

When, exactly, are “two heads better than one”?  When the overall goal and task at hand deserve this form of closely aligned partnering.  Of course, not every type of work, every goal or every task deserves it, and when collaboration is warranted, success depends on the willingness and skill-sets of collaboration partners.  Key is to neither over- nor under-utilize collaboration, saving it for situations that will benefit from its advantages, avoiding auto-pilot limitations due to habitual responses to diversity, stretching toward greater and greater effectiveness.  

Check out our collaboration skills program course description, or contact us to schedule a delivery or discuss a tailored version of this course.

If you are an individual looking for self-study materials, consider downloading our 90-minute audio conference (offered through Lorman Education, with Continuing Education Unit credits available*) entitled Breaking Down Silos to Effective Collaboration (original Flyer PDF | Purchase program for $99 “on demand” at lorman.com/training/management/breaking-down-the-silos-for-effective-collaboration).

Related articles:

Why bother gaining greater awareness and skill with these tools for collaboration?  Because insanity is defined as doing what you’ve always done but expecting a different result. It takes a highly disciplined or slightly crazy (in a good way) person to choose what is less familiar and possibly uncomfortable, but such is the way of “style stretching” for those who normally over-use or under-use collaboration as their “go to” mode of interacting.  Professionals these days let the discomfort be their guide — getting comfortable with the discomfort — of trying new things, until that greater flexibility has been added to their repertoire.

How flexible are you when it comes to working with others, especially those who are unlike you?  At times a passenger, at others strongly “in charge” as topic leader, modern workplaces are most productive when experienced as a daily “flexibility drill” when collaborating with diverse others. Bending and stretching without get bent out of shape — skills worth honing over a lifetime!

Not seeing what you’re looking for?  Browse our other presentation topics for ideas.

* This course has been reviewed and approved for inclusion in the Human Resource Professional Development (HRPD) Certificate Program and qualifies for 0.5 credit. Please visit www.lorman.com/certification/hrpd for more information.

Presentations that Don’t Suck

Why is PowerPoint a cue to take a nap for so many professionals? Is it because they can? Nobody is watching them, and they can finally catch up on some much-needed rest? Unfortunately, nobody is watching the presenter, either.

Microsoft PowerPoint is one of the most used and most loathed tools in business today. It’s the go-to tool for 99% of presentation visuals intended to communicate with others. But if you ask people their opinion of it, they’ll tell you how boring and useless, ineffective or tacky the results usually are. What’s wrong with this picture? Why are they using this potentially powerful tool if it is so ineffective — just to sadistically torture their colleages?

The problem is that PowerPoint fundamentals are so easy to learn, it provides false security. Like playing the piano, it is easy to make noise, but playing well takes certain skills and practice. Most business people go about it bass-ackwards. They begin with the words they wish to say and mistake PowerPoint for a teleprompter. This is no player-piano! At best, PowerPoint can help focus and guide others with clues about the context, but there can be no subsitute for having clear ideas or information to convey, then working from the audience’s needs and expectations to identify the best design and use of the media.

Like the Internet itself, PowerPoint is a visual media. You wouldn’t create a single web page in 30 minutes and declare yourself proficient. Why do that with PowerPoint? Busy professionals then spend the rest of their career using that same incomplete skillset over and over, learning very little from each presentation because few dare to say out loud “Wow, you really suck at that!” (though they think it privately, right before they tune out), nor do they offer constructive suggestions for improvement. No wonder so many of us are guilty of “death by PowerPoint.”

This interactive and fun seminar or webinar reveals how easy it is to fall into the trap of creating annoying and useless slides, and more important, how rewarding it can be to break out of that mode and create and deliver truly engaging, even brilliant and inspiring presentations.

Webinar Details: Join author and presentations coach Daniel Robin as he shows you how to avoid the mishaps and mistakes that derail your message and undermine your credibility.  Not as difficult to master as your new smartphone and a lot more fun.

This session will show you how to:

  • Avoid the “cram-it-all-in” obsession (how many chunks of information are reasonable per slide?  What’s a “chunk” anyway?)
  • Use animation and motion without annoying the audience
  • Prevent PowerPoint from making you look stupid (it happens … a lot)
  • Effectively present “bullet point” lists without sounding robotic, or find out how to avoid them altogether!
  • Turn presentations into “conversations” that keep listeners engaged
  • Get out from under your slides and begin to convey your true expertise
  • Design slides that actually support and reinforce your key points
  • Connect with your audience so your message is understood and remembered

How?  Call toll-free in the USA 1-800-962-4733 to inquire about times and dates that fit your group’s schedule.  For a more in-depth experience, check out this course description.

New Rules for Communication @ Work

By Daniel Robin

This article describes a set of new rules for effective workplace communication in an ever-changing economy. It assumes that you are part of a high-performing organization that values innovation, participation (collaborative vs. command-and-control styles of leadership), mutual accountability and, to some extent, sustainability. Doesn’t sound like your workplace? Perhaps that’s part of your interest in this topic, for your own leadership or to influence the leaders.

Either way, awareness of these rules and corresponding tools to implement them will help make you more indispensable and increase your enjoyment at work.

Why do we need new rules anyway? Much has changed in recent years, spelling out new expectations. With all the turmoil and dislocation lately, there’s probably no such thing as “business as usual” anymore. New ethical and interpersonal standards are needed.

Here are the dynamic dozen:

  1. Get off my cloud! Boundaries are real
  2. Give up the need to control others
  3. Outrageous mutuality
  4. Stop talking [and other activities] into the wind
  5. Be real to get real
  6. Be like them
  7. Be transparent, not defensive
  8. No Whining, No Blaming
  9. Use a light touch
  10. Give to Get
  11. Be Your Word and honor commitments
  12. Respect time

The purpose is to get more of what you want, and have that hold up over time. To have quality of life at work without getting fired. To head off interpersonal friction before it becomes a problem. To deliver more value with less effort, and enjoy commensurate rewards.

