Category Archives: Fear

Does Anger Cause Blindness?

By Daniel Robin

“God grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change what I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people that piss me off.” – Anon.

Note:  If you relate to the above quote, but don’t think it’s funny, please go here immediately.

The previous article discussed that what matters most in communication is what we get across to the other person. If we take full responsibility for the results we get, it puts us more in a position of power and more “at choice” when things don’t go the way we planned. This article will focus on non-adversarial ways of handling anger and discuss how to stay clear of anger’s “hook.”

How do you respond when someone is genuinely angry? What does your response depend on? Do you automatically get triggered into thinking their anger is about you, that you’re “wrong” and they’re out to “win” at your expense? Most people respond by either matching anger with anger and defensiveness of their own, by pushing it away, avoiding it, or by letting it fester inside. Instead of taking on guilt for suppressing it or allowing it to consume us and take command of our behavior, a healthier choice is to facilitate its discharge. This usually involves addressing the issue that underlies the anger in a non-blaming way.

Fix Problems, Not Blame

We have the power to take charge of anger’s energy and make it serve a constructive purpose. How often do we give away that power with statements like “They made me angry, so it’s their fault I attacked them!” or “Well, they got angry at me so I told them where to go!” Forms of anger range from low-grade frustration or exasperation to wrath or rage. Anger indicates that something is off, and there’s a good reason why it came up — even if that reason doesn’t make sense.

Sometime people just need to vent, to express how awful it is, and that often leads to feeling better. Other times, venting does little more than clear out what was in the way of solving a problem. It might be best to discharge that surface layer of feeling separately, before bringing your “I” message to the person or group that contributed to your angry feelings. Otherwise, you might end up attacking them (or they might end up feeling attacked). See if you can identify the behavior that angers you, find out what it’s about for both of you, and make a request or offer to help change the situation for the future. The goal is to let the anger teach you something.

Use the scenario of driving with another person who isn’t doing very well. The question “Why did you make that wrong turn?” is hardly going to assist the driver in getting back on track. A better question is “What can I do to help us get back on track?” but certainly not “How many times have I told you that the sidewalk is no place for a car?”

Going Deep by Going Wide

For most people, anger is not the core issue; it is a symptom of some degree of fear, loss of control, injustice, or significant hurt. The positive purpose of anger is to defend a boundary or provide enough energy to assert a right. The interesting thing about anger is that it is blind.

Physiologically, we tend to narrow our focus, our peripheral vision temporarily decreases, and we see only what or who has angered us. So, if you’re the one who is “hooked” … notice your body, take a moment, STOP, breathe, step back, and watch how your peripheral vision starts to return as you begin to consider the deeper, underlying issue. Then, most importantly, find a healthy way to express it. By itself, anger just provides extra energy and motivation to accomplish something. It can be channeled or expressed in ways that help create what you want, or it can be a destructive force. By observing and accepting how you now ride anger waves, you get to systematically regain choice, shifting from being reactive for unknown reasons to responding as you choose. Consumer protection warning: do not attempt to be clear and calm when you’re actually angry. Find a way to vent first (but take no prisoners), then review the situation from a safe distance. Debrief with yourself or a friend by asking yourself “What happened right before I got angry …?”

Over time, you’ll find that you still get angry, but that you get un-angry much more quickly. What may have caused you to fume for days will become an intense moment or two, and you regain your center without missing a beat.

If you’re on the receiving end of someone else’s anger, do your best to hear and acknowledge that they are upset about something (don’t judge it as “inappropriate” or “way overboard” — that will only get you more of the same); then, rather than acting defensively, practice focusing on what is within the anger that both parties can do something about to resolve the apparent difficulty. This usually involves focusing on the future, not the past (since the past is, as they say, history).

Understand that your expression of anger is simultaneously a therapeutic release of feelings and a way of communicating how the situation affects or affected you. The key is to find a way to express authentically without escalating, blaming, shaming, or attacking.

Does Anger Make You My Adversary?

