Category Archives: Healthy Boundaries

Trusted lies and the meaning of money

Recent reporting in the US indicates that we have accepted, as a culture, a “new normal” of half-truths and blatant disregard for facts. Seriously? Yes, unfortunately, this is no lie. I wish I were kidding. Apparently, some will consider this is a virtue, a victory over the rule of law, reason, and unadulterated honest dealings. It isn’t.

Repeated lying, especially the “rinse, wash and reTweet” kind, eventually has its comeuppance. Drawing back the curtain of truth to reveal a squishy, truthy, ambiguous and slightly “magical” land, a universe where you can tell anyone that facts are for people too weak to imagine being a stronger, more confident leader? This has gone too far. The “Emperor’s New Clothes” may fit to a tee, but that’s still the ugliest suit I have ever seen!

But how do you reckon with “charming” liars who tell you what you want to hear, even (especially) if it doesn’t happen to be true? Humans are believed to have a predisposition to “situational” lying. The situation did it to me, make me do it, thus I cannot be held accountable. Who makes up this stuff? Apparently, some of us do, on a regular basis.

Being one’s word has to be more than how we feel in the moment. Sure, we all have occasional lapses, but true strength comes from having the integrity to clean up a misdirection before it turns into a mess.

Speaking of messes, there is tremendous social pressure to “believe” what others tell you, if you wish to be accepted. The need to belong or “affiliate” sometimes overrides the more rational and ethical part of the brain. It is a powerful opiate. This may be explain why there are those who buy into wild conspiracy theories that the rest of us know are not true, or at least such shared beliefs are so implausible (take QAnon for example) that there’s little reason to even check sources. Or how about whether or not Coronavirus was invented in a lab? I guess you’d have to ask the lab managers.

We say an idea is a conspiracy theory when we want to completely discount it and to discredit its speaker. People on both sides of the current US political polarization fall prey to a long list of bat-shit-crazy views, mostly a form of “group think” that is reckless, dangerous and often just sad.

Do we need to start a massive re-education program on critical thinking, the rule of law, and how science and other evidence-based practices can help quell the disinformation channel? Unfortunately, no such luck. It wouldn’t help because there are unexpected benefits of buying into conspiracy theories that seem to outweigh the risk of reputation loss or to being seen as mentally disturbed. Those who entertain and ultimately buy into such theories are now part of our culture, too, pushing rights to free speech to a place that has only recently begun self-correcting.

Further, the tone of discourse on this topic tends to be highly combative, no doubt out of righteous anger and frustration with those who follow those pesky little things called facts, or those (some would say) that think for themselves, not as the media wants them to think. That seems to include both those who lack imagination — and need to assume things are not as they appear — as well as those who apparently have too much of it.

“Coming together is a beginning.
Keeping together is progress.
Working together [skillfully] is success.”
– Henry Ford

For my part, I can no longer gaze upon this world gone mad, where science is just an “alternative” set of facts to the “truth” that others see, and expect it to end well. Even during times of crisis, observing more than one set of facts with dispassion is like some rubber-necking motorist witnessing a slow-motion train wreck. The moral detritus is piling up, and the highways and byways of truth are clogged, choking and sputtering on the accumulating BS, even as the economy (once called the “global casino” by Fritjof Capra, now the title of a titular book on human-caused environmental issues), immune to what people think, has begun to find its “true calling” or higher purpose in several opportunities that deserve our full and unequivocal support. Money doesn’t care. So we have to.

Since this column is about business, I’ll now navigate away from politics to discuss the more important realm of money and meaning, supposedly the reason many of us choose to work in the first place. The political overlay is about context and how we treat each other.

Money & Meaning — what’s the cost/benefit of making a buck?

The purpose of money is not merely to perpetuate itself to make more of it. To many of us, making money is, by itself, devoid of meaning, so we must ascribe to it that which we find meaningful. We make it up. What has meaning for you? What matters most? Second most? I often suggest that any journey include at least three ways of measuring success. This will usually (if done right) reflect cherished values and principles.

If our values allow us to pursue wealth and luxury for its own sake, just to have wealth, or to be wealthy, no matter the means, then that outdated view of capitalism explains the unruly game that gets played in many circles. But what of human relations? Do we wish to stay inside this circle and only trade with those who will uphold a money-focused “ethics free zone,” or would we prefer to find richness, beauty and fulfillment in a wider circle, one that which includes those that may sharply differ from our own worldviews, but are nonetheless interested in mutual respect, dignity, and wholesomeness?

I guess the question reveals my bias … yes, there is a right answer, but maybe it is not so simple.

Now I’d like to use the current US “political theater” to highlight a few salient points. The clogging arteries of “truth and justice” do not end well for anybody, so we are starting to see an expose’ on “the game,” from both a linguistic and humanistic perspective. I’ll add my two cents to the mounting literature, some of it pleading, occasionally moralizing (if there is a choice of taking the “higher road” to a flourishing life, wouldn’t you take it?), because in my view, we simply cannot continue like this, socially distant, for now, but worlds apart. Enough is enough.

Is changing one’s mind a sign of strength or weakness? Yes. I mean, No.

A huge insult in politics is to call someone a “flip-flopper” and yet changing positions (based more on new information, or dawning awareness, not just political convenience) has become part and parcel of rewriting history, an attempt to “reframe” reality, to bend it, as some sort of a revisionist’s dream, stating and restating the world as we wished it were. As if the current position is the only one that matters and nothing that has come before matters? Admittedly, the American public has a short memory span, made even shorter by Twitter and other top-of-the-trees reports and voices that would like to matter. But to neglect recent history in favor of the one preferred by a determined group is just another deception that must be rejected.

Remember the saying, “If we knew better, we’d do better?” Guess what? We know better.

