Category Archives: Difficult People

Collaboration

Collaboration can become “coliberation” when done right.

When, exactly, are “two heads better than one”?  When the overall goal and task at hand deserve this form of closely aligned partnering.  Of course, not every type of work, every goal or every task deserves it, and when collaboration is warranted, success depends on the willingness and skill-sets of collaboration partners.  Key is to neither over- nor under-utilize collaboration, saving it for situations that will benefit from its advantages, avoiding auto-pilot limitations due to habitual responses to diversity, stretching toward greater and greater effectiveness.  

Check out our collaboration skills program course description, or contact us to schedule a delivery or discuss a tailored version of this course.

If you are an individual looking for self-study materials, consider downloading our 90-minute audio conference (offered through Lorman Education, with Continuing Education Unit credits available*) entitled Breaking Down Silos to Effective Collaboration (original Flyer PDF | Purchase program for $99 “on demand” at lorman.com/training/management/breaking-down-the-silos-for-effective-collaboration).

Related articles:

Why bother gaining greater awareness and skill with these tools for collaboration?  Because insanity is defined as doing what you’ve always done but expecting a different result. It takes a highly disciplined or slightly crazy (in a good way) person to choose what is less familiar and possibly uncomfortable, but such is the way of “style stretching” for those who normally over-use or under-use collaboration as their “go to” mode of interacting.  Professionals these days let the discomfort be their guide — getting comfortable with the discomfort — of trying new things, until that greater flexibility has been added to their repertoire.

How flexible are you when it comes to working with others, especially those who are unlike you?  At times a passenger, at others strongly “in charge” as topic leader, modern workplaces are most productive when experienced as a daily “flexibility drill” when collaborating with diverse others. Bending and stretching without get bent out of shape — skills worth honing over a lifetime!

Not seeing what you’re looking for?  Browse our other presentation topics for ideas.

* This course has been reviewed and approved for inclusion in the Human Resource Professional Development (HRPD) Certificate Program and qualifies for 0.5 credit. Please visit www.lorman.com/certification/hrpd for more information.

Exploring the Inner Frontier, Part 3

What’s a Healthy Boundary Between You and a Maniac? — part 3 of 3

By Daniel Robin

Hank says to me “It’ll never work,” just two days after his team’s proposal was approved. Shirley says the reason the project is doomed is that nobody ever talks to her. I innocently ask “What can you do about that?” and she snaps “I don’t have time for this!” and walks out of the room.

Whoa! How do you deal with people who are stressed out, adversarial, resistant and argumentative? Tell them to take a vacation? Or those so-called “difficult” people who seem bent on being just plain annoying? I’m not talking about setting garden-variety boundaries like asking a co-worker to give you direct feedback when all you’re getting is covert criticism. Such situations simply require healthy assertion of what you prefer, as described in Part 1 of this series.

After nearly being taken hostage on the SS Maniac, I’d like to offer the following tips for setting a respectful boundary when other people get “emotionally hijacked,” when the stakes are high, or when dealing with a conflict … once set, such boundaries can save you (and your peers) hours of needless suffering.

1. Attempt to mirror what’s going on for the other person.

“Oh, you’ve got a deadline, so it’s important that we talk right this instant?” If I can understand and acknowledge something about that person’s agenda or apparent situation (their issue, problem, concern, or frustration, … whatever it is), they will be better prepared for step #2. If you find yourself getting (or already) a bit frustrated with the intruder, you risk combining this step with the next. Don’t.  When you remember to pause and notice what they want, both of your stress levels drop a bit. Remember, if it helps you to listen, dissociate slightly by saying to yourself “This is not about me.”

2. Handle resistance or negativity as necessary.

Even if I’m the one who is resisting, I’ll move the situation forward if my speaking takes shared responsibility for the dynamic. I might say: “How can we work this out so that you can get what you want, and I can finish my work and still leave by 6:00?”
By itself, this doesn’t resolve anything, of course, but it does set the tone for constructive, collaborative problem solving. Or, if they seem bent on blame or negativity, I might say “I can see you are upset [about something]… let’s stop here and pick it up again when I’m less distracted ….” Or, “This is awful … you’re out of time and … darn-it … I’m booked. What are you going to do?”
Each is an attempt to acknowledge both their situation and yours, while reasserting who is responsible for theirs (they are, not you!).

3. Directly assert what I want.

If the person or issue still looms (hint not taken), it’s probably going to be necessary to directly assert what you want. Of course, what comes before this step is fundamental to setting boundaries every day: (1) Know your limits and be clear about what you want, (2) Tactfully and openly communicate those goals and limits when the other person is able to listen, and (3) Be available to discuss or negotiate any differences. (These steps are described in Part 2 of this article series.) I’m making the assumption that, in this case, however, you are dealing with a personality or situation that defies reason.

