This second issue is part of our Leadership in Action Series, part two of last month’s “False Responsibility and its Remedies.” The focus here is on preventing “overpush” - the ways in which we all occasionally push our previously held ideas about “how-things-should-be” to the brink of exhaustion (or insanity, whichever comes first). The article outlines a four-step process as a solution.

• Communicating With Others in Difficult Situations -- see “Please Hallucinate the Way I Do”  
• Building Relationships
• Getting Things Done
• Handling Emotions at Work -- "Emotional Intelligence"
• Conflict Resolution and Confrontation
• Dealing with Blame, Anger and Negativity -- see our article called “Does Anger Cause Blindness?”
• Fun and Humor at Work
• Career Development
• Leading Change
• Collaborative Leadership, Avoid Leadership Mistakes - see mistake #1 is about how to turn mistakes into future assets … see “Fail Often to Succeed Sooner”

For additional topics, ideas, and resources for making your workplace work better, visit our website.  If you know others who might enjoy receiving this E-letter, tell them about it (free registration at our website).

We would love to hear from you! Email us at inquiry@abetterworkplace.com with your stories, feedback, suggestions, etc. Enjoy the article!

By Daniel Robin

Leadership power comes from accepting and holding responsibility in a sustainable way. Part 1 discusses what happens when we take responsibility for things that don’t belong to us, such as other people’s feelings. This installment looks at the human response to changed circumstances: temporarily holding onto what doesn’t work, such as forcing the original plan, trying to control the uncontrollable?.

See if you can identify the false responsibility in the following below average day of a human being near you:

Heading toward an appointment on a tight schedule, you encounter a major delay. Sadly, you left your helicopter in your other suit. You fantasize about driving along the shoulder or bashing cars out of your way. After more than a modest amount of head-banging, you call and reschedule.

Back at the office, your computer commits suicide at the worst possible moment; Bill Gates fails to answer your page. You mentally rehearse a scathing e-mail message, plotting to get even. Is it too late to start this day over?

The project meeting drags on and people seem to be un-evolving before your eyes; although selection, mutation and extinction are a part of nature, you’d rather not watch it happen at work. The facilitator isn’t helping matters, so you blurt out “You’re a fool with a flipchart!”

What part constitutes false responsibility (hint: head-banging, chewing out Bill Gates, and calling the facilitator names isn’t likely to help you achieve your purpose in life - although it may provide momentary stress relief).

If I get attached to things being a certain way (other than the way they actually are), what I do next is the result of taking false responsibility, and it produces suffering rather than results.

What does it mean to take healthy leadership responsibility when dealing with unanticipated problems? How do you usually respond when ? a higher-up blocks your plan, a valued team member quits, the network and/or the stock market crashes?

For example, let’s say a trusted co-worker accuses you of incompetence: “You obviously don’t know what you’re doing!” You have three basic options:

1. Freak out (curse their mother, fantasize legal action, throw something at them, etc.)
2. Feel hurt and cry.
3. Let go of the need to change “what is” and calmly get creative.

A key to getting where you want to go when unanticipated problems arise (the air gets let out of your tires, so to speak) is to pinpoint your intention and let go of everything else.

So why do we hold on to what doesn’t work any more - for even an instant?

What keeps people from “letting go” when holding on clearly isn’t going to work? Stress is what happens when the mind overrides our common sense. Pressure and anxiety have a blinding and distorting effect. According to Daniel Goleman in Emotional Intelligence (I’m paraphrasing) certain types of stress activate the “stupid” centers of the brain. When emotionally upset, “people cannot remember, attend, learn, or make decisions clearly.”

Short answer: negative stress clouds judgment, and we need to notice it. The idea is to unlock some of the agitation or anxiety - undo the mental vapor lock.

How you deal with such “hijackings” says a lot about your leadership ability. See if you recognize any of the following telltale signs of taking false responsibility at work:

Agitation or anxiety heightens as you gradually realize you’re wasting your time.

Frustration, perhaps punctuated by despair that leads to moments of self-doubt.

The feeling you get when you know it’s pointless (too late, won’t matter, doomed to fail, etc.), and yet somehow you keep trying.

These are all signs that the following process could come in handy.

1. Call a “time out” -- STOP the action! Shift from external focus (the thing that’s got you upset) to an internal check-in.

Important: Resist the temptation to work on solving the situation until you’ve completed steps 2 & 3. You’ll make better choices after you’ve pinpointed your intention and released some of the angst or frustration.

2. Remember (or invent) your goal. “What was my original goal?” Write it down. Then ask yourself: “Why did that goal matter?” or “Why did I want that?” This gets at the bigger picture intention behind your goal, often tapping into what you really want.

3. Ask yourself to “let go” of what’s not working. Soon the so-called “problem” of the moment will quickly melt into a vast stew of “little stuff” - and yes, it’s all little stuff! Ask yourself “Of what could I begin to let go?” or “Could I release part of my need to change this situation and accept ______?” You know what’s been getting in your way.

4. Assess your options. Now that you’ve separated your intention from the overpush (steps 2 & 3, above), take a calm and careful look at what you’ll do to honor your intention.

At times like this, it may also be useful to seek out a little coaching from someone who listens well and knows how to not give advice.

All three forms of false responsibility - taking on other people’s stuff, overcare, and overpush - are downside risks of caring and ambition. This isn’t to suggest that you pretend not to care or that you lower your aspirations. To the contrary, awareness of this pattern provides a way to care and succeed with far less effort and greater confidence.

Be sure to let us know how you are using these ideas at work.  If you have workplace anecdotes or wise nuggets of insight about a common workplace problem? Jump up on the soap box and let us know! Email us at soapbox@abetterworkplace.com. We would love to hear from you!  __________________________________________________________________

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