A couple of sandwiches short of a full picnic.

A couple of bricks short of a full pallet.

Only has one oar in the water.

The driveway doesn’t make it to the front door.

A couple of bananas short of a full bunch.

The booms are down, the red lights are flashing but the train isn’t coming.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

A couple of kangaroos loose in the top paddock.

Has reached rock bottom and is starting to dig.

Is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

Under no circumstances should be allowed to reproduce.

Has the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age.

Works well under supervision and when cornered like a rat in a trap.

Technically sound, but socially impossible.

Should go far, and the sooner the better.

Has delusions of adequacy.

That's what I like about working for you:  total freedom from hero worship.  It's very refreshing. 

Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.

I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.

I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.

I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

How about never? Is never good for you?

That is so not going to happen.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.

Who me? I just wander from room to room.

It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m  really quite busy.

At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.