So, if you wish to say “no” – your established priorities are more important than the issue they are presenting to you – then a healthy, adult boundary might sound like: “Let me see if I have this straight; you’re supposed to have this done in one hour and you want my help? Sorry, that doesn’t work for me.” Or, if their need is more important to you: “Okay, I’ll help out this time, and when we’re done, let’s talk about how you can make future requests with more reasonable timeframes, … to make sure this never happens again.…”

Sometimes you might need to assert what you want several times in a row. Their ability to listen at such times will be minimal, so stay steady. If someone seems intent on picking a fight or debating a fact that you see differently, you can simply decline to participate: “I’m not available for this conversation,” “I’m not willing to argue about this,” or smile and say in an even tone, “This conversation just ended.” If you repeatedly state “I’m not willing to fight with you about that,” you also send an implied secondary message: “So, what else would you like to talk about?”

Another option is to use humor — and be careful of your facial expression or other non-verbal cues — to interrupt the pattern and creatively diffuse tension: “This is not a good time to discuss what you want … how about if you buy me a drink after work?  Then we can discuss all the facts and even the “alternative facts” to your heart’s content!”

Still looking for help / support / skill-building opportunities with better boundaries? Try our worksheet or contact us for coaching services.

Exploring the Inner Frontier, Part 1

How to Create and Maintain Healthy Workplace Boundaries — part 1 of 3

By Daniel Robin

“So what happened to you? It’s like you’ve gone M.I.A. … missing for weeks….”
“My job ate my life,” Tom sighed, as the two high-tech workers sipped their half-decaf cappuccinos.
Katie asks politely, “May I offer a suggestion? Push back a little. Your life is more important.”
“Yeah, but I’m actually into it,” Tom explained, “plus, there’s so much to do – ”
“Great, glad you are on a roll, and there always will be tons to do in your work,” she says with a wink. “You know you won’t do anybody any good if you fry.”

Like two nations caught in a territory dispute, human boundaries are invisible – and often violated. Boundaries are limits that are always present, spoken or unspoken, honored or overstepped. A so-called “healthy” boundary reflects balance between distance and intimacy, between time spent working and at leisure, between your interests and mine.

Where Have All the Boundaries Gone?

Do you remember a time before there was traffic? (Me neither, but I read about it.) When our cities were uncrowded, when the next town was a major journey, and the moon was … inconceivable? Now there’s fax technology and the Internet, the population explosion and jet travel … we are literally one big, gnarly community.

Why then, you may ask, don’t we act like one? Probably because we’re literally in each other’s face, and it takes conscious effort to work out the healthy boundary thing. Also, the rules aren’t as clear as in nature, where animals set boundaries by marking out their unique territory. In the workplace … well, it’s not quite so obvious.

With healthy interpersonal and personal/professional boundaries you can…

  • Do your best work, contribute sustainably, ensuring adequate reward for your efforts. A healthy personal/professional boundary is the subtle key to maintaining life balance: work at your commitments, do not “over-perform” or say “yes” to unreasonable requests. Get clear on your limits and powerfully express them.
  • Get results with literally anyone – even people you don’t happen to like, or with whom you seem to disagree
  • Work well with those who have lousy boundaries. For example, take a coworker who has been staying late several evenings each week, and then snaps at you because you aren’t. Or the “human can-opener,” prying into your personal affairs, or trying to “fix” you when you just wanted to talk about a problem (vent). Then there’s the “time bandit” who doesn’t mind stealing your day, “Really, just 5 minutes” at a time.

At first you can probably just ignore them, then give a subtle non-verbal hint like glancing at your watch and raising an eyebrow. If that doesn’t work, speak up and politely assert your healthy boundary. Otherwise, you’ll be “taken prisoner”, and the victim-victimizer chain will spread.

Its important to speak up about garden-variety interpersonal boundaries – when someone steps on toes, breaks a policy, or blows an agreement. Being direct demands respect.

Permission is Better than Forgiveness

How’s your skill at honoring other people’s boundaries? Do you remember to “ask permission” before invading their personal space? For example, when initiating a conversation, do you ask “Is this a good moment?” or “Do you have about 10 minutes to go over your comments or should I come back after lunch?” or “Are you open to discussing this project right now?”

No matter what their response, this says you are aware that you are interrupting, you want their full attention, and are willing to hear their truth.

Healthy boundaries are essential to getting things done and building relationships that last. Indeed, the practice of skillfully setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is as close to a “magic ticket” as anything I know.