I once had a mediation gig in Kuwait. It was a very entrenched dispute that had gone completely off the rails. Every day, for nearly 3 weeks, the parties agreed to put their differences aside and declared a new day. This was inefficient, at best (although at that point it was the all they could do to show a willingness to restart talks without losing face). Later we did manage to talk about the past and learn from it, and go on to finish the project, but even with strained relations, business leaders must reject the tendency to cast aside all prior results and plans in favor of a “new day.” The enterprise’s history and team’s core values must inform decisions starting today. What’s the hype versus what’s the hope for a shared future? That’s a conversation worth having!

Lying certainly can have an upside (some claim that such manipulation is good for your career), buffer our relationships, provide excuses for someone to temporarily feel safe with their own truth. We often lie to ourselves, and who hasn’t tried to get away with a so-called white lie here and there? That doesn’t necessarily make you a liar or a bad person. Not knowing how people lie and twist the truth could set you up for being blinded when someone else does it, but that isn’t an endorsement of crime as a way to catch criminals either. Learn how to handle your own fluctuating emotions and need for ego gratification without taking others prisoner. This is what responsible adults do.

Energy Conservation Starts at Home

The corporate mindset of the media made a big deal about Bill Clinton’s affair(s) because they could. We see this ‘smear job’ (tongue in cheek) of attack-and-defend tying up a huge amount of energy in the political sandbox — nothing more than drama born of win-lose thinking — energy that could instead be used for getting on with the real work of improving the sandbox.

What is presently just a distraction begging for you to take the bait (yet again), the monkey chatter in the leaves of the tree (Twitter still has a lot of it, as does all social media, even if they’re recently growing something akin to a backbone) versus the more important question, “what about the trunk?” What do we wish to grow? How will we grow?

The Wizard of Oz invited us to not be distracted by the man behind the curtain. Why do such illusions often seem so real, and why do we keep falling into the trap of getting hooked by the drama of opposition or of adversarial alliances? It is one of the oldest distraction techniques on earth. Sun Tzu‘s “Art of War” was published before any of us were even born, and yet it continues to play on our humanity, our vulnerability, our darker tendencies? Its called shadow. We all have one.

How to rise out of that conundrum and into the light? Be sure not to get caught up in fear. The antidote to fear, a similar experience in the body, is excitement and audacious assertiveness (“a willingness to take surprisingly bold risks”), but doing so skillfully and respectfully. Why? Because we can’t easily minimize or eliminate fear, thus better to maximize our audacity … with integrity, honesty, and skillful presentation to the right people, asking until … [we reach our goals], acting as if we have nothing to lose (because we don’t, in that context), building confidence in our better offer, building character, and honing our core selves.

Even if democracy takes a serious body slam among the way, at least we’ll be better humans, worn smoother around the edges by the friction caused by our respectful audaciousness.

I’m writing all this in hopes of ensuring that this situation, longer-term, doesn’t drift into an unrecoverable lose-lose dynamic for all us stakeholders. Short of believing in miracles, we seem to be heading down the road of fewer options than normal. A 2-party system is becoming a no-party system. Narrowing our choices because we’re uninterested in booting and using the part of the brain that involves reason, reflection, or funny little things called facts must not become our de facto plan. That’s worse than having no plan.

3M’s — Manipulation, Misleading, and Masquerading

A recent transaction with someone in West Africa supported the value of American politics admitting that they liked the “all action, no talk” approach. That is hardly what we want to teach others, and behavior role models are what we Americans (and others in the developed world) offer, by silent default, unless refuted, or cast out. I cannot condone such mindless and corrupt reasoning, so let’s talk about these three M’s and then define the higher road.

M1: Manipulation: “I know you are but what am I?” is the childish ploy of turning the table on the schoolyard, employed regularly by master manipulators. Point-by-point comebacks that set the record straight are rare but necessary. This is the art of war and getting one’s message across. “Crooked Hillary” and Lying Ted Cruz are examples of manipulation in the last election that became memes (spread on their own) cannot displace facts to the contrary.

M2: Misleading information about elections being hacked or corrupt just don’t line up with the facts. Spreading an effective lie (so that it travels well enough to “infect” millions of others, as thought-viruses often do) is still lying. Our ability to survive and thrive as a nation depends on regaining our sense of what is real. It may take a long time to get over this past “race to the bottom” with so-called fake news, hyper-partisanship, and polarized “enemy stance” … mutually assured destruction, but it must be carried in the minds and hearts of every American, even as the “tribal warfare” unfolds. Things have gotten far too bad and it is far too late for cynicism.

The US has been in the de facto leader on many fronts (though lagging behind in some areas, such as protecting the environment) for decades. More recently, we began “exporting” an unfortunate byproduct of our bipartisan politics: the belief that action is more important than truth. That if you act strong and appear to be decisive (even if resultant policy decisions are entirely wrong-headed) somehow that is more important than the nuance and care required to live according to one’s principles?

If greed is all that matters, and the end justifies the means, then take everything, leave nothing but a trail of betrayal and scorched earth, and be sure to never apologize, admit one’s mistakes, or learn anything. That sort of self-reflection is for the weak. What kind of leadership is this, exactly?

M3: Masquerading: Instead of masquerading for effect, or playing the role seemingly required of us by party, church, the boss, spouses, etc., how about if we show up as our authentic selves? I know this sounds simplistic, even somewhat outrageous to suggest, but as written above, and in a business plan recently, “Audacity has to outpace fear.”

Stand up, Put people in their place, Set boundaries

The race to the bottom has finally arrived. We made it! So now what? Instead of planning another attack on democracy, or on each other, what we can and must do is uphold our respective areas of mutual respect, set the tone, but don’t be “nice” about it, be real.