In societal terms, perhaps the result of decades of living “unsustainably,” buying into myths and illusions that we are perfectly in control of our future (hint: nature does have a say), or perhaps due to “sensibility impairment” by those in charge about the path to a sustainable society, our compass must be recalibrated to again point to True North (hint: don’t buy real estate in low-lying coastal zones for awhile — at least not without flood insurance).

Stock markets and climate events (and thus investors and residents) seem more vulnerable to sudden, unpredictable changes than ever in history.  In the current political climate, “true stories” has become an oxymoron. What do you believe?  I believe we’ll have to wait for this storm to pass.

This moronic complexity seems emblematic of the need for a better understanding of what governs both built and natural environments.  Most of us cannot do much about the computers that are the probable cause of runaway stock exchanges, but we can take responsibility for our own interpersonal exchanges. Let’s take stock of these proposed new rules, one at a time.  The goal is to instill both resilience in the face of change and prevention (heading off bigger problems or seizing opportunities) at the right time.  A variation on changing what we can and accepting what we cannot.

Some of these rules may be familiar (classics in the making), some more exotic. They are all useful in certain contexts, and with practice you will be better prepared for whatever comes at you next. And what is that, you ask? What comes next? Since none of us knows, exactly, what better response is there than to gather new tools and make them available for when you need them most. Study and practice in this regard will open up new options, new avenues, greater flexibility and focus in your response to any situation.  As the saying goes, “choice is better than no choice. ”

For reference, we define collaborative leadership as the capacity and skill of working together to shape our collective future, and to sustain the process of change required to do so. Sustainability is “the possibility that humans and other life will flourish on Earth forever,” says John Ehrenfeld, a pioneer in the field of industrial ecology.

Many of the old rules for doing business have turned to dust, such as “shareholders come first.” Do they really? What would BP say to that? What if there are no longer any shareholders because the value of those shares suddenly vaporized? The old rules – and conventionality itself, it seems –no longer applies.

With a toxic vinaigrette now floating around the Gulf of Mexico, looking for a parking place, some new rules seem in order. I’m not suggesting the lack of these rules caused this unpecedented disaster, but I am saying that screwed-up communication may have been part of it. “I thought you said it was fail-safe!” “No, I said we’d be safe if it failed.”

We cannot do much about exploding oil platforms or computers that are the probable cause of runaway stock exchanges, but we can take responsibility for our own exchanges. Let’s take stock of these dozen new rules as a platform for getting more of what we all want:

1. Get off my cloud! Boundaries are real, even if you can’t see or touch them. Our expectations about adequate “personal space” – our tolerance of inquiries about your life outside of work, for example – vary greatly from one person to another. For you, it may be fine to share what you did over the weekend, but for another, absolutely none of your business. How you treat others can be interpreted as a sign of keen interest and empathy or as an invasion of personal privacy. Either way, pay careful attention. This and other boundaries deserve your respect. For example, a cooperative work relationship can quickly turn sour if you unwittingly step over a boundary and refuse to apologize at the perceived offense. So what if you needed a pen and raided a colleague’s desk without their permission … for that colleague, their desk is a sacred “safe space” away from a turbulent home life, not an office supply store. When knew?!

2. Give up the need to control others. As far as illusions go, control is one of the best, but it is also overrated. We all want to be “in control” of ourselves, our lives, and the things that happen along the way. Good luck with that. Gone are the days of having a tidy plan for, well, almost anything that involves other people, and a lock-step linear path to those end results. Okay, those days never existed. So what do you do with your fierce need to control?

a) Instead of buying into illusions (a form of magical thinking, but if that works for you …), you can practice moving with what’s happening in the moment, especially at first. Note that may be sharply divergent from what you think you wanted, or what you initially intended. This “moving with” keeps you tuned up for change. Listen to points of view that you think are just plain off, misguided, wrong-headed, … and see if you can accept even if you cannot agree. This practice will radically increase your adaptability, flexibility, agility. “Blessed are the flexible for they shall not get bent out of shape.”

b) How do you achive this ideal? One way is to Go slow to go faster. If you take time to meet someone where they are, rather than expecting them to come to you, you’ll get a better result.

3. Outrageous mutuality: Take responsibility for maintaining two-way dialogue. No victims here. Skillful listening is certainly useful, to a point. There are clearly limits, and you own setting them for yourself. If the other person talks and talks … continues talking right over you, even when you want to respond, it is on you to interrupt with something like “I hold myself accountable to actually hearing what’s important. I got lost back there.” Or simply “May I respond?”

Consumer protection warning: If someone begins to bore you with an elaborate story about which you care nada, interrupt early, explaining that you are “not available” for that. Do it before you start to feel resentful. Do it with a light heart and a feather. If all else fails, change the subject.

4. Stop talking [and other activities] into the wind. “Is anybody out there?” Talk less, listen more. Ask questions and dig for answers you can use. Be curious and interested in what other people think and know. If negotiating, FIND OUT what they want first, if possible. Leverage that toward all-win agreements if you want them to last.

5. Be real to get real. When in conversation, don’t just be “nice” to please the other party, be real. Being real includes taking turns to get and give information, but it also includes being up front about goals and intentions. What do you really want? What about the other party? Do you have a common basis for being in conversation let alone for making a lasting agreement? No interest in their story? Say so up front. The secret is how. {Maybe “no secrets” should be #5a?}

6. Be like them. Be yourself, of course, but you can also stretch over, at times, to be more like them. If you are truly yourself, you get an “A” for authenticity, but without this attention to the other person, you might also get a “D” for defended and dysfunctional from your conversation partner. How many times have you heard someone say “Interrupt if this gets boring”? or “I know I talk too much, but …” What do you do when you hear something that offends you? How do you handle interpersonal friction in the moment? If your attention is truly on them, and you know that this is a conversation, where you take turns, you can let the other person be fully understood before asking for the same courtesy. It is the psychology of negotiation – people listen better once they’ve been listened to. If you are having a hard time understanding where they are coming from, you’re not paying attention or asking enough questions. Get off your own map and get on theirs. Ask, “Are we in New Jersey?” and make sure you are indeed approximating mutual understanding.