With healthy limits, you safely go about doing your best work; without them, either you or the company will eventually take a hit. What’s one boundary you’ll set this week?

Continue with Part 2: Skills to Set and Maintain Healthy Workplace Boundaries
or check out our Health Boundaries Self-Assessment

Difficult Behaviors at Work: Part 3

I Hate It When You Do That! (Do what?)

By Daniel Robin

Dealing with difficult people (or, more precisely, consultant-speak “behavior”) begins with identifying and naming that which is so exasperating – you know, the types of behavior that drive you nuts, that trigger a strong reaction in you.

Think, for a moment, about the people around you, and notice any behaviors that push your buttons. What’s “difficult behavior”?  Actions, or inactions, that seem less-than-helpful, or that get under your skin.  I offer the following list of behaviors that commonly set people off. It is by no means comprehensive, but may serve to remind you of the patterns you experience at work.

After reviewing this list, circle up to three that hit home strongly for you. Or write examples of some that do.

Which Behaviors Fry You?

  1. PWBA – “person with bad attitude” – complains constantly, blames others, exhibits negativity as if a victim of circumstances, with no apparent interest in taking responsibility.
  2. Space Invaders. People who “invade your space,” seem to not notice implicit social boundaries, who assume you want their (unsolicited) advice, or who try to “fix” you without checking to see if you think you’re in need of repair.
  3. Knee-jerk Resisters. People who polarize automatically, who oppose new ideas or outside influences without listening, take a contrary view without considering objective facts or other relevant opinions.
  4. Permanent Hijacking. People who wear anger like a habit – moody, edgy, hostile, or aggressive … even when they’re not upset about anything in particular. Often this hijacking is paired with aloof passivity (also called passive-aggressive).
  5. Ruthless Critic. Being harshly or tactlessly critical; picky, perfectionistic … for whom nothing is adequate, nobody and nothing is enough.
  6. Verbally Compulsive. Overly talkative types who want to “process” everything, for hours, when you just want to get on with it. Which reminds me of a story … you know, the other day ….
  7. Avoiders – people who seem to go out of their way to avoid confrontation, prefer to keep things vague, indirect, refusing to be pinned down to a commitment.
  8. Accommodators – folks who say “yes” to keep the peace or who withhold their honest perceptions, while in truth they don’t agree at all.
  9. Authoritarian bullies who compete for the one right answer, are “seldom wrong but often mistaken,” who condescend, sometimes treating others like children, or blow up and hurtle insults, curse, yell, etc.  Usually, they have no awareness that they are doing it.

What pushes your buttons? What did I miss? Consultants that provide long lists of annoying behaviors then ask “What did I miss?” Makes me mad, too.

Getting to Change

Here’s how to lead toward change while avoiding becoming “difficult” (1-9 above) yourself: separate the person from the behavior. On the one hand, how they act drives you crazy. And from their perspective, what are they trying to achieve that’s worthwhile? No idea? Good starting point.

It may be hard to believe, but just like you, the person behind each of these difficult behaviors has a positive intention. That intention may be completely separate from the result they are getting, but it’s there. Look for and identify it, and then you can talk about alternative approaches that will work for both of you. For example (Ruthless Critic): “I can see that you are trying to contribute to the project, and for me, it works better when you talk about what you liked before you dig into where you see room for improvement.”

If you don’t know what the person is trying to achieve, ask. They’ll know. “I notice that you X, … what is that intended to do?” Or simply, “What’s your goal [with that behavior]?” … and then “What will that do?” Sure enough, you’ll hear what they thought you knew all along … their positive purpose!

Sometimes there’s a tradition of enabling or allowing a difficult behavior to continue because nobody has a clue what the person is trying to achieve. All anybody can see is the “problem behavior” which grows and grows until there’s a seeming monster in the room (formerly know as your colleague, boss or co-worker). What was once something you probably found just annoying or mildly disrespectful becomes harder to distinguish from the person’s valuable core – where they are successful, their unique genius, or irrefutable strengths. Moral: intervene early and keep current. Don’t build a deficit economy out of your emotional bank account with that person or group.

When to Obtain Outside Assistance

In cases involving groups that are volatile or emotionally charged, another option would be to ask management or a neutral outsider to step in and meet with the group to clear up “how we work together.” This is no substitute for one-on-one coaching, but at least this can give a heads up about “bothersome” behaviors to avoid creating a hostile or threatening work environment. Perhaps put in writing the agreement that everyone has been asked to uphold, and ask for signatures to acknowledge their understanding and cooperation. This sets the tone and also helps protect the company legally.