The meek may yet inherit the earth, but will they want it? And would they have the nerve to step up to the podium and accept it?

Thanks for listening/reading. Respectful rebuttals are encouraged.

Daniel

New Rules for Communication @ Work

By Daniel Robin

This article describes a set of new rules for effective workplace communication in an ever-changing economy. It assumes that you are part of a high-performing organization that values innovation, participation (collaborative vs. command-and-control styles of leadership), mutual accountability and, to some extent, sustainability. Doesn’t sound like your workplace? Perhaps that’s part of your interest in this topic, for your own leadership or to influence the leaders.

Either way, awareness of these rules and corresponding tools to implement them will help make you more indispensable and increase your enjoyment at work.

Why do we need new rules anyway? Much has changed in recent years, spelling out new expectations. With all the turmoil and dislocation lately, there’s probably no such thing as “business as usual” anymore. New ethical and interpersonal standards are needed.

Here are the dynamic dozen:

Get off my cloud! Boundaries are real
Give up the need to control others
Outrageous mutuality
Stop talking [and other activities] into the wind
Be real to get real
Be like them
Be transparent, not defensive
No Whining, No Blaming
Use a light touch
Give to Get
Be Your Word and honor commitments
Respect time

The purpose is to get more of what you want, and have that hold up over time. To have quality of life at work without getting fired. To head off interpersonal friction before it becomes a problem. To deliver more value with less effort, and enjoy commensurate rewards.

In societal terms, perhaps the result of decades of living “unsustainably,” buying into myths and illusions that we are perfectly in control of our future (hint: nature does have a say), or perhaps due to “sensibility impairment” by those in charge about the path to a sustainable society, our compass must be recalibrated to again point to True North (hint: don’t buy real estate in low-lying coastal zones for awhile — at least not without flood insurance).

Stock markets and climate events (and thus investors and residents) seem more vulnerable to sudden, unpredictable changes than ever in history. In the current political climate, “true stories” has become an oxymoron. What do you believe? I believe we’ll have to wait for this storm to pass.

This moronic complexity seems emblematic of the need for a better understanding of what governs both built and natural environments. Most of us cannot do much about the computers that are the probable cause of runaway stock exchanges, but we can take responsibility for our own interpersonal exchanges. Let’s take stock of these proposed new rules, one at a time. The goal is to instill both resilience in the face of change and prevention (heading off bigger problems or seizing opportunities) at the right time. A variation on changing what we can and accepting what we cannot.

Some of these rules may be familiar (classics in the making), some more exotic. They are all useful in certain contexts, and with practice you will be better prepared for whatever comes at you next. And what is that, you ask? What comes next? Since none of us knows, exactly, what better response is there than to gather new tools and make them available for when you need them most. Study and practice in this regard will open up new options, new avenues, greater flexibility and focus in your response to any situation. As the saying goes, “choice is better than no choice. ”

For reference, we define collaborative leadership as the capacity and skill of working together to shape our collective future, and to sustain the process of change required to do so. Sustainability is “the possibility that humans and other life will flourish on Earth forever,” says John Ehrenfeld, a pioneer in the field of industrial ecology.

Many of the old rules for doing business have turned to dust, such as “shareholders come first.” Do they really? What would BP say to that? What if there are no longer any shareholders because the value of those shares suddenly vaporized? The old rules – and conventionality itself, it seems –no longer applies.

With a toxic vinaigrette now floating around the Gulf of Mexico, looking for a parking place, some new rules seem in order. I’m not suggesting the lack of these rules caused this unpecedented disaster, but I am saying that screwed-up communication may have been part of it. “I thought you said it was fail-safe!” “No, I said we’d be safe if it failed.”

We cannot do much about exploding oil platforms or computers that are the probable cause of runaway stock exchanges, but we can take responsibility for our own exchanges. Let’s take stock of these dozen new rules as a platform for getting more of what we all want:

1. Get off my cloud! Boundaries are real, even if you can’t see or touch them. Our expectations about adequate “personal space” – our tolerance of inquiries about your life outside of work, for example – vary greatly from one person to another. For you, it may be fine to share what you did over the weekend, but for another, absolutely none of your business. How you treat others can be interpreted as a sign of keen interest and empathy or as an invasion of personal privacy. Either way, pay careful attention. This and other boundaries deserve your respect. For example, a cooperative work relationship can quickly turn sour if you unwittingly step over a boundary and refuse to apologize at the perceived offense. So what if you needed a pen and raided a colleague’s desk without their permission … for that colleague, their desk is a sacred “safe space” away from a turbulent home life, not an office supply store. When knew?!

2. Give up the need to control others. As far as illusions go, control is one of the best, but it is also overrated. We all want to be “in control” of ourselves, our lives, and the things that happen along the way. Good luck with that. Gone are the days of having a tidy plan for, well, almost anything that involves other people, and a lock-step linear path to those end results. Okay, those days never existed. So what do you do with your fierce need to control?

a) Instead of buying into illusions (a form of magical thinking, but if that works for you …), you can practice moving with what’s happening in the moment, especially at first. Note that may be sharply divergent from what you think you wanted, or what you initially intended. This “moving with” keeps you tuned up for change. Listen to points of view that you think are just plain off, misguided, wrong-headed, … and see if you can accept even if you cannot agree. This practice will radically increase your adaptability, flexibility, agility. “Blessed are the flexible for they shall not get bent out of shape.”

b) How do you achive this ideal? One way is to Go slow to go faster. If you take time to meet someone where they are, rather than expecting them to come to you, you’ll get a better result.

3. Outrageous mutuality: Take responsibility for maintaining two-way dialogue. No victims here. Skillful listening is certainly useful, to a point. There are clearly limits, and you own setting them for yourself. If the other person talks and talks … continues talking right over you, even when you want to respond, it is on you to interrupt with something like “I hold myself accountable to actually hearing what’s important. I got lost back there.” Or simply “May I respond?”