Just the question gets me all worked up! Anger itself is just an intense emotional state. It does not mean that we disagree, that someone is at fault, or that we’re adversaries. Wouldn’t it be useful to find out where we both stand, rather than being lost in interpretation? The martial art of Aikido teaches that moving with someone’s force is far more powerful and effective than to take out the big guns by presumption. The law of non-resistance and energy conservation is quite useful here. Bend. Move with the force to fully understand it. See it from their point of view. It might just get ‘handled’ through your willingness to deeply listen.

Most people are aware of what’s at the root of their anger. Just ask them. “What’s at the source of your anger? Was it something I did or didn’t do? What can we do about it for the future?” Broadening your shared view to expand their peripheral vision helps alleviate the blindness of intense emotions.

Next article provides productive ways to give feedback when you are angry to make sure you get your message across.

Trust: Part 2

Where Does Trust Come From?

By Daniel Robin

Trust, like respect, is earned. Think of it as an investment. You observe a person’s behavior over time, and gradually decide whether or not to invest your trust in them. Though everyone initially deserves a base “line of credit,” it would be unwise to rely on “just anybody” in high-risk situations.

You wouldn’t ask someone with no computer skills to create a spreadsheet of the company’s financial status (bite-sized projects and lots of quality mistakes come first). Likewise, it would be unfortunate to not trust someone who deserves it. If I’m risk-aversive, I might not see how competent and trustworthy you are. If I’m unable to let go, I’ll never know. Not taking risks can be just as risky.

We’ve previously defined trust as being able to predict the other person’s behavior. Consistency and reliability can be observed and measured; the idea of “trust” cannot — it’s subjective. Learn how people operate — where are they most predictable, where are they consistently able to get the desired result? — to form a risk-neutral basis for collaboration.

But people, like the weather, aren’t always predictable. And risks will remain — risks of misunderstanding, changed circumstances, and unforeseen events. We must balance focus on the task with building a valued relationship, courage in moving toward our goals with the consideration to involve and include others, healthy skepticism and downside planning with well-founded trust. Somewhere between total confidence and deep suspicion and fear.

Play to their Strengths

If you want a practical basis for leading your relationships toward greater trust and collaboration, form agreements that bring out people’s unique combination of strengths. Having clear goals isn’t enough; you want buy-in and commitment up front to serve as the structure for accountability, feedback, and continuous improvement.

As you pinpoint and play to strengths, weaknesses become irrelevant. If a perceived weakness (or what I prefer to call a “strength in training”) has you questioning their trustworthiness, set up an agreement that directly handles your concern. If the person grumbles at your apparent lack of trust, ask “How can we work this out so that … [you get credit for successful project completion … and I get to relax knowing you’ve handled it well]?” Agreements serve as a safety net for playing the medium- to high-risk game of business, and with contingency planning, can serve both parties in case things go wrong.

Though it may bring up genuine concerns to give a new priority project to someone who is undermotivated or as yet “unproven,” that might be exactly the reason to do so. The practice of stewardship delegation establishes clear guidelines, and through a negotiated agreement, sets people up for success. This prevents micro-managing and empowers people with authority, not just responsibility.

Feel the Fear and Lasso It Anyway?

Concerns are low-grade fears. Fear exists for a reason; it intends to protect from harm. A sign that you are still sane, fear represents something you don’t want — a negative consequence that’s worth avoiding or preventing. Sometimes a fear needs to be surfaced and addressed — unearth the consequence you want to avoid, assess the actual risk vs. potential reward, and do something to mitigate that risk. At other times, it’s best to just acknowledge a concern and let it be — such as, when there’s anxiety, confusion, vague uncertainty or doubt, but not much chance that things will go really wrong. You can ask yourself “What’s the worst thing that could happen?” and then formulate a plan to safely avoid that consequence.

Fear is a motivational strategy, and recognizing that it is present increases its usefulness. Note, however, that there’s a big difference between carefully avoiding an outcome you don’t want (like death, embarrassment, or being audited by the IRS — all worthy of taking preventative measures) and simply being afraid. It’s not much fun to be “in” (enveloped by) fear, so notice it and perhaps say to yourself “fear is present,” so you can lasso it.