The important thing is to keep the communication channels open. If you can discuss the behavior when it is just beginning to turn into a pattern, you can speak plainly and directly to the issue without a big emotional charge. From this more neutral place, collaboration is possible and easy solutions are within reach.

Difficult Behaviors at Work: Part 2

Whose ‘Stuff’ Is It?

By Daniel Robin

When the boss bites. When the team cracks. When that jerk in the next cubicle …. These are few of my least favorite things. What are yours?

What if indirectness, bad boundaries, and pushiness all manifest in one coworker, what can be done? In some ways, exasperating and annoying behaviors like being hyper-critical or defensive are harder to handle than when someone “loses it” completely and starts throwing things. Blatantly violating company policy gets immediate attention, but you can’t fire somebody for being “difficult,” nor for having permanent bad hair days.

This article will help you understand how “difficult behaviors” in colleagues and customers keep us from doing our best work, and offers strategies for doing something about it.

Trying your Patience or Trying for Results

Tremendous time and energy gets spent just trying to get along with coworkers (the boss is another story, and explains why Dilbert is so popular). What would each day be like if you could redirect all that time and energy into getting things done?

I’ll describe three strategies for handling difficult workplace situations, starting with the easiest first: (1) avoid it entirely, (2) neutralize your reaction (get to the place where their stuff doesn’t trigger you), or (3) get them to change.

1. Avoid It

For most garden-variety “difficulty” (see above) by far the easiest option is avoidance. If you don’t have to interact with this person on that topic, why torture yourself trying to get a result that just throws gasoline on the fire? Of course, the easy answer isn’t always the best answer (sigh).

If possible, make the difficult behavior irrelevant. Focus instead on what they’re good at besides pushing your buttons. What are their useful strengths? How could you build your relationship around those strengths and bypass the rest?

2. Neutralize Your Reaction

Your ability to change the situation or change their behavior depends entirely on your skill at persuasion and negotiation. If you’ve already tried the direct approach (#3, below) and no dice, the second easiest way is probably to change your reaction to their weirdness. What could you do (or not do) that would keep your buttons from being pushed?

For some behaviors, this may be asking a lot. The situation may be simply unacceptable to you. It is when your reaction is completely justified and still drains your energy that it would be to your advantage to depersonalize and neutralize. Then you can stand there and let them poke around for the former button (the one that used to “hook” you), and you’ll see them looking confused because you’re just not going there anymore.

Being neutral in your reaction is different than approving or liking their behavior – it simply means that whatever they do, it doesn’t phase you. Owning your reaction allows you to become less attached to changing a situation over which you may have no control.

Instead, give them a mirror, not an adversary – give nothing to push up against. (And if all else fails, try bringing in a neutral third party to assist.)

3. Change Their Behavior

This third approach – getting them to agree to change – is often the toughest. Why? There’s a paradox: the stronger your reaction to their behavior (that is, the more you get hooked and bothered by it), the harder it is for them to change of their own free will. The more it bothers you, the more it will be in your self-interest for them to change, but what’s in it for them? It doesn’t usually wash both ways.

For example, let’s say that to you it’s rude, disrespectful and inconsiderate for a coworker to keep arriving late for meetings; but for them, they may just be arriving when they arrive – If you bring it up, they say, “Like, what’s the big deal?”

The “big deal” is that until you negotiate an agreement that has them bought in to changing, use approaches 1 & 2. If you can’t free yourself from needing them to change, in effect, it becomes more your problem than theirs. Do not take on false responsibility.

If you can bring the issue to them in a way that they actually let it in, you’ll prevent a power struggle. Check out the article called “The Gentle Art of Confrontation” for ways to deliver difficult news in ways that get heard.

I Hate It When You Do That (Do what?)
Dealing with Difficult Workplace Behaviors, Part 3

Difficult Behaviors at Work: Part 1

The Difficulty with Difficult People (Who, no rx me?)

By Daniel Robin

Each of us has a “difficult” person hiding inside. Some have it well hidden and only let it out on rare occasions – unleashing it at the driver of another car, viagra or during competitive sports, capsule or as a familiar loop with a family member. Still others, despite best efforts at self-control, are just one step away from being the case study at some workshop on difficult personality types.

Thankfully, few candidates for “impossible person of the year” ever get to positions of power (notable exception: Dilbert’s boss), and most of our tendencies to cause a fuss or get belligerent can be channeled into something constructive. However, nobody’s perfect, and when the trouble comes, a quick recovery – resilience – is a key workplace aptitude.

I Am Not Difficult!!

Of course, it’s much easier to recognize when someone else is being difficult (like when they screw up and try to blame you for it). How do you now handle what I’ll call workplace P.E.W. – “persistent, exