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This is the sixth edition of our "Better Workplace" E-letter series, a free service to our membership and website visitors that offers both philosophical foundations (principles) and helpful hints (tools and skills) for the continuous pursuit of a meaningful, productive, and enjoyable workplace.

This feature article, titled "Assertive or Aggressive – Discussing the Undiscussable" is part of our Leadership in Action Series. Leadership that’s born of passion – blending skill and intensity with well-orchestrated flurries of activity – can be inspiring to others as a sign of commitment and strength. But when that leadership is tinged with hostility, becomes passive-aggressive, or relies on heavy-handedness … there’s a price. See how you and your co-workers can establish a shared vocabulary about where the boundary is for each team member – and what to do when someone crosses it.

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Leadership in Action Series

Assertive and Aggressive – Discussing the Undiscussable

Leadership that’s born of passion –blending skill and intensity with well-orchestrated flurries of activity – can be inspiring to others as a sign of commitment and strength. But when that leadership is tinged with hostility, becomes passive-aggressive, or relies on heavy-handedness … there’s a price. What was a positive intention is no longer sustainable – even if it appears to get near-term results. This article is about ways to “get there from here” with far less interpersonal wear and tear.

Have you been around someone whose goal wasn’t merely the organization’s agenda, but it became their own personal mission? Like a fire lit deep inside, they take the “hunt” so seriously they are a force to be reckoned with. Were they easy to work with or did they cross over a line with you?

Politely Aggressive vs. Obnoxiously Assertive

What are the signals of assertiveness versus aggressiveness? The line between “strongly assertive” and “mildly aggressive” is as gray as Bill Clinton’s hair. The difference can be as subtle as the look in someone’s eyes, the rate or rhythm of gestures, their tone of voice or choice of words …. Polite but aggressive is status quo in many organizations.

Individual perceptions, tastes, and workstyles differ sharply (if “raising your voice” was accepted in your family of origin, it probably remains so today), but let’s not dance around this: when someone is being pushy, demanding, forceful and rude … it isn’t hard to tell. The only “grayness” about it is whether that behavior is acceptable to you and those around you.

Extremely pushy people expect those who get stepped on or brushed off to “deal with it.” However, resentment builds slowly, and then they retaliate (“hostile work environment” lawsuits, or they take it underground and complain to others). Overly aggressive leaders are sometimes ignored or laughed at (if they’re lucky); either way, this racks up quite a bill in the aggressor’s credibility and emotional bank account.

There’s often an unfair double-standard for male and female leaders: what in men may be seen as healthy assertiveness, in women may be interpreted as being overly aggressive.

Triggers of Mistrust

Studies have shown that consistency is what’s most important in forming perceptions about a healthy work climate. If someone is usually calm and assertive, but occasionally lashes out or gets edgy, we can probably learn to live with it. If they’re consistently and fiercely pursuing their goals, we can read their signals, and even if we don’t like being around it, we can at least trust where they’re coming from (obsessive-compulsive behavior is highly predictable).

But if someone is quiet and seemingly docile one minute, then some invisible trigger causes them to act like a saber-toothed tiger – and only much later does the pussycat return – then this unpredictable shift between fanged beast and normal human causes the worst kind of fear and mistrust – the kind where you cannot exactly pinpoint the threat. Made worse when the person has positional power, the ambiguity itself, and how it keeps people guessing, causes a cycle of mistrust that soon becomes sealed and undiscussable.

Let’s say, for example, that the boss has yelling fits, and like a well-tuned immune system, tends to yell whenever that subject dares to come up. Thus begins a cloaked pattern of abuse, adding up to an insidious code of silence that usually requires intervention from someone outside the system.

To avoid all this, it is essential that leaders stay well inside the bounds of “healthy assertiveness,” as defined by their peers and subordinates. If they can cross over the line into aggressiveness with awareness (even if the spasms cannot be “controlled” in the moment), they can remain conscious of the line itself, demonstrating a willingness to receive feedback about how it affects people.

II. Speaking Up about Put-downs

Part II of this article series outlines several tools for dealing with patterns of aggressiveness. Assertive leaders are clear about what they want, listen actively, make requests, set clean boundaries, and handle differences through skillful negotiation. Of course, depending on the “personality” involved, it might be best to ask for help or to get out of their way.

In Part I: Healthy Assertiveness: Pushy or Passionate?” we acknowledged the fine line between “strongly assertive” and “mildly aggressive” – indeed, it’s so subjective, people aggressively debate this topic with comments like “I’m not yelling!” or “If you think I’m being rude now, keep pushing me and I’ll show you what rude is!”

To make matters even more challenging, the “sender” and “receiver” often have completely different experiences of the original message. One person might say “I’m finished explaining this,” and the receiver might assume they’re being punished for asking too many questions, when the sender was actually trying to say “I’m hoping you can take it from here … I’m out of time.”

Hallucinations, distortions and generalizations can lead to escalation of minor problems into emotional outbursts and twisted metal; ironically, such aggressiveness both causes and results in further distortions, when the triggering event could have been easily nipped in the bud. The pattern creates a predictable loop that is also difficult to interrupt once it gets rolling. This is a common occurrence because a leader is far more likely to “mislead” when there’s stress, tension, or pressure; which, at most companies, is most of the time.

One answer to unscrambling this miscommunication is to assign a number that represents the perceived degree of aggressiveness: 1 = very mildly aggressive (light gray, abrasive, more like assertiveness with attitude), while 11 = extremely aggressive (dark-gray, abusive – perhaps when someone loses it completely and gets physical or makes threats). The scale is arranged in order of increasing impact. For example, yelling and shouting typically have a more serious impact than simply being abrupt or dismissive.

11	Physical threats
10	Angry outbursts or loss of control
9	Yelling and shouting
8	Threats about the job
7	An aggressive, controlling manner
6	Blaming, discrediting or discounting
5	Insults and put-downs
4	Snubbing or ignoring people
3	Brevity or abruptness
2	Glaring eye contact: “the look”
1	Silence

The purpose here is to decide in advance what’s acceptable in yourself and others. Discuss it with your peers. Take a poll. See if you can find a guidepost to set standards. For example, “In this department, we will call a ‘time out’ when anyone goes above a 5.”

Note that by itself, this scale does not decrease the impact of aggressiveness, but it does make the impact significantly more discussable. A bit part of the problem is that aggressiveness can be so unpleasant or scary to others that open dialogue become rare if not impossible. The use of this scale implies an agreement about what can be openly discussed. Rational conversations are more likely when a person is relatively calm and treated in a factual, non-judgmental way.

With an agreement to use this scale instead of harsher methods (disciplinary action, lawsuits, involuntary coaching, etc.), you might ask them “Where were you on the gray scale at the end of yesterday’s meeting?,” and you can compare perceptions.

I guarantee that the “hijacked” person will initially rate their behavior differently than those on the receiving end. With time, and as awareness increases, the person will be able to anticipate that they are about to step over a line. Not entirely unlike an alcoholic, who must first admit that there’s a problem (even if that “problem” is with other people’s perception of their aggressive behavior), people who frequently fly into a rage must learn not to swim in De Nile.

Let us know what you think online at our free discussion forum.

Daniel Robin consults, coaches, facilitates groups, and leads workshops on leadership, people skills, and organizational performance improvement. See www.abetterworkplace.com for other articles, e-mail us at info@abetterworkplace.com, or call (831) 761-0700.

Leadership in Action Series

Assertive and Aggressive – Discussing the Undiscussable

Politely Aggressive vs. Obnoxiously Assertive

Triggers of Mistrust

II. Speaking Up about Put-downs