Consumer protection warning: If someone begins to bore you with an elaborate story about which you care nada, interrupt early, explaining that you are “not available” for that. Do it before you start to feel resentful. Do it with a light heart and a feather. If all else fails, change the subject.

4. Stop talking [and other activities] into the wind. “Is anybody out there?” Talk less, listen more. Ask questions and dig for answers you can use. Be curious and interested in what other people think and know. If negotiating, FIND OUT what they want first, if possible. Leverage that toward all-win agreements if you want them to last.

5. Be real to get real. When in conversation, don’t just be “nice” to please the other party, be real. Being real includes taking turns to get and give information, but it also includes being up front about goals and intentions. What do you really want? What about the other party? Do you have a common basis for being in conversation let alone for making a lasting agreement? No interest in their story? Say so up front. The secret is how. {Maybe “no secrets” should be #5a?}

6. Be like them. Be yourself, of course, but you can also stretch over, at times, to be more like them. If you are truly yourself, you get an “A” for authenticity, but without this attention to the other person, you might also get a “D” for defended and dysfunctional from your conversation partner. How many times have you heard someone say “Interrupt if this gets boring”? or “I know I talk too much, but …” What do you do when you hear something that offends you? How do you handle interpersonal friction in the moment? If your attention is truly on them, and you know that this is a conversation, where you take turns, you can let the other person be fully understood before asking for the same courtesy. It is the psychology of negotiation – people listen better once they’ve been listened to. If you are having a hard time understanding where they are coming from, you’re not paying attention or asking enough questions. Get off your own map and get on theirs. Ask, “Are we in New Jersey?” and make sure you are indeed approximating mutual understanding.

7. Be transparent, not defensive: “I am not defensive!” Right. Admit mistakes, or at least the possibility of a mistake. Acknowledge that there are some things you do not know; seek input and counsel from others. It’s hip to not have all the answers. Customers and employees want to see “behind the curtain.” They want to understand your thought process, the policies, plans, and products you rejected as well as those you proudly launch. Some companies carry this to an extreme and regularly publish sustainability reports, detailing their accomplishments but also their gaps. Cleverly enough, sustainability reporting and the process of organizing the teamwork, processes, metrics and data (content of the report), is part of our offer of services.

Sidebar: For many companies, large and small, Sustainability Reports (and the periodic reporting process) became the framework for action – the “what to do” on the path to sustainability. In that sense, reports become a strategic management tool. The performance aspects come into play when management realizes that they can significantly impact results by observing key indicators and using them to dynamically shift practices such as inventory levels, energy and other resource use cycles, labor and turnover costs, etc.

8. No Whining, No Blaming. Blame went out of style in the 1980’s … and whose fault is that?! If you are transparent and responsible for the results you get, there is no blame, there is no failure, there is only feedback and learning. Definitely no need to whine. Instead, design. Rather than blame, aim toward goals. Sniveling and complaining is definitely out. Got an issue, here’s a tissue.

9. Use a light touch. You can usually deliver heavy news without being heavy handed. Someone breaks a rule, you break a fingernail, nothing more. If you can avoid threatening more severe bodily harm, and try not to run over people, that usually helps, too. Apparently, it is now somewhat culturally acceptable, at least in the West, to mix business with pleasure. Maybe it has always been, and I’m just late the party. In any case, lighthearted videos, fun quizzes, and offbeat content is rapidly moving from acceptable to essential. Not in every situation, of course, but most of the time, humor will help get your message across and make it longer lasting, more vital and viral.

10. Give to Get. Hardball negotiating tactics go over like a lead balloon. “My way or the highway!” ultimatums usually don’t get you anything but more resistance. Take a hint from bloggers and Web 2.0 culture, which is based on generosity, where people believe that no good deed goes unrewarded. It’s a new mindset for certain organizations, but an indispensable one. Even if you and your firm must be seen as hardliners, holding strong to principles and boundaries, no need to show up as hard on people. Be hard on the issues and generous and you’ll win more often and have those agreements work out in the long run.

11. Be Your Word and honor commitments. This one is age-old, timeless and not to be underestimated. The currency of most relationships is based on whether your “word is your bond.” In other words, be trustworthy – that is, worthy of trust. Follow through on your personal and professional commitments to your colleagues. If your reputation at work is ever on the line, your co-workers will be more likely to reserve judgment and grant you the benefit of doubt…just when you need it the most. What else do you have but your word? What matters more to upholding your reputation?

12. Respect time. Some people you work with are social animals who enjoy the banter and casual conversation that goes on in every office. Others can live without it – they just want results. Notice the rhythm and ease with which co-workers exchange pleasantries with you (or not), and engage them up to but not exceeding their comfort zones. This ties back to #6, be like them. Notice their body language before it becomes a point of irritation or annoyance. Learn to anticipate. When they get antsy or start glancing at their watch, it is probably over the line and no longer a sign of respect. Check in often and trust your intuition.

Do not attend a meeting without a clear up-front agenda. When things start to wrap up, summarize and check to see if there’s anything else to cover … don’t let the meeting just fizzle and run out of steam. Meetings are often over long before most people leave the room. Call a meeting complete and hang out socially if that’s what you want, but don’t drag others into your (or fall prey to others’) squishy boundaries.

Exploring the Inner Frontier, Part 3

What’s a Healthy Boundary Between You and a Maniac? — part 3 of 3

By Daniel Robin

Hank says to me “It’ll never work,” just two days after his team’s proposal was approved. Shirley says the reason the project is doomed is that nobody ever talks to her. I innocently ask “What can you do about that?” and she snaps “I don’t have time for this!” and walks out of the room.