7. Be transparent, not defensive: “I am not defensive!” Right. Admit mistakes, or at least the possibility of a mistake. Acknowledge that there are some things you do not know; seek input and counsel from others. It’s hip to not have all the answers. Customers and employees want to see “behind the curtain.” They want to understand your thought process, the policies, plans, and products you rejected as well as those you proudly launch. Some companies carry this to an extreme and regularly publish sustainability reports, detailing their accomplishments but also their gaps. Cleverly enough, sustainability reporting and the process of organizing the teamwork, processes, metrics and data (content of the report), is part of our offer of services.

Sidebar: For many companies, large and small, Sustainability Reports (and the periodic reporting process) became the framework for action – the “what to do” on the path to sustainability. In that sense, reports become a strategic management tool. The performance aspects come into play when management realizes that they can significantly impact results by observing key indicators and using them to dynamically shift practices such as inventory levels, energy and other resource use cycles, labor and turnover costs, etc.

8. No Whining, No Blaming. Blame went out of style in the 1980’s … and whose fault is that?! If you are transparent and responsible for the results you get, there is no blame, there is no failure, there is only feedback and learning. Definitely no need to whine. Instead, design. Rather than blame, aim toward goals. Sniveling and complaining is definitely out. Got an issue, here’s a tissue.

9. Use a light touch. You can usually deliver heavy news without being heavy handed. Someone breaks a rule, you break a fingernail, nothing more. If you can avoid threatening more severe bodily harm, and try not to run over people, that usually helps, too. Apparently, it is now somewhat culturally acceptable, at least in the West, to mix business with pleasure. Maybe it has always been, and I’m just late the party. In any case, lighthearted videos, fun quizzes, and offbeat content is rapidly moving from acceptable to essential. Not in every situation, of course, but most of the time, humor will help get your message across and make it longer lasting, more vital and viral.

10. Give to Get. Hardball negotiating tactics go over like a lead balloon. “My way or the highway!” ultimatums usually don’t get you anything but more resistance. Take a hint from bloggers and Web 2.0 culture, which is based on generosity, where people believe that no good deed goes unrewarded. It’s a new mindset for certain organizations, but an indispensable one. Even if you and your firm must be seen as hardliners, holding strong to principles and boundaries, no need to show up as hard on people. Be hard on the issues and generous and you’ll win more often and have those agreements work out in the long run.

11. Be Your Word and honor commitments. This one is age-old, timeless and not to be underestimated. The currency of most relationships is based on whether your “word is your bond.” In other words, be trustworthy – that is, worthy of trust. Follow through on your personal and professional commitments to your colleagues. If your reputation at work is ever on the line, your co-workers will be more likely to reserve judgment and grant you the benefit of doubt…just when you need it the most. What else do you have but your word? What matters more to upholding your reputation?

12. Respect time. Some people you work with are social animals who enjoy the banter and casual conversation that goes on in every office. Others can live without it – they just want results. Notice the rhythm and ease with which co-workers exchange pleasantries with you (or not), and engage them up to but not exceeding their comfort zones. This ties back to #6, be like them. Notice their body language before it becomes a point of irritation or annoyance. Learn to anticipate. When they get antsy or start glancing at their watch, it is probably over the line and no longer a sign of respect. Check in often and trust your intuition.

Do not attend a meeting without a clear up-front agenda. When things start to wrap up, summarize and check to see if there’s anything else to cover … don’t let the meeting just fizzle and run out of steam. Meetings are often over long before most people leave the room. Call a meeting complete and hang out socially if that’s what you want, but don’t drag others into your (or fall prey to others’) squishy boundaries.

Exploring the Inner Frontier, Part 2

Skills to Set and Maintain Healthy Workplace Boundaries — part 2 of 3

By Daniel Robin

Setting healthy boundaries at work can be your saving grace; it can also be a daily testimonial to your courage and skill. Whether you’re the boss who has not enough staff and way too much to do, or you’re a member of that staff, establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries is an invisible and challenging art form – and a vital skill set for your sustained success.

How can this article series help? See if any of these scenarios sound familiar:

  • Job Description from Hell. If other people continuously expect more than you can ever deliver, then there’s some work you need to do: begin to reset expectations based on reality.
  • High Ambition, Low Satisfaction. Do you often have a hard time leaving the office when you say you will? And yet, you want to have it all? If you constantly work, work, work, and tell yourself you’re on the fast-track … indeed, you may be on the “fast-track” … to burning yourself out. Hint: push back a little. It’s darn near impossible to build a solid career and reputation for excellence when you can barely breathe.
  • Speak Up for Balance. If you want to balance your work and your leisure, you generally know your limits and try to stand up for them, but alas, you keep getting squeezed out, this article series will give you some new tools to get your limits honored and your interests met.

Setting healthy boundaries – simply stating your truth, from your experience, without fear of retaliation or of hurting the other person’s feelings – is not supposed to be hard. If this topic brings up some concerns or makes you a bit nervous, good! That’s the edge that will have you asserting what you know and want.

The Place to Start

Ideally, workplace boundary setting takes place in a context of an open discussion about responsibilities, goals and priorities; there’s mutual understanding about what needs to be done, and the timeframes are carefully negotiated. (And then, of course, “change happens,” but what counts is having a workable agreement on the front end).

However, even if such contracting didn’t happen up front, it probably isn’t too late to go for better agreements. How you express your limits, your strengths and your abilities is key to setting a boundary that gets respected.

Here are three core skill areas to help get you there:

1. Know your limits, know what you want.

By now, most of us set goals (a prioritized list of what you want), but do you know your limits? One client said, “I know them when I go beyond them. If I am unaware of what I cannot do, I’m likely to drown in that which I cannot see.” Knowing your limits is a source of inner strength and helps you focus your energies on what you can do.

To protect yourself from going “overboard,” be organized and on top of your commitments, including knowing yourself and your strengths to give accurate estimates of timeframes (I generally take my best guess then double it). If you regularly put your priorities in writing, it will help you handle unplanned requests or the inevitable reprioritization in a professional, matter-of-fact way. What would written weekly and daily priorities look like for you?

2. Tactfully and openly communicate goals and limits.

Sell your abilities by demonstrating what you can get done without selling yourself short by taking on too much. Put out there 100% of what you want and what you are willing to do to get it. When you talk about your limitations, focus on your positive intention, ask for help in doing your best work, and problem solve, don’t complain about the problem.

Pay attention to how the other person is receiving your communication. Be open to feedback; better still, ask for feedback.

3. Be available to discuss differences and get to agreements.

Listen and verify your understanding of the other person’s needs, interests and concerns. This is a time for using your best communication and win-win negotiation skills. Tune in to their concerns or limits, and look for simple ways to “work it out.”

Next section’s focus is on healthy boundaries in adversarial or conflict situations, like dealing with people when they get stressed out or when the stakes are particularly high. Click here for Part 3, What’s a Healthy Boundary Between You and that Maniac?

For now, how did the boundary you set from Part 1 work out? What’s one new boundary you’ll establish this week?

Sailing the Seven C’s of Collaborative Business Relationships

By Daniel Robin

To some folks, the phrase “business relationships” is effectively an oxymoron. The more pressure to perform, the more likely there’ll be a bump in the road to collaboration that sends things flying out of control. Hopefully the “bump” isn’t the tip of an iceberg, but just a bit of rough water that will soon pass. Collaboration at work isn’t required, it’s just a lot more satisfying and fun when it works out that way.

These Seven C’s provide a platform for building a culture where teamwork thrives, people are happy and productive doing their best work ever, and can remain resilient in the face of these constantly-churning whitewaters.

The first three C’s are about you – how skillful you are in handling your business relationships; the remaining four factors are key to having successful agreements – where agreements provide the safety net that makes workplaces work. These seven C’s work together as a system of cooperation, continuous growth and performance improvement.

  1. Courage – You have the nerve to say what must be said, and you temper it with consideration for the listener (the next principle), so the communication remains two-way. You show integrity when you assert what you know, and by daring to admit what you don’t know. “Integrity” implies knowing if your communication is based in objective fact, your opinion (an interpretation of those facts), or a blending of both. Sometimes it takes courage to let silence speak on your behalf. Inquiry: Where might you want to step up and be more courageous in your business dealings?
  2. Consideration – As a sign of respect, you take into account the other person’s needs and wants, their present situation, and you “step into their shoes” (better yet, dance in them) – without losing focus on the goals at hand. Paradoxically, the more considerate you are, the more tough-minded and courageous you can be without breaking rapport. Considerate also means listening so carefully that you can make requests and offers in ways that fit for the other person. How often do you let in the other person’s agenda before pursuing your own?
  3. Consistency – Do you treat everyone the same? (“Sure, I treat everyone like dirt.”) No, I mean are you consistent, not arbitrary or biased, in your business relations? Do you operate out of a set of core values and principles (perhaps including these 7 C’s?) or are you subject to whims? Consistency is the basis for being seen as reliable, dependable, trustworthy. When you can predict what someone will do, it engenders “trust” (even if you don’t like their behavior). As a professional, do you put the company’s interests ahead of personalities and egos? When mistakes are made, do you focus on learning, on closing the gap between principles and practice?

Four Pillars of Agreements Business is about forwarding the action and getting results. In order to uphold and apply the first three principles, the following four conditions must be met. If any of these four factors miss the mark, chances are good that the agreement will go nowhere.

  1. Clarity – You and colleagues are clear about what needs to be done – the goal is explicit and you have acknowledged the complete set of “conditions of satisfaction” (“Oh, you want it this Friday?”). There are five elements to a complete request … make sure the other person knows and can verify what they are agreeing to. See The Art and Practice of Agreement for details.
  2. Capacity – This is about one’s “bandwidth,” real-world ability to see it through to completion, to stay focused over time, to clear the path. If one’s plate is so full that the new agreement won’t fit, the capacity to get the job done is low. Self-talk: “This fits for me.”
  3. Competence: Having the skills and experience to carry out the request properly, and managing your resources so that you can honor all your agreements. This includes renegotiating the minute you notice an agreement that’s likely to run aground. Competence also means making request of others to get help, and only making agreements with those who are competent to carry out the request.
  4. Commitment – A solid “yes” that represents unwavering alignment to give one’s best effort. Your self-talk might be: “My word is my bond.” Skillfully check for any unacknowledged resistance or concerns. Surface the downsides to enjoy the upsides.  If you’re not able to gain a commitment (or you are not willing), find out what other commitments are in the way.  “If not this, what are you committed to?  How can we work it out so that both get the investment of time and attention they each deserve?”

Apply What You Know, Set Sail, and Go! And if you were to rate yourself on each of these Seven C’s, which are most solid –established strengths – and which one leaves you all wet? Pick one to ponder during the coming weeks, and you’ll find that heightened attention to navigating those difficult waters makes for smoother sailing on the seas of business relationships. What’s the foundational relationship skill?  Read Rapport: The Link to Gaining Cooperation to find out. What are the specific behaviors of collaboration?  Request Collaborate to Accelerate:  The Five Behaviors of Collaborative Leadership to learn more.

Why is Not the Question (nor is it the answer)

By Daniel Robin

Kevin and Denise have learned how to fight. With comments like “How could you …?!” and “I hate it when you do that,” they share little more than a difference of opinion. If we ask them “why” they are fighting, we will probably hear “because he’s being a jerk” or “because she won’t listen to reason.” That response explains only the cause of the fight, but not its purpose. A more precise question to ask is “What is the fighting intended to accomplish?” or “What is your real purpose or interest here?”

In our culture, we ask “Why?” without giving it much thought. It is culturally taboo to ask “Why?” in some parts of the world. In Kuwait, for instance, where taboos grow on trees alongside coconuts, I frequently heard “We don’t ask why.” In the west, we maintain a degree of freedom through our questioning of authority and assumptions. Rebellion runs deep, and questioning assumptions helps us take a clear stand in the world. How does it feel, however, when someone else questions your authority or assumptions?