When it comes to building relationships based on trust, a certain amount of discomfort or “edge” is probably a good sign. Stretching away from your comfort zone is the antidote to complacency. In the end, getting past your fear is less frightening than passively enduring it. As Will Rogers said, “Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.”

By the way, an anti-fear trick learned from the animal kingdom: breathe deeply….

Tips for Becoming More Reliable

If you want others to consider you trustworthy, focus on your own reliability. This is the topic for the next article. Really. I promise.

Fear: Part 3

Three Faces of Fear in the Workplace

By Daniel Robin

The previous article brought workplace fear into the spotlight – not so we could keep a watchful eye on it while getting paranoid, ambulance but so we can begin to turn it into mutual gain. How? Understand it’s many faces: this article pinpoints the types of fear that zap productivity and cause needless suffering, sale providing tools to move forward despite it.

We all bring our personal history to our workplace relationships. Many of us learned “fear tactics” from our parents, cheap who, with good intentions and limited options, used threats to get us to obey their authority. Unfortunately, when such authority is imposed upon us, it not only destroys morale and keeps organizations from moving forward, but left unaddressed, leads to office politics, turf wars, entrenched negativity, and eventually a fight-or-flight response that doesn’t work for anybody.

In many workplaces, an unfortunate pattern starts when employees are afraid to ask questions or take a position. These faces will help you get familiar with the complex and often intangible sources of fear, and thereby invite new options for getting free of it.

Are there different “types” of fear? Is there a form of fear that could be helpful? Have you ever considered whether there’s anything good about fear?

What’s Good About Fear?

Would it surprise you to know that many executives quietly believe that fear is “good” – or inadvertently cause fear in others in an attempt to motivate? Is fear an effective motivational tool? Though it may yield short-term gains, it always has a downside, is manipulative and disruptive, and often backfires. Most short-term practices produce negative results in the long run, as shown in the AQF study; externally imposed fear is simply destructive … it either inhibits or causes overreaction such as knee-jerk resistance.

Instead of extrinsic motivation, demonstrate leadership by tapping into the vast ocean of intrinsic motivaters; people are already motivated, and wise leaders need only harness what already exists. People are far more likely to go the extra mile when they see a demonstrated concern for employee well-being – not the often-heard “You’d better … or else … and that’s final.”

On the other hand, fear that comes from within you – such as a concern that you might not meet a deadline you voluntarily agreed to – produces discomfort or anxiety and if it doesn’t cause overwhelm, will inspire action. Manageable fear acts as the fuel for improvement. It propels us forward and helps us move through stuck points or shy away from hazards. A permanent “comfort zone,” where neither fear nor excitement is experienced, is not conducive to personal growth or peak performance. No crisis or challenge, no risk-taking, no results, no rewards…

When fear is self-imposed – that is, when you or I sign up for it – then it is more often a natural part of learning. But if I’m concerned about being judged or penalized or fired … I’m not going to learn, and I might not even hang around, let alone perform well.

So if we can fully commit to building a workplace culture where externally-imposed fear is headed for extinction, we’ll all win.

Anything causing you angst at work? How about the people around you? Unless you work entirely on your own, chances are good that one or more fear-based patterns exist that, if addressed skillfully, could make your work much more enjoyable and improve results company-wide.

Fear’s cause can be recognized in one of three faces or masks. : (1) a judging face, (2) an unknown face (a faceless mask that causes uncertainty), and (3) a face that we can see, but don’t dare talk about. The purpose: recognize each face so it can be turned to your advantage.

(1) The Face of Judgment

A judging, critical face, sometimes angry, out to make us wrong, confronts us by getting right in our face. This face speaks and points an accusational, parental finger.

The FUD factor (Fear, Uncertainty & Doubt) kicks in big time when we are judged harshly, as it brings up defensiveness, making it difficult to learn or focus on solving problems.

What can you do in response? Remain centered and responsive to the message or “feedback” this face has to deliver – that’s all you need be responsible for. Get the information, acknowledge and understand intentions, and the transaction stops there. If it’s not too much of a stretch, practice thanking the person (not the FUD face, but the person “behind the curtain”) for being willing to come to you directly, because not coming to you would be worse.

