Tools for a Better Workplace E

This article series outlines a process for dealing with hostile or aggressive impulses in yourself and others while staying true to the good intentions they rode in on. See the prior E-letter articles on this topic at www.abetterworkplace.com/leadership.html and all prior E-letters at www.abetterworkplace.com/eletters.html.

Some leaders get heavy-handed as a poor substitute for skillful assertiveness. Unaware of the consequences of their actions (yes, there are consequences), they barrel through projects as if it were a public bullfight where everybody else gets to be the bull. Result: angry and resentful, well, bulls – that is, people who are usually quite cooperative, now reduced to looking for a time when the thick-skinned “toreador” looks away, stumbles, forgets to cover their blind side (we all have one, and it isn’t necessarily our backside), or some other way to even the score.

Other leaders, when caught up in the “passion of the moment,” may know exactly how to assert what they want, but unwittingly let frustrations build up inside until what eventually does come across is rude, abrupt and borderline abusive.

Often the first scenario (not knowing how to skillfully address an issue) feeds into the second (frustrations that turn into aggressive or passive-aggressive behavior), and we end up with clumsy, emotional or abrasive outbursts. When leadership turns overly aggressive, using abrupt or hostile directives to get what’s wanted (or passively expecting others to mindread), the risks and downsides outweigh any potential rewards. It just isn’t worth it.

Here are four steps to dealing more skillfully with anger impulses. If it’s “habit anger” that’s running your show (that is, you’re angry most of the time), this process may still help, but also consider seeking outside, professional assistance. You can find several additional resources at www.abetterworkplace.com/anger.html.

Step 1. Notice your most prevalent approach to anger and aggression, and do the opposite.

If your habit has been to express anger in the moment, try suppressing it for a while. And if your habit is to suppress it, practice expressing it. If you’re not sure about your dominant style, see our website for a quick self-assessment at www.abetterworkplace.com/anger_eval.html.

For example, if you tend to not speak up (actively pushing aside or swallowing anger), then practice speaking plainly and directly in the moment. The next article will round out the toolset for dealing with sticky situations, such as the need to confront long-standing issues.

If you tend to “go off” immediately, realizing that adrenaline and a life-or-death sense of urgency fuel and perpetuate the “causal chain,” it may take a lot of will power (and courage) to allow yourself to interrupt the action. Calm yourself. Take a deep breath. Practice putting aside the impulse to act (a reaction). Notice it, and put it aside. Perhaps count to 10, then count again, more slowly – anything to slow down anger’s hormonal urge and chemical surge.

Step 2. Use the power of anger to heat your house. No. Just kidding. Just Notice It.

Once you’ve become familiar with using the opposite style, the next step is simply to notice the anger itself so you can, on occasion, choose to do NOTHING with it at all.

Neither express nor suppress. This is akin to simply being aware that there’s anger present and choosing to take no action whatsoever.

The key here, of course, is not to be overly identified (not to mistake or confuse who you are) with your feelings. You are not that. Feelings come and go like the tides. Think about something important, like a core value, and breathing … notice how quickly perspective returns.

And what does it feel like to find a moment of peace within all the storming and performing … a place, a moment, to be who you are, without needing to “do” anything?

By noticing the source of anger, you can powerfully assert what you want changed, rather than be aggressive about what has to change, giving away power.

Anger can mask pain or hurt, sadness, or fear … if there is something you want to avoid that the anger is trying to tell you, you’re likely to produce more of it! Filters are great for making our experiences more manageable in the moment. When you penetrate anger, it often delivers something of far greater value than acting on the original impulse. See if you can identify any surprising origins. What boundary or core issue are you protecting through anger’s intense mask?

Note that analyzing strong feelings (and the chemical pathways that allow you to have them) can be disorienting, even confusing. Your gut is telling you something, so your self-talk needs to be about finding that cause, and nothing else. Do not try to talk yourself in to or out of the feeling; don’t accept secondary feelings of guilt, shame, or remorse, resentment or indignance; if you must take any action, go to the center of the original feeling and tell yourself the truth about it.