The question “Why?” will either uncover the cause — an explanation of the event as a result of something that happened in the past — or it will reveal purpose, as an act intended to achieve something for the future. Why am I making this distinction? Better yet, what am I wanting to accomplish through making this distinction? I thought you’d never ask.

To uphold principles of continuous improvement and self mastery, asking yourself “Why?” questions is a valuable practice of self-inquiry; however, unless you have permission in your relationships to probe motives and reasoning, use a different word.

When there is a conflict or a difference of opinion, even if you don’t intend it, “why?” will usually be heard as second-guessing or questioning motivation. For instance, “Why did you smash your bicycle into the front of my car?” The causal relationship flavor of “Why” examines purpose and intentions. Rather than taking an unnecessary risk with “Why are we fighting?” substitute “What’s your intention in taking this point of view?” or “What do you really want here?”

Asking Inside and Outside

If you deeply ponder questions like “Why am I here? or “Why was I put on this planet?” you will discover and focus on your purpose or calling — on what you want out of life. By contrast, when gathering information from others, “why?” questions will tend to talk about what we don’t want (the problems of the past), limitations (why we have the problem), and point to who or what is at fault. “What” and “how” questions ask about future possibilities, can be used with greater precision, and generally don’t question the other person’s intelligence (there are exceptions, of course, like “How can you be so stupid?”).

Before it begins to sound like I’m why-bashing, “why” questions are particularly useful during problem-solving for tracing root cause — that is, what is it about the process or approach that will perpetuate what we don’t want until we fix it? “Why?” questions are often used in quality audits for this purpose. For example, “Why did the conveyor belt stop? It stopped because the ball bearings got too tight. Why are the ball bearings tight? Because they ran dry of oil. Why did they …” until you get to the process or underlying issue that needs to be addressed.

Lastly, if you really want to know cause, here’s a simple technique that is less inflammatory, to help you fly under the radar: State back what you heard the other person say, add the word “because …” and let it hang so they can fill in the blank. “You decided to send that memo to my manager because …” while you look on and listen with disarming curiosity and interest.

As change agents, we have to be open — not simply to new answers, but open to asking different questions. Questions that bring us toward win-win outcomes with our relationships strengthened in the process. So have fun with it. Why? Because ….

Communication Skills for People Under Pressure

By Daniel Robin

“There comes a time … when we must grab the bull by the tail and face the situation.”
– W.C. Fields

You walk into a meeting with your agenda brandished on your frontal lobes, ready to get the team’s unwavering commitment and blast into action. The last time you had an assignment with this group, some joker disagreed, it threw you off, and it took forever to get it done. This time you don’t have the luxury of such fooling around.

Hey, lighten up! When stakes are high, and with increasing pressure and chaos all around us, it’s vital to strike a balance between focus on the goal and flexibility in how you’ll get there.

A recent study, that I just made up, showed that more than 50% of the companies surveyed are undergoing major changes most of the time.  And two out of three people feel constant uncertainty and ambiguity in the workplace.  Or was that three out of four?  Hard to be sure at a time like this.

Why We Aren’t Dead Yet

Luckily, the human organism is equipped with stress-release valves, which is why many of us trudge admirably through life despite the odds. Sometimes the valves can get stuck. Exercise, meditation, or PMA (that’s positive mental attitude) can help; however, there are also interpersonal tools we humans need to avert exhaustion or death or accumulated blahs from workplace pressure.

Five Telltale Signs

These five indicators tell you if you’re balancing focus and flexibility, force and frivolity, seriousness with silliness.

1. When the Going Gets Tough … the Tough Use Humor

John Cleese, of Monty Python fame, was asked if he thought there were times when humor might not help. He replied, “Yes, if you’re attacking a machine gun emplacement, it’s no time for jokes, pies in the face, or dropping your trousers to amuse the enemy … but when the job is done, you had better find something to laugh about, or spend some time relaxing and having fun.”

Fortunately, most of us are not engaged in physical battle, so instead of tightening up and slamming through — throwing more time, money, muscle, energy … at the problem — how about lightening up and asking the team (or yourself) to look for an easier way? Who said it has to be this hard?

2. Are You Noticing Other People?

Pressure causes most of us to dig in, focus, pull up the escape hatch, and close the stress-release valve. “Don’t tell me to relax, damit … this tension is the only thing keeping me from falling apart!”

Isolation works for short spurts, until we get interrupted or we seek answers from other lifeforms.

If the situation at hand seems like a joke, perhaps you’re half way there. To prevent “hardening of the attitudes,” notice the absurdity in it, then notice how other people can play a role in attacking the problem (rather than attacking each other).

3. Can You Meet Them Where They Are?

When you have a clear objective, and you know how you’ll recognize the results you’re after, then you are free to effectively explore what others think, know, and want, without fear of getting thrown off track, without “losing it.”

By initially meeting the other person where they are (not where you are, or where you want them to be), you can then take deliberate steps toward your goal and they’ll be more likely to go along.

This up-front investment in first understanding them, and letting them know you got it, gets you out of isolation, clearing the runway for faster results. It’s what we call “go slow to go fast.”

4. Response-able Versus Responsible

Change is inevitable; it is our response to change that makes or breaks us.

Blaming others when things go wrong gives us the illusion of control. “I identified the source of the problem and, just as I thought, they screwed it up!” On the other hand, if we assume too much personal responsibility, the load gets unbearably heavy.

The best way to manage and lead change, or when things go wrong, is to identify areas of shared responsibility, and get to an agreement about consequences we all want to avoid (such as perpetuating past problems) and what we are going to do about it now. Rehashing the past is pointless and an energy drain.

5. Is Learning Happening?

Effective business relationships are based on learning (also known as continuous improvement). Do you give and get feedback easily? Are you generally open, non-defensive, willing to listen, understand and use what you hear? If someone points out that you (heaven forbid) made a “mistake,” can you see your customers, coworkers, the boss … as a learning resource?

There are two ways to learn anything: the easy way, and the hard way. As Calvin once proclaimed to his companion Hobbes, “Ignorance is bliss …” and as they flew over a cliff and landed on their heads, Hobbes said, “I’m not sure I can stand so much bliss.” Calvin cautioned, “Careful! We don’t want to learn anything from this.”

What if you are Focused, Flexible and Feeling Flat?  

Is there such a thing as too little or too much pressure? How does pressure relate to performance? What’s your sweet spot?  How would you describe it?  What are the conditions that give rise to it?

Here’s the your next productive obsession, gateway to peak performance.

© 2008-2015 Daniel Robin & Associates; all rights reserved worldwide

The Gentle Art of Confrontation

By Daniel Robin

When you have a difficult message to convey to someone, how do you get them to listen non-defensively? This article explores methods of delivering so-called “bad news” with maximum effectiveness and minimum offensiveness.

Consider the following situation at the office: a co-worker consistently deflects, resists, or lashes back each time you initiate an open an honest discussion of an issue. You’ve become frustrated or upset with this person’s attitude and inability to hear your message. You’d like to express how it is for you, get to an understanding or agreement, and move on.

Have you thought about why they would be resisting? Just to be difficult? Fear? Self-preservation? Perhaps you just haven’t found a way to fly in “under their radar.”

If the other person’s behavior is bothering you then you own the decision about how to handle it. Your options are: avoid, accommodate, defer to someone else, or confront. Don’t expect the other person to notice you are bothered. If you tend to avoid confrontations, an important question to ask yourself is “Will the situation change if I do nothing?” If you confront, you might arrive at a win-win (negotiated) solution, a compromise, or no deal.

Given a typical situation in your work or everyday life, what would you normally do?

The best move depends on two factors: (1) your ultimate goal or agenda with this person, and (2) their natural communication style (relative to your own style).

Gaining Leverage

Let’s assume you have to work together, or perhaps you’re in a relationship you value for someother reason. If you are holding a negative opinion about the other person, you could just go directly for what you want: for them to hear you, see it your way, and perhaps to change their behavior. Directly confronting the issue by telling them what you think will clear it for you, but might not get your true message across. Why? Because there are two components; there’s the content of your message (“You missed another deadline”) and your feelings about that message (“… and I’m sick and tired of it.”). What’s your true intention in making the other person aware of your view? Being overly assertive can get you “resolution” at the expense of the relationship.

Assuming you want to preserve or strengthen your relationship with this person and simultaneously get your point across, you need leverage. Have you noticed that people always — yes, always — operate out of their needs, wants, and desires? If you knew their interests (to get a raise, to get you off their back) or their intentions (to get along better with people), you’d have a way to reach your goal without manipulating, controlling, badgering, or otherwise upsetting them. Knowing their agenda would empower you to make a request or to offer a potential solution in terms they will value.

So how do you find out?

Ask It Like It Is

What’s more likely to get you on track toward your goal: asking or telling? Telling it like it is may be satisfying for you in the moment, but will it get you the response you want? Asking direct, powerful questions — rather than making a strong assertion — will reveal lots about their agenda. That awareness allows you to move with and find ways to blend with their desired outcome, so you can reach your ultimate goal.

Asking questions and listening creates “psychological air” for them to hear you. In short, avoid explaining your viewpoint or making requests until after you’ve discovered theirs.

Flex Over to Their Style

You’ll get more leverage if you acknowledge and match their natural communication style. Style reflects values, which points to their likely outcome, providing a good platform for negotiation and agreement. For example, if they are a particularly task-oriented person, they might forget to include the team in key decisions. By knowing they care more about getting the job done than about chit-chat, you’ll be better able to couch things in terms they will understand.

Consumer protection warning: unless you have permission to dig and do process problem-solving, avoid asking “Why” questions. It puts people on the defensive and tends to talk about the past. Instead, use questions that start with “What” or “How.” When you ask questions, to avoid sounding like an interrogator, carry the intent to learn, be genuinely curious and interested. It’s far less threatening. Being in a state of childlike curiosity is quite “disarming.”

Now It’s Your Turn

So, if your goal is to influence the other person’s behavior, the next step is to get them to hear and value how the situation personally affects you. When you have rapport, the classic “I” message is probably your best “tell” alternative. An “I” message uses the template “I feel [name the feeling] when you [describe the behavior] because [state the consequences or reasons for your feelings]” and is clear and direct. The sequence is key: state your feeling first, then their part described in behavioral terms, then what it means to you. If you begin with “You …” everything after that will be deflected and they’ll probably say “You…” also.

There are two ways that even carefully constructed “I” messages can backfire: (1) They often provoke defensiveness or resistance, perching the listener at the edge of what we call the “blame frame.” (2) The person might not be inspired to care about your feelings nor about their role in producing your feelings. In business, some “I” messages will get you a chilly “That’s your problem, isn’t it?” For instance, how would Rambo respond to “I feel scared when you …”?

If you can assert your view with no attachment to being heard (in other words, the message sent is for you, not for them), then an “I” message will help you be responsible, be candid in the moment, to clear your feelings. After delivering your “I” message, double-check to see if the person is still available to hear the message (informational) part of your “I” message.

Another “tell” approach is called the “sandwich technique” and will often buy you the joy of being heard: first acknowledge their positive intentions or behavior, drop the bombshell (try “In the future, I suggest…”, or “You might consider…”), then conclude with more positive reinforcement.

This velvet glove approach must be brief and sincere, or you’ll get interrupted with “Get to the point!” or “Okay, what’s the bad news?” This technique not only softens the blow when you have difficult news to deliver, but it also keeps you from blurting out your feelings in ways that might not fit for the other person.

Lastly, and probably the most effective, is to make a request. Rather than saying “I’m sick and tired of you always arriving late for our meetings!” try “I request that you to recommit to our agreement about being on time. Does that work for you?” Or “Will you pay me $10 every time you are more than 10 minutes late to a meeting?” Even if your request is not accepted, at least you’ll make your point without verbal abuse. Who knows, you might even acquire some supplementary income.