(2) The Unknown Face of Uncertainty

An unknown foe, the “faceless” mask, is perhaps the most common and disturbing for many of us at work. Why? In today’s workplace, where an employee’s destiny gets interwoven with the company’s, unless there’s evidence to the contrary, many people will tend to hallucinate the worst. We constantly look for evidence that we are valued contributors. That our efforts matter. That we’ll be given a fair shake. These are the keys to job satisfaction, quality, and productivity.

According to a recent study of 580 companies by the American Quality Foundation (AQF), the uncertainty and doubt caused by ambiguous behavior, inconsistency, vague requests, or absent authority is most likely to cause a cycle of fear and mistrust. It’s often so subtle as to be invisible, and insidious because of it.

Is there a way out? There is if you set healthy boundaries (next month’s topic) and avoid mistaking interpretations for facts.

Why Are We Doing This?

Thus, employer’s would benefit from providing a safe environment, full of timely two-way feedback, positive recognition, and clear agreements; free from ambiguity, vagueness, shadows of doubt … and yet, there’s a natural and unfortunate tendency to only explain or express what seems to be easily expressible. What can you do about it? Make it easy to say what needs to be said. Prevent misunderstandings by asking questions that clarify intentions.

(3) The Face of Undiscussability. You probably know it well, and you are sharply aware of its impact. It starts with the cold shoulder from some negative assumption, or the sense that your feelings are “unacceptable” or that you don’t dare speak up about an important issue. Alas, the fear itself perpetuates a loop of undiscussability, and it remains taboo until you feel sufficient support to name the “elephant in the livingroom.”

The way out, in the case, is through it: openly discuss the barriers to discussion, and brainstorm ideas to help overcome them.

Why Fear Zaps Productivity

Somehow, given that some degree of fear is natural, no matter what it’s cause (known or imagined), we must somehow remain present despite the “old brain” impulse to run and/or hide. When fear is present, it’s all too easy to lose track of our overarching purpose at work and get caught in a power struggle (or in looking for an escape hatch).

Fear has the unfortunate side effect of keeping our attention on avoiding or moving away from the thing that’s causing the fear, not on our work. Garden-variety fears – concerns, objections, discomforts – will take up little time or energy if we handle them in the moment. How? Acknowledge what you don’t want. If there’s any real danger of this happening, decide if action is necessary, assess your options, and deal with it.

Fear: Part 2

Fear is Nothing to be Afraid Of …

By Daniel Robin

Susan shifts uncomfortably in her chair and begins speaking in a measured tone:

“I’m probably going to regret saying this, ampoule but … [gulp] … David, search I do not feel your support, I only get your critical edge, and I’m tired of living in fear that everything we do can and will be used against us. There, I’ve said it … go ahead and fire me if you have to!”

“Susan, I have no intention of firing you,” reassures David, as Susan’s breathing slowly resumes, “and I do wish you would have come to me earlier so we could have cleared this up. What stopped you from speaking up until now?”

Whether there is an unspoken, unidentifiable shroud of fear enveloping the entire organization, a few blatantly “scary people” in positions of power, or simply the personal angst of dealing with constant change, some degree of fear is natural and inevitable. And yet, persistent, pervasive or undiscussable fear must be surfaced and addressed.

Even if you’re not the sort of person who gets anxious or afraid, you can be certain that someone you work with (or live with) could make your life difficult because they are.

There’s so much more to having a safe work environment than standing up to bullies or being outspoken in meetings. Read Dilbert if you don’t believe me. Therefore, this column will get real issues and answers to workplace fear out on the table, developing a series of “safety nets,” available to mitigate risks, ease tension and anxiety, to help you work more effectively with others when they are “on the edge.” The purpose: to make fear your greatest ally and teacher.

What is Fear Anyway?

Let’s define “fear” to include mild concerns to moderate worry or anxiety all the way up to feeling full-scale terror. All emotions are, in essence, impulses to act. However, fear is designed to protect us from harm, to automatically move us away from the perceived danger – to run or hide in a cave until it’s safe.

Sometimes fear’s opposite, the aggressive “fight” impulse of anger and resentment, will propels us toward something … intending to eliminate the object or cause of the disturbance.