Whoa! How do you deal with people who are stressed out, adversarial, resistant and argumentative? Tell them to take a vacation? Or those so-called “difficult” people who seem bent on being just plain annoying? I’m not talking about setting garden-variety boundaries like asking a co-worker to give you direct feedback when all you’re getting is covert criticism. Such situations simply require healthy assertion of what you prefer, as described in Part 1 of this series.

After nearly being taken hostage on the SS Maniac, I’d like to offer the following tips for setting a respectful boundary when other people get “emotionally hijacked,” when the stakes are high, or when dealing with a conflict … once set, such boundaries can save you (and your peers) hours of needless suffering.

1. Attempt to mirror what’s going on for the other person.

“Oh, you’ve got a deadline, so it’s important that we talk right this instant?” If I can understand and acknowledge something about that person’s agenda or apparent situation (their issue, problem, concern, or frustration, … whatever it is), they will be better prepared for step #2. If you find yourself getting (or already) a bit frustrated with the intruder, you risk combining this step with the next. Don’t. When you remember to pause and notice what they want, both of your stress levels drop a bit. Remember, if it helps you to listen, dissociate slightly by saying to yourself “This is not about me.”

2. Handle resistance or negativity as necessary.

Even if I’m the one who is resisting, I’ll move the situation forward if my speaking takes shared responsibility for the dynamic. I might say: “How can we work this out so that you can get what you want, and I can finish my work and still leave by 6:00?”
By itself, this doesn’t resolve anything, of course, but it does set the tone for constructive, collaborative problem solving. Or, if they seem bent on blame or negativity, I might say “I can see you are upset [about something]… let’s stop here and pick it up again when I’m less distracted ….” Or, “This is awful … you’re out of time and … darn-it … I’m booked. What are you going to do?”
Each is an attempt to acknowledge both their situation and yours, while reasserting who is responsible for theirs (they are, not you!).

3. Directly assert what I want.

If the person or issue still looms (hint not taken), it’s probably going to be necessary to directly assert what you want. Of course, what comes before this step is fundamental to setting boundaries every day: (1) Know your limits and be clear about what you want, (2) Tactfully and openly communicate those goals and limits when the other person is able to listen, and (3) Be available to discuss or negotiate any differences. (These steps are described in Part 2 of this article series.) I’m making the assumption that, in this case, however, you are dealing with a personality or situation that defies reason.

So, if you wish to say “no” – your established priorities are more important than the issue they are presenting to you – then a healthy, adult boundary might sound like: “Let me see if I have this straight; you’re supposed to have this done in one hour and you want my help? Sorry, that doesn’t work for me.” Or, if their need is more important to you: “Okay, I’ll help out this time, and when we’re done, let’s talk about how you can make future requests with more reasonable timeframes, … to make sure this never happens again.…”

Sometimes you might need to assert what you want several times in a row. Their ability to listen at such times will be minimal, so stay steady. If someone seems intent on picking a fight or debating a fact that you see differently, you can simply decline to participate: “I’m not available for this conversation,” “I’m not willing to argue about this,” or smile and say in an even tone, “This conversation just ended.” If you repeatedly state “I’m not willing to fight with you about that,” you also send an implied secondary message: “So, what else would you like to talk about?”

Another option is to use humor — and be careful of your facial expression or other non-verbal cues — to interrupt the pattern and creatively diffuse tension: “This is not a good time to discuss what you want … how about if you buy me a drink after work? Then we can discuss all the facts and even the “alternative facts” to your heart’s content!”

Still looking for help / support / skill-building opportunities with better boundaries? Try our worksheet or contact us for coaching services.

Exploring the Inner Frontier, Part 2

Skills to Set and Maintain Healthy Workplace Boundaries — part 2 of 3

By Daniel Robin

Setting healthy boundaries at work can be your saving grace; it can also be a daily testimonial to your courage and skill. Whether you’re the boss who has not enough staff and way too much to do, or you’re a member of that staff, establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries is an invisible and challenging art form – and a vital skill set for your sustained success.

How can this article series help? See if any of these scenarios sound familiar:

Job Description from Hell. If other people continuously expect more than you can ever deliver, then there’s some work you need to do: begin to reset expectations based on reality.
High Ambition, Low Satisfaction. Do you often have a hard time leaving the office when you say you will? And yet, you want to have it all? If you constantly work, work, work, and tell yourself you’re on the fast-track … indeed, you may be on the “fast-track” … to burning yourself out. Hint: push back a little. It’s darn near impossible to build a solid career and reputation for excellence when you can barely breathe.
Speak Up for Balance. If you want to balance your work and your leisure, you generally know your limits and try to stand up for them, but alas, you keep getting squeezed out, this article series will give you some new tools to get your limits honored and your interests met.

Setting healthy boundaries – simply stating your truth, from your experience, without fear of retaliation or of hurting the other person’s feelings – is not supposed to be hard. If this topic brings up some concerns or makes you a bit nervous, good! That’s the edge that will have you asserting what you know and want.

The Place to Start

Ideally, workplace boundary setting takes place in a context of an open discussion about responsibilities, goals and priorities; there’s mutual understanding about what needs to be done, and the timeframes are carefully negotiated. (And then, of course, “change happens,” but what counts is having a workable agreement on the front end).

However, even if such contracting didn’t happen up front, it probably isn’t too late to go for better agreements. How you express your limits, your strengths and your abilities is key to setting a boundary that gets respected.

Here are three core skill areas to help get you there:

1. Know your limits, know what you want.

By now, most of us set goals (a prioritized list of what you want), but do you know your limits? One client said, “I know them when I go beyond them. If I am unaware of what I cannot do, I’m likely to drown in that which I cannot see.” Knowing your limits is a source of inner strength and helps you focus your energies on what you can do.