Right-Wrong Thinking … is Just Plain Wrong

By Daniel Robin

“It’ll never work, asserts Max, after reading the proposal.

“What won’t work, Max? I’d like your input … or is it too difficult to let somebody else be right occasionally?,” I ask.

“Fine, you can be right all you want,” sweeping his arm graciously, “– but your idea stinks.”

“Hey, I’ve no interest in being right. I just want there to be room for us to openly and constructively disagree about it … Okay?”

“Sure, no problem, … if you’ll admit that you’re wrong.  I thought I was wrong once … but as it turned out, I was, well, mistaken.”

“Ahhhhhhh! Aren’t there any other options with you!?”

A far too familiar scene for most of us. All reasonably assertive people lapse into right-wrong thinking occasionally, but why does it happen? Perhaps it springs from our human need for acceptance, validation, and understanding … to maintain self-respect and dignity in the face of make-wrong attacks. It probably gets amplified in the workplace by pressure to be decisive, or from the intense desire to succeed. However, the root cause is not in pursuing these interests, but rather in the belief that in order to be “right,” in effect, someone else has to be “wrong.”

The Price of Right-Wrong Exclusivity

Unless you’re a litigation attorney, the right-wrong assumption is expensive. How do you respond to someone who is so attached to being “right” that they pay little attention to the possibility that you could also be right? If you play this limited game, it invites conflict and quickly blocks effective dialogue, stifles creativity, dampens enthusiasm … killing the will to cooperate. Despite the best of intentions, a conversation that assumes someone must be proven wrong automatically prevents us from getting the results we most want: to be understood, to learn something new, or to get something done.

The one exception: adversarial systems, such as litigation or war, designed to produce win-lose decisions. Even then, making the person wrong is less effective than exposing problem areas such as misconduct, breech of contract, use of poor judgment … to make their position invalid.

Being “right” interpersonally is in sharp contrast to right/wrong morality debates or the need to “enforce” ethical standards — thankfully, there are established laws, including the immutable laws of nature, to guide decisions and define “fair and reasonable” conduct. An occasional debate about fair practice will help set better policies; however, most of us are in service to tangible results goals in our work, where right/wrong thinking blocks progress, aggravates, or possibly even damages relationships. It is therefore too expensive to operate as if a win/lose decision is even necessary in the first place!

Give up Being “Right” … Go For Being Accurate

When you go for being accurate, you join the ranks of the partially right and partially mistaken — welcome to being human — and more possibilities open up immediately. Like most assumptions, the right/wrong assertion will prove itself to be true, invisibly, over and over, until the limited thinking is ousted, deposited curbside with the other random garbage we’ve picked up along the way.

Look out landfill!

As you notice situations where the choice seems to be either (a) we fight about it, or (b) one of us has to be wrong (“… and it better not be me!”), see if you can shift it to (c) let’s agree to disagree openly and collaborate on finding a third alternative — perhaps we’re both partially right, and let’s figure out which parts to keep.

The next article looks at ways of dealing with anger as well as suggestions for dealing with an angry person to avoid getting “hooked” by anger of your own.

May you always be in your right mind, and have exactly the right answers to precisely the right questions. Or know someone who does.

Trust: Part 3

Trust This: Five Ways to Be Reliable

By Daniel Robin

The last two parts of this article reframed “trust” as “being able to predict the other person’s behavior,” describing some of the dynamics that help you minimize the risks of counting on others. Like most facets of interpersonal relations, on this important two-way street called “trust-based relationships,” you’ll get where you want to go if you focus primarily on your own driving. If the other guy or gal is swerving and acting crazy, skillfully get out of the way.

In other words, if you want trust, focus on how to be trustworthy.

They Call Me … Mr. Responsible

How is your own conduct? Are you consistent, and reasonably predictable? Or do you do different things at different times? Some people are what I call “random behavior generators” — they’re so intent on being hard to peg, without explanation, they’ll rearrange their furniture, change their hairstyle, or shift an opinion mid-sentence, just to hear people say “How interesting….” Certainly, some mystery is good (or at least entertaining), and you’ll get a better response from people if they understand your motives, intentions and goals.

How do you know if you’re seen as trustworthy? Ask yourself this fifty-cent question: “To what extent is there alignment between my core values and behavior, my intentions and actions, my communication and the response I get?” Your mission, should you choose to accept it: systematically close the gap.

Agreements as Safety Net

Have you experienced times when you felt out of control at work? Nothing went as planned (planning? what’s that?). Agreements also serve as an objective standard for gathering feedback when “life happens” but the agreement doesn’t. Here are five tips to reliably improve your reliability:

Tip #1: Make fewer and better agreements, and trust will soar

Making fewer and better agreements will help you honor the ones you do make, and deal more effectively with situations outside your control.

This tip isn’t suggesting that you intentionally overcommit but rather that you’d damage your credibility if you allowed others to hear a “yes” when you didn’t fully mean it. If this happens, who is responsible for their “hallucination?” They probably are. But handling possible misinterpretations on the front end is much easier than damage control.

Tip #2: Learn to learn

It’s more important to be consistent than to be perfect. Nobody I know, even those with the highest of integrity, can honor all their agreements all the time. That would require either perfect self-knowledge or living in a vacuum. So when things go their own way, focus on learning how to do it better the next time. Act as if there’s no such thing as failure, there’s only feedback.

It takes practice to take the appropriate amount of responsibility in a dynamic situation, to respond to criticism non-defensively. Listen for their intended meaning (ask “Do you mean…”) and accept their opinion as information you’ll seriously consider. Follow up with them if you decide to apply something they’ve said.

Tip #3: Renegotiate as early as possible

When a promise must be renegotiated, do so early, anticipate and the focus will be on the agreement and what can be done, not on your reliability, limitations, or whose fault it is.