Thankfully, we’ve all learned some degree of emotional self-restraint (some people more than others, apparently), otherwise we’d be in an edgy adrenaline rush most of the day, trying to either kill or avoid being killed.

Hmmm. Sound familiar? You may not recognize this state as fear. The human body doesn’t know the difference physiologically between fear and excitement – they’re both elevated states – but excitement is definitely more fun.

Where Does Fear Come From?

Workplace fear probably comes from the assumption that someone or something is “going to get you,” that there is danger afoot – whether real or imagined.

Given that we’d prefer to have a vote in deciding our future, the workplace can bring up a litany of concerns – many of which are outside of our direct control. When small concerns remain unexpressed they snowball and multiply. Fear has no natural enemy (except itself); and so if its energy can be moved, somehow, it has the potential to produce needed change.

Concerns about consequences, loss, or unfair criticism all have a common face, and once recognized, can be turned to your advantage. Next article looks into what, if anything, is good about fear, and describe it’s causes in terms of three recognizable masks – judgement, ambiguity, and undiscussability. In the meantime, go out and do a bungee jump, skydive, or firewalk – and then tell us all about it.

Fear: Part 1

Is Fear Useful, or Just. . . Scary?

By Daniel Robin

How do you now deal with fear at work?  This article pinpoints the types of fear that cause needless suffering, and advocates workplaces that consistently maintain an “absence of threat.”

For better or for worse, we all bring our personal history to our workplace relationships.  Many of us learned “fear tactics” from our parents, who, with good intentions and limited options, used threats to get us to obey their authority.  This just doesn’t work.  When such authority is imposed at work, it not only destroys morale, but left unaddressed, breeds office politics, CYA, turf wars, entrenched negativity. . . reinforcing a cycle of mistrust.

In many workplaces, this unfortunate pattern begins when employees are afraid to ask questions or shy away from asserting their truth.  Pride and trust are undermined, and relationships turn sour.  So what are we dealing with here?  Are there different “types” of fear: some you can count on (like feelings of apprehension during a performance review) while others are indicative of a broken process (“I can’t speak up; they’ll fire me!”)?

Is There Anything Good About Fear?

Surprisingly, many executives quietly (perhaps unconsciously) assume that fear is “good” — or inadvertently cause fear in others in an attempt to motivate.  Think about it.  If you wanted something done and encountered resistance, certainly one way to “inspire” action is to highlight the consequence of not doing it, making that more distasteful than the resistance.  And will that work?

Make no mistake: externally imposed fear is not an effective motivational tool.  Though it may yield short-term gains, it usually backfires.  This practice, part of the legacy of traditional hierarchies, prevents people from doing their best.  A study of 580 companies by the American Quality Foundation found that imposed fear is simply destructive. . .it either inhibits or causes overreaction such as knee-jerk resistance.  Speak up about it and interrupt the cycle.

Whose Motives are These?

Instead of extrinsic motivation, when you have a goal that involves other people, demonstrate leadership by tapping into the vast ocean of intrinsic motivaters.  Guess what?  People are already motivated, and wise leaders need only harness that already exists.  If you get resistance, tap into and understand that, too.  People are far more likely to go the extra mile when they see a genuine concern for employee well-being — not the often heard “You’d better. . . or else. . . and that’s final.”

On the other hand, fear that comes from within you — such as a concern that you might not meet a deadline you voluntarily agreed to — produces discomfort or anxiety and if it doesn’t cause overwhelm, will inspire action.

Manageable, self-imposed fear acts as the fuel for change or improvement.  It propels us forward and helps us move through stuck points or avoid hazards.  It is a natural part of learning.  But if I’m concerned about being judged or penalized or fired. . . I’m not going to learn, and I might not even hang around, let alone perform well.

So if we can fully commit to building a workplace culture where externally-imposed fear is headed for extinction, we’ll all win.

What Can Be Done To Handle Fear?

First: Acknowledge what you don’t want.  Second: Decide if there’s anything you need to do to prevent that downside.  Third: If so, formulate a plan to handle it; if not, find a way to live with (come to terms with) the downside — even if it never comes to pass, at least you’d know you could handle it if necessary.

Let your response to fear teach you what it’s like to be fully present.  Help the leaders understand the impact of their behavior.  By the way, do remember to breathe!

Organizational Pathways: Part 3

Strategies for Leading Change

By Daniel Robin

This is the third installation in a three-part series on dealing with workplace change. So far we’ve explored personal strategies (Link to Part 1) and interpersonal strategies (link to Part 2) to help make transitions less stressful and more humane; this article dives into how organizations can use the change process to effectively manage and build a healthier, happier, more productive workplace.

By the way, the principles and techniques outlined here apply to organizations of any size, even if you are the organization, or if you’re at the affect of change (otherwise known as an employee).

Two Faces of Change

In Chinese, the symbol for change is made from two characters, one meaning “danger” the other, “opportunity.” The danger is clear — change can mean trouble. What’s the opportunity? Like dealing with conflict, change can be experienced as positive and constructive, or as painful, disorienting and draining. So, I hear you asking, what makes the difference?

In my work with organizations, I’ve noticed four principles that “make the difference” for affecting lasting change. These principles work together to prevent trouble and seize opportunity.

1. Acknowledge and Explain Why the Change is Taking Place.

Initially write down the purpose, intention, and “why now” for yourself, then prepare to explain the purpose in terms people can understand. Management’s reasons for making a change don’t necessarily map to what’s in it for them.

People need reasons — even lousy, honest reasons are better than not communicating. Left open-ended, we all tend to fill in the blanks from our own (unfortunately negative) experiences. Brain research has shown that an almond-shaped region of the brain known as the amygdala activates or “hijacks” our emotions in ways even we cannot explain. People might “hallucinate” that the organization has big plans that don’t include them, and will then automatically begin asking themself “Is this something I hate? That can hurt me? Something I fear?” If there’s no evidence to the contrary, the tripwire sends a crisis signal, and look out! Provide a clear, believable demonstration of why change is necessary, and people will listen to reason, not the voice in their head.

Negative experiences get our attention, serving both times of danger and, with hindsight, opportunity. When there is no positive payoff for the people affected (such as a layoff), acknowledge intentions, feelings, and likely reactions, and let it be. Do not take or accept false responsibility.

2. Under-promise, Over-deliver.

When initiating change, explain its purpose, and set expectations that can be systematically exceeded, then do the work and don’t say much else. It would be better to lay back on promises or claims and have everyone be pleasantly surprised later. It’s much easier to raise expectations based on evidence than to live with disappointment and cynicism from falling short. Let the program’s results speak volumes; the best type of internal P.R. is a celebration of what proved to work.

3. Create a Suitable Forum for Dialogue.

By encouraging questions, accepting feedback, and listening to other’s concerns, you and others can make necessary adjustments while reducing the FUD-factor (fear, uncertainty and doubt) of those affected. Sort out apparent conflicts or contradictions. To prevent one-sided complaining or insidious rah-rah cheerleading, facilitate contrasting pairs, pros and cons: (a) strengths and weaknesses, (b) what’s working and what isn’t, (c) their likes and dislikes, (d) advantages and drawbacks, or (e) opportunities and threats.

Rephrase confrontive feedback as a question. “Could it be that … the low morale is a temporary cost of this reorganization?” Don’t look for instant, easy answers. Sometimes there aren’t any. Get or make a commitment to carefully investigate anything that seems important to them and report back as quickly as you can.

4. Implement Changes One Step at a Time.

If the shift will take months or years to complete, introduce the changes gradually, systematically, in phases, and ask for feedback along the way. This goes back to principle #2: Don’t promise what cannot be delivered. Run a “pilot” or a series of experiments focused on learning, so adjustments can be made in the overall initiative. Avoid “ready, fire, aim!”

By making room for resistance and skepticism, deliberately preserving the value of the “old way” within the new, a systematic shift can inspire people and slingshot the organization. By acknowledging the negative while looking for positive intentions, change agents model how to pay attention to danger signals while building context and consensus, so others can find their unique path through the transition period.