Step 4. Decide How To Use It

Perhaps the question is either how to be “civilized” (cooperative) without being a pushover, or how to be clear and direct (perhaps even blunt) without causing damage. When you’re angry or agitated, is it even possible to be at once compassionate and powerful, considerate of others and courageous at the same time? Decide what you’ll do to handle aggressive urges going forward.

Anger has a bad reputation, is often seen as a curse … something to get rid of. Suppressed anger can literally make you sick. Anger expressed irresponsibly or directed at a person unable to stand their ground can be devastating. So how do we turn this “curse” into leadership ability? By noticing its source and using that awareness to be assertive and cooperative, we get things done within a much healthier and happier workplace.

“If you aren’t going to finish the project, just tell me so I can someone who will!” The edge in Tony’s voice has a chilling effect on the room. Paula indicates that the project is coming along just fine – under the circumstances – and gives Tony a look that suggests that a staff meeting is not the place to air such frustrations.

After a brief but thick silence, Tony blurts out: “Look. I don’t care what it takes, but I want this project complete within two weeks. Am I making myself unmistakably clear?”

Noticing that Tony’s frustration has shut down his reason-ability (he’s not listening), she decides to take this one offline. “Yes, Tony. I understand your goal,” Paula responds evenly. “But, could we please talk about this privately after lunch?”

Tony rolls his eyes, and abruptly slaps shut his Day-Timer. Paula lets out an audible sigh of relief as Tony hurdles himself toward the exit, sheets of paper flying in his wake.

“Well, wasn’t that refreshing?” Or was it just dysfunctional? Probably depends on whether Tony was having a bad “I don’t care” day, or whether it reflects a long-standing pattern. Let’s explore what Paula did and why.

Patterns of overly aggressive leadership must be handled expediently or employers could face legal liability (due to a “hostile work environment”). We’ll touch on way of ensuring that patterns of overly aggressive or abrasive leadership in others are met with a combination of compassion, skill and extremely clear boundaries. Interpersonally, a key is knowing when to stand your ground, push back, buy time, or walk away.

1. Buy time. It may be appropriate to politely call a “time out” and ask if the so-called meeting (which may feel more like an impending train wreck) could continue at another time. This “strategic avoidance” protected Paula from escalating into a fight, or from being stepping on needlessly (accommodating). It also protects both parties from saying something they’d likely regret. It may help to suggest specific times (“Tuesday at 1 or 4?”) for returning to the conversation.

2. Stand Your Ground. If you want to establish a professional tone, you might want to acknowledge that you understand the importance of the other person’s view, highlight any areas of agreement, and then point out where you don’t happen to agree. By politely and diplomatically dealing with “what is,” the other party is less likely to resist, more likely to calm down. Otherwise, you might just say “I’m not willing to fight with you about that,” and walk away.

3. Push back. When does it make sense to push back? When the issue is more important than the relationship. Or, when the situation just does not sit well with you, even after thinking it over. If the other person is openly angry or emotional, wait; there will be a time to make your point. Don’t waste your energy attempting to push back when the other party only wants to escalate.

4. Accommodate. One of the most common responses to a leader who is taking a “no holds barred” approach is to simply go with the flow. A wise choice if you can find the non-defensive, generous strength to do so. If it’s a pattern, however, keep track, writing down the facts of what happened, including what stopped you from using one of the above approaches.

Overall, success comes from noticing other people’s mood and emotions without becoming identified, confused, or hooked by it. Just let in their experience (even if you disagree with the implications), acknowledge it as fact for them, and then think about something more important, like breathing.

Daniel Robin is business consultant, coach and facilitator specializing in sustainable economic development and workplace tools for collaborative leadership (but please don’t hold that against him). Visit us online at abetterworkplace.com, e-mail dnr@abetterworkplace.com, call toll-free in the USA 800-962-4733 or (831) 761-0700 worldwide.

Let us know online at our free discussion forum.

Daniel Robin consults, coaches, facilitates groups, and leads workshops on leadership, people skills, and organizational performance improvement. See www.abetterworkplace.com for other articles, e-mail us at info@abetterworkplace.com, or call (831) 761-0700.

Leadership in Action Series

Remaining Calm: How to Deal with Anger and Hostility in Self and Others