Tools for a Better Workplace

This is the first edition of our "Better Workplace" E-letter series, a free service to our membership and website visitors that offers both philosophical foundations (principles) and helpful hints (tools and skills) for the continuous pursuit of a meaningful and enjoyable workplace.

Our first feature article is part of our Leadership in Action Series, entitled "False Responsibility and Its Remedies."

For additional topics, ideas, and resources for making your workplace work better, visit our website at http://www.abetterworkplace.com. If you know others who might enjoy receiving this E-letter, tell them about it (free registration at our website).

Leadership in Action Series

False Responsibility and Its Remedies, Part 1

This installment looks at the pattern of "false responsibility" -- when we take charge of things that don't belong to us, such as other people's feelings, mistaken assumptions about who is responsible for shared outcomes, or when circumstances change but we don't.

Most adults have a natural ability to decide what's in and what's out. Our family of origin, fears, unrealistic expectations, and stressors such as pressure or anxiety sometimes cloud our judgment. The goal is to respond in ways that allow us to make high-quality decisions more often, steering clear of the landmines of false responsibility.

Pride of Ownership

In prior articles ("Personal Growth on the Job," www.abetterworkplace.com/066.html), we've suggested that one key to success is to take personal responsibility for the results you get. Even when others are into deflecting ("It's not my fault"), projecting ("You need electro-shock therapy!"), or blaming and shaming ("You didn't explain it right."), you can strengthen your approach while earning respect for your commitment to learning. However, no matter what the other person owns (or doesn't own), there are limits to "healthy responsibility" at work.

1. Under no circumstances are you responsible for other people's feelings or experiences.

Limit #1: Even when you directly contributed to someone else's experience, you are not responsible for their feelings or problems. To accept some responsibility for the situation would require your voluntary consent. I'm not suggesting that you ignore their communication or that you not listen. Indeed, listen carefully and responsibly to their "stuff" -- just don't take it on! Realizing that it's their stuff means you need not defend or argue. This is their experience, and it is a fact for them. Let it wash over you.

If you are having a hard time listening without judging, ask them to "speak from first person" -- as in, "I understand you feel that I let you down; what was your firsthand experience?" If necessary, request that they "Start with 'I ...'."

By not internalizing other people's "stuff" as your own, you maintain healthy interpersonal boundaries and get the truth out on the table ("So, you were disappointed that I didn't come to that meeting, and now you're concerned about your workload ... is that right?"). Hear them out, but don't step over the line into care-taking (popularly known as "codependence"). Openly discuss what can be done. They have total responsibility for what happens in their life, not you.

Limit #2: Caring about an outcome is different than having to control it. Overcaring about a goal doesn't achieve optimal results – it prevents them! For example, if a manager claims to be fully responsible for all the outcomes of their department, what's wrong with this picture? For starters, not all the outcomes are up to that manager. It's joint responsibility for shared outcomes: the staff does their part and the manager does theirs (hopefully). Though based on a good intention (caring), taking false responsibility (overcaring) is a setup - a guarantee of overwork, underplay, stress and eventual burnout for a manager, depriving employees of power and recognition.

Of course, not assuming enough responsibility ("Who, me? I'm not even involved..."), would also be a problem. Aloof and detached "undercaring" triggers those who tend to overcare, both going nowhere in a hurry. Remedy: assume functional and healthy responsibility, which may involve an adjustment in thinking, language and approach.

Limit #3: Pushing to change circumstances beyond our control causes frustration and wastes energy. Being fixated on the way it has to be leads to "overpush" -- the tendency we all have to escalate, retaliate, do battle ... temporarily buying into doing the impossible.

For example, imagine you're driving to an appointment on a tight schedule and suddenly there's a sea of red brake lights in front of you. Do you go into stress or despair ("overpush"), get creative ("Hmmm ... how do I part the red sea?"), or sigh and reschedule? This will be our next topic (e-letter #2).

Research Corner

Do you ever feel like socking one of your co-workers? If you do, you're not alone ...

One employee out of six reports being so angered by a co-worker in the past year that he or she felt like hitting the person -- but didn't, a new poll finds. Workers under age 35 and those in clerical, office and sales jobs were even more likely to feel like slugging somebody, with about 22 percent in each of those groups admitting as much, according to the poll, commissioned by the Marlin Co., a Connecticut publisher of motivation, educational and safety materials for companies. Nearly half of respondents -- 49 percent -- said they generally are at least a little angry at work, compared with 42 percent in 1998.

Let us know what you think at our free online discussion forum.

Daniel Robin consults, coaches, facilitates groups, and leads workshops on leadership, people skills, and organizational performance improvement. See www.abetterworkplace.com for other articles, e-mail us at info@abetterworkplace.com, or call (831) 761-0700.