To protect yourself from going “overboard,” be organized and on top of your commitments, including knowing yourself and your strengths to give accurate estimates of timeframes (I generally take my best guess then double it). If you regularly put your priorities in writing, it will help you handle unplanned requests or the inevitable reprioritization in a professional, matter-of-fact way. What would written weekly and daily priorities look like for you?

2. Tactfully and openly communicate goals and limits.

Sell your abilities by demonstrating what you can get done without selling yourself short by taking on too much. Put out there 100% of what you want and what you are willing to do to get it. When you talk about your limitations, focus on your positive intention, ask for help in doing your best work, and problem solve, don’t complain about the problem.

Pay attention to how the other person is receiving your communication. Be open to feedback; better still, ask for feedback.

3. Be available to discuss differences and get to agreements.

Listen and verify your understanding of the other person’s needs, interests and concerns. This is a time for using your best communication and win-win negotiation skills. Tune in to their concerns or limits, and look for simple ways to “work it out.”

Next section’s focus is on healthy boundaries in adversarial or conflict situations, like dealing with people when they get stressed out or when the stakes are particularly high. Click here for Part 3, What’s a Healthy Boundary Between You and that Maniac?

For now, how did the boundary you set from Part 1 work out? What’s one new boundary you’ll establish this week?

Exploring the Inner Frontier, Part 1

How to Create and Maintain Healthy Workplace Boundaries — part 1 of 3

By Daniel Robin

“So what happened to you? It’s like you’ve gone M.I.A. … missing for weeks….”
“My job ate my life,” Tom sighed, as the two high-tech workers sipped their half-decaf cappuccinos.
Katie asks politely, “May I offer a suggestion? Push back a little. Your life is more important.”
“Yeah, but I’m actually into it,” Tom explained, “plus, there’s so much to do – ”
“Great, glad you are on a roll, and there always will be tons to do in your work,” she says with a wink. “You know you won’t do anybody any good if you fry.”

Like two nations caught in a territory dispute, human boundaries are invisible – and often violated. Boundaries are limits that are always present, spoken or unspoken, honored or overstepped. A so-called “healthy” boundary reflects balance between distance and intimacy, between time spent working and at leisure, between your interests and mine.

Where Have All the Boundaries Gone?

Do you remember a time before there was traffic? (Me neither, but I read about it.) When our cities were uncrowded, when the next town was a major journey, and the moon was … inconceivable? Now there’s fax technology and the Internet, the population explosion and jet travel … we are literally one big, gnarly community.

Why then, you may ask, don’t we act like one? Probably because we’re literally in each other’s face, and it takes conscious effort to work out the healthy boundary thing. Also, the rules aren’t as clear as in nature, where animals set boundaries by marking out their unique territory. In the workplace … well, it’s not quite so obvious.

With healthy interpersonal and personal/professional boundaries you can…

Do your best work, contribute sustainably, ensuring adequate reward for your efforts. A healthy personal/professional boundary is the subtle key to maintaining life balance: work at your commitments, do not “over-perform” or say “yes” to unreasonable requests. Get clear on your limits and powerfully express them.
Get results with literally anyone – even people you don’t happen to like, or with whom you seem to disagree
Work well with those who have lousy boundaries. For example, take a coworker who has been staying late several evenings each week, and then snaps at you because you aren’t. Or the “human can-opener,” prying into your personal affairs, or trying to “fix” you when you just wanted to talk about a problem (vent). Then there’s the “time bandit” who doesn’t mind stealing your day, “Really, just 5 minutes” at a time.

At first you can probably just ignore them, then give a subtle non-verbal hint like glancing at your watch and raising an eyebrow. If that doesn’t work, speak up and politely assert your healthy boundary. Otherwise, you’ll be “taken prisoner”, and the victim-victimizer chain will spread.

Its important to speak up about garden-variety interpersonal boundaries – when someone steps on toes, breaks a policy, or blows an agreement. Being direct demands respect.

Permission is Better than Forgiveness

How’s your skill at honoring other people’s boundaries? Do you remember to “ask permission” before invading their personal space? For example, when initiating a conversation, do you ask “Is this a good moment?” or “Do you have about 10 minutes to go over your comments or should I come back after lunch?” or “Are you open to discussing this project right now?”

No matter what their response, this says you are aware that you are interrupting, you want their full attention, and are willing to hear their truth.

Healthy boundaries are essential to getting things done and building relationships that last. Indeed, the practice of skillfully setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is as close to a “magic ticket” as anything I know.

With healthy limits, you safely go about doing your best work; without them, either you or the company will eventually take a hit. What’s one boundary you’ll set this week?

Continue with Part 2: Skills to Set and Maintain Healthy Workplace Boundaries
or check out our Health Boundaries Self-Assessment

Leadership in Action Series: Part 3

False Responsibility and Its Remedies

By Daniel Robin

This installment looks at the pattern of “false responsibility” – when we take charge of things that don’t belong to us, such as other people’s feelings, mistaken assumptions about who is responsible for shared outcomes, or when circumstances change but we don’t.

Most adults have a natural ability to decide what’s in and what’s out. Our family of origin, fears, unrealistic expectations, and stressors such as pressure or anxiety sometimes cloud our judgment. The goal is to respond in ways that allow us to make high-quality decisions more often, steering clear of the landmines of false responsibility.

Pride of Ownership

In prior articles (“Personal Growth on the Job”), we’ve suggested that one key to success is to take personal responsibility for the results you get. Even when others are into deflecting (“It’s not my fault”), projecting (“You need electro-shock therapy!”), or blaming and shaming (“You didn’t explain it right.”), you can strengthen your approach while earning respect for your commitment to learning. However, no matter what the other person owns (or doesn’t own), there are limits to “healthy responsibility” at work.