Tip #4: Renegotiate any dysfunctional agreements

If you continually rely on someone that does not produce the goods, you suffer. Do you know anybody in your life who is, in a sense, wearing a hole in your pocket? You stretch to give them another chance, time and time again. Some relationships, by contrast, pay dividends, while with others, you could say that your “trust fund” is overdrawn. Over-reliance can be balanced with a good dose of appropriate skepticism and a tighter, renegotiated agreement. A negotiated agreement will help shift the burden of responsibility so that there’s two of you trusting.

Tip #5: Say what you mean (and mean what you say)

Being direct and tactful in equal measures helps others feel safe. If you’ve got some difficult feedback to deliver, balance your message with positive reinforcement, say how you feel about it, and encourage them to do the same. Your courageous and considerate communication will send a signal that you can be trusted, even if your message isn’t good news.

As others see you being open and forthcoming, they’ll quickly clear up any misunderstandings, be straight and direct, and expect the same. When trust is based on being able to predict the other person’s behavior, you’ll have a reason to be curious about how people operate so you can discover and play to their strengths.

Not Just the Facts, Ma’am

By Daniel Robin

“Hey, the boss is all upset,” reports Todd, looking a bit worried.

Curious to know what Todd observed, Nancy asks “How do you know the boss is all upset?”

“Well,” Todd explains, “I just saw her jumping up and down and pounding her fists on the desk. I’d say that means we’re in trouble.”

“Relax …,” says Nancy in reassuring tones, “that’s just the way she gets after eating lunch with creepy Bob.”

So, what about Bob? Why did Bob upset the boss? And why did the boss go out to lunch with him again if he’s such a creep? Any ideas? Think about it for just a moment.

Did you form an opinion about it just now? We don’t really know the circumstances, and yet notice how quickly and easily many of us get hooked into interpreting. Just like Nancy asked Todd for the basis of his interpretation (that the boss was upset), when would we benefit from obtaining the “facts” that led up to a conclusion?

Information from Outer Space

How do we get information anyway? The highest ‘quality’ information is from direct experience — what we observe using our sense perception. Second best is a report from someone about it.

There are two ways of talking about an experience: (1) describing exactly what you saw, heard, or felt, and (2) describing your reaction, interpretation, or opinion about what you saw or heard. Both ways are valuable. The skill is to distinguish between actual perceptions and your conclusions about them. This is the same difference as observation versus inference, or fact versus opinion.

In your work, when would misinterpretation (either yours or theirs) cost you? When would mistaking interpretation for fact lead to trouble, wasted time, extra effort?

Have you noticed that people’s interpretations often do not match? The real problem occurs, however, when someone (or an entire group) is lost in an interpretation about something that has little or no factual basis. If people will tell you what they observed (what they personally heard and saw) and what they think it means (their interpretation), then you have stronger information to use for verifying and in checking out the interpretations.

Mistaking interpretations for facts is one of the most common and insidious communication errors. No matter how much data we gather, people can and often do misinterpret that data. And since there’s not much we can do about that (except learn from it), a better way to manage the information flow is to notice the tendency to get hooked into interpretation when the situation is emotional or threatening to us.

How Can You Learn to Unhook?

When the situation is highly charged, practice shifting your attention to the facts, and the charge will lessen. This is particularly useful, for example, when giving concrete feedback in performance reviews, delegating a difficult task or making clear requests, and gathering third-party information on a situation of importance.

So, when the other person is hooked, ask “What did you see and hear that led you to that conclusion?” If, on the other hand, you’re getting just the facts, ma’am, ask “Based on that evidence, what interpretation do you make?”. When you’re the one giving the report, say “I noticed [describe behavior] … and I interpret it to mean….”

Getting lost in interpretation is as common and nearly as dangerous as zoning out while driving. If you’d like to avoid head-ons, practice shifting your attention to the facts, practice asking for people’s opinion when they’re drowning you in a sea of data, and practice giving both types of information to prevent being ‘seduced’ by the road.

Please Hallucinate the Way I Do

By Daniel Robin

A study of expert communicators has provided a powerful set of distinctions to help us notice and adjust for our human tendency to interpret, distort or delete, generalize, and make assumptions. This article looks at the ways that we tweak information. We all tend to fill in the gaps from our own experience. This is also known as hallucinating. (Usually this type of hallucination doesn’t involve seeing elephants in pink pajamas … however, you never know …).

The ways that we fill in the gaps can be very subtle. For example, suppose someone says “Maybe I can go to lunch with you,” and you hear “Yes.” Or if the boss says “I have comments on your report,” and you hear that she has problems with your report. Where does that distorted information come from? You really made it up, and you thought it was from the other person.

What you think I mean is not what I want you to hear. I think.

Human beings filter what other people tell us in three ways: through our personal history, through our desires, and through our fears. This leads to selective attention of what is being said (deletion, filtering out, or choosing not to hear), “bending” what we hear to match our expectations (distortion), or patterning what we hear after what we already believe (generalization). To make sense out of what other people say and do, we must go to our personal history. The goal is not to stop doing these things; the goal is to know where the information is coming from.

There are certainly times when hallucinating will lead to trouble, wasted time, extra effort. Some people have a habit of making up much of what they “know,” which can lead to communication breakdowns or patterns of conflict and tension. Either way, the accumulated cost of coming mostly from our own experience (instead of paying attention to the other person) can be tremendous.

Whose map are we on?

If we are aware of what other people might be facing, we can adjust our communication to head off potential misunderstandings. By fully attending to the other person’s “map” (how they represent their world, their history, expectations, fears, and concerns), you can more easily detect and correct for information that you may be adding. If you know what’s on their map, let them know you know. If you don’t know, find out. This builds tremendous trust, and your awareness of their situation helps you manage the flow of communication and anticipate likely outcomes. If your map happens to contain some misinformation, wouldn’t it be better to know about it now?

As you take time to verify and clean up areas of uncertainty, you will find more ease and flow in your work with others. The more we can access the useful parts of each other’s information, the closer we come to understanding and agreement. Does that sound worth having?

Next article examines ways to tell the difference between interpretations and facts.