These limits come in three forms:

Under no circumstances are you responsible for other people’s feelings or experiences.
Caring about an outcome is different than having to control it.
When there’s change, notice and adapt lest ye get “bent out of shape.”

Limit #1: Even when you directly contributed to someone else’s experience, you are not responsible for their feelings or problems. To accept some responsibility for the situation would require your voluntary consent. I’m not suggesting that you ignore their communication or that you not listen. Indeed, listen carefully and responsibly to their “stuff” – just don’t take it on! Realizing that it’s their stuff means you need not defend or argue. This is their experience, and it is a fact for them. Let it wash over you.

If you are having a hard time listening without judging, ask them to “speak from first person” – as in, “I understand you feel that I let you down; what was your firsthand experience?” If necessary, request that they “Start with ‘I …’.”

By not internalizing other people’s “stuff” as your own, you maintain healthy interpersonal boundaries and get the truth out on the table (“So, you were disappointed that I didn’t come to that meeting, and now you’re concerned about your workload … is that right?”). Hear them out, but don’t step over the line into care-taking (popularly known as “codependence”). Openly discuss what can be done. They have total responsibility for what happens in their life, not you.

Limit #2: Caring about an outcome is different than having to control it. Overcaring about a goal doesn’t achieve optimal results – it prevents them! For example, if a manager claims to be fully responsible for all the outcomes of their department, what’s wrong with this picture? For starters, not all the outcomes are up to that manager. It’s joint responsibility for shared outcomes: the staff does their part and the manager does theirs (hopefully). Though based on a good intention (caring), taking false responsibility (overcaring) is a setup – a guarantee of overwork, underplay, stress and eventual burnout for a manager, depriving employees of power and recognition.

Of course, not assuming enough responsibility (“Who, me? I’m not even involved…”), would also be a problem. Aloof and detached “undercaring” triggers those who tend to overcare, both going nowhere in a hurry. Remedy: assume functional and healthy responsibility, which may involve an adjustment in thinking, language and approach.

Limit #3: Pushing to change circumstances beyond our control causes frustration and wastes energy. Being fixated on the way it has to be leads to “overpush” – the tendency we all have to escalate, retaliate, do battle … temporarily buying into doing the impossible.

For example, imagine you’re driving to an appointment on a tight schedule and suddenly there’s a sea of red brake lights in front of you. Do you go into stress or despair (“overpush”), get creative (“Hmmm … how do I part the red sea?”), or sigh and reschedule?

A Healthy Response to Change

Let’s take a closer look at the human response to changed circumstances: temporarily holding onto what doesn’t work, such as forcing the original plan, trying to control the uncontrollable….

If I get attached to things being a certain way (other than the way they actually are), I take false responsibility, producing suffering rather than results.

What does it mean to take healthy leadership responsibility when dealing with unanticipated problems? How do you usually respond when … a higher-up blocks your plan, a valued team member quits, the network and/or the stock market crashes?

Take the False Responsibility Quiz …

See if you can identify the false responsibility in the following “day from hell” of a human being near you:

Heading toward an appointment on a tight schedule, you encounter a major delay. Sadly, you left your helicopter in your other suit. You fantasize about driving along the shoulder or pushing cars out of your way. After more than a modest amount of head-banging, you call and reschedule.

Back at the office, your computer commits suicide at the worst possible moment; Bill Gates fails to answer your page. You mentally rehearse a scathing e-mail message (fortunately, it will stay mental due to lack of a keyboard). Can’t we just start over?

The project meeting drags on and people seem to be un-evolving before your eyes; although selection, mutation and extinction are a part of nature, you’d rather not watch it happen at work. The facilitator isn’t helping matters, so you blurt out “You’re a fool with a flipchart!”

What part constitutes false responsibility (hint: head-banging, chewing out Bill Gates, and calling the facilitator names isn’t likely to help you achieve your goals in life – although it certainly may provide momentary stress relief).

Of course, I’m confident that none of the above has ever happened to you … but if it did, would it inspire you to find a better way?

Overcare and Overpush: Plead Temporary Insanity

For example, let’s say a trusted co-worker accuses you of incompetence: “You obviously don’t know what you’re doing!” You have three basic options:

Freak out (curse their mother, fantasize legal action, throw something at them, etc.)
Feel hurt and cry.
Let go of the need to change “what is” and calmly get creative.

A key to getting where you want to go when unanticipated problems arise (the air gets let out of your tires, so to speak) is to pinpoint your intention and let go of everything else.

So why do we hold on to what doesn’t work any more – for even an instant?

Stress Makes People Stupid

What keeps people from “letting go” when holding on clearly isn’t going to work? Stress is what happens when the mind overrides our common sense. Pressure and anxiety have a blinding and distorting effect. According to Daniel Goleman in Emotional Intelligence (I’m paraphrasing) certain types of stress activate the “stupid” centers of the brain. When emotionally upset, “people cannot remember, attend, learn, or make decisions clearly.”

Short answer: negative stress clouds judgment, and we need to notice it. The idea is to unlock some of the agitation or anxiety – undo the mental vapor lock. Return to center.

How you deal with such “hijackings” says a lot about your leadership ability. See if you recognize any of the following telltale signs of taking false responsibility at work:

Agitation or anxiety heightens as you gradually realize you’re wasting your time.
Frustration, perhaps punctuated by despair that leads to moments of self-doubt.
The feeling you get when you know it’s pointless (too late, won’t matter, doomed to fail, etc.), and yet somehow you keep trying.

These are all signs that the following process could come in handy.

Process for Releasing False Responsibility

Call a “time out” – STOP the action! Shift from external focus (the thing that’s got you upset) to an internal check-in.
Important: Resist the temptation to work on solving the situation until you’ve completed steps 2 & 3. You’ll make better choices after you’ve pinpointed your intention and released some of the angst or frustration.
Remember (or invent) your goal. “What was my original goal?” Write it down. Then ask yourself: “Why did that goal matter?” or “Why did I want that?” or “What will that do?” Answers to any of these questions get the bigger picture intention behind your goal, often tapping into what you really want.
Ask yourself to “let go” of what’s not working. Soon the so-called “problem” of the moment will quickly melt into a vast stew of “little stuff” – and yes, it’s all little stuff! Ask yourself “Of what could I begin to let go?” or “Could I release part of my need to change this situation and accept ______?” You know what’s been getting in your way.
Assess your options. Now that you’ve separated your intention from the overpush (steps 2 & 3, above), take a calm and careful look at what you’ll do to honor your intention.

At times like this, it may also be useful to seek out a little coaching from someone who listens well and knows how to not give advice.

All three forms of false responsibility – taking on other people’s stuff, overcare, and overpush – are downside risks of caring and ambition. This isn’t to suggest that you pretend not to care or that you lower your aspirations. To the contrary, awareness of this pattern provides a way to care and succeed with far less effort and greater confidence.

Giving Workplace Negativity a Sustainable Lift: Part 1

Containment — part 1 of 3

By Daniel Robin

“You can forget about that project … it will fail like all the rest.”
“Yeah, our morale has been down so long, even bottom is starting to look like up!”

A colleague just got told to “get off it” by his boss. What’s the “it”, exactly? He doesn’t really know, oddly enough, because the problem has been undiscussable and undefined from the start. Something about an “attitude problem.”

Negativity is a trance, often accompanied by a state of agitation, born of frustration, or energy-zapping depression – a predictable reaction to adversity, past trauma, or impending change … in the workplace, as in life, the key is to not get stuck there.

Sink or Swim — One Person’s Lemon is Another’s Lemonade

Two people could approach the exact same challenge; one will swim, the other, drown. The brain has a negativity bias as a survival mechanism. We often learn when there is a strong emotional component. Unfortunately, that form of “learning” is usually akin to difficult experiences we would prefer to forget, or at least never repeat, as opposed to the more generative and productive learning, which is centered on what is actually wanted instead of more pain, or at least staying afloat.

The more useful learning is about how to make the most of current circumstances, and what it will take to succeed, not how to avoid the thing you passionately dislike. Indeed, there are two approaches to any situation — the “problem” frame (staying clear of difficulty) and the “goal” orientation (achieving what’s wanted). The brain either moves away from problems or toward goals , or both in some combination, depending on the impetus for change. This motivation tends to shift as one approaches the perceived finish line. Indeed, using a goal-oriented approach also happens to be much more enjoyable, but problems (as perceived by the person who has them) deserve respect, too.

The one having a tough time would filter out all the good stuff (“What good stuff?”) and pay exquisite attention to only the obstacles or difficulty. Often, this person’s reaction is more determined by their prior mood, stress, and energy levels than by the true severity of the issue. In extreme cases, the mood itself comes from habitually seeing the worst in everything – just lemons everywhere. If I pay attention to the clouds that accompany every stinking silver lining, eventually, there are only clouds.

The one who would swim through the adversity will have the ability to step back, define the issue, look for root cause(s), evaluate options, and take action to change it or adjust to it. Even if it’s the wrong action, any sincere attempt to resolve the situation will be better than drowning in it.

Outlook or Outbreak

Let’s make a distinction between folks who stay in the negative out of habit – a negative predisposition – and those who occasionally find something major to complain about.

If a coworker who is usually positive and upbeat goes on a momentary tirade, suddenly gets afflicted with an outbreak of “this sucks and let me tell you why,” you know it’s for a reason, and can usually be sorted out. With half an invitation to vent, out it all comes, including whose fault it is, and then magically, just like the hijacking never occurred, normal breathing resumes and the person returns to their original upright position.

But if someone has been waking up on the wrong side of their life for months (or years?), they can “poison the pond” without even noticing how it is affecting others. Indeed, when down for the count, it would be momentarily satisfying if the entire department became just as disgusted as they are. Perhaps this inspired the saying “misery deserves company.”

We’re In This Soup Together

The “negatizer” is often so unpleasant to be around that few sane people would volunteer to coach or mentor them. First instincts would be to run away screaming, give quick “fix it” advice, or tell them to seek therapy. Keeping a healthy boundary (see boundaries for strategies) prevents their stuckness from spreading like a contagion. Of course, if you get hooked by or complain to a third party about this “difficult person,” yet another problem arises.

If you focus on what’s inside the “circle of influence” (and abandon what is not); it helps free up resources for rising above it. Next article: tips for getting there.

Healthy Boundaries Self-assessment

(c) 2017 Daniel Robin & Associates

The purpose of this page is to help you collect information about yourself so you can increase your self-awareness and formulate an action plan. Use these topics and question to journal, reflect and get clearer about what you want. We also offer coaching services to assist with this process.

Which of these core skills deserve future attention for setting healthy boundaries?

1. Know your limits – know what you want

- Do you now have a comprehensive set of written near-term and long-term goals?
- Do you know how much you can handle?
- Do your weeks get crammed full of more than you can possibly do? Get clear on your limits (and celebrate whatever you do actually accomplish) or you will get systematically frustrated and discouraged with how much is always left over.
  [ If you feel so inspired, journal on this topic ]

2. Tactfully and openly communicate goals and limits

To whom? About what, specifically? When, ideally?
How can you convey to others what’s “in” and what’s not on your priorities list right now?
[ journal ]

3. Be available to discuss differences and get to agreements

- What would help you successfully negotiate some healthy, realistic agreements?
  [ journal ]

Return to Healthy Boundaries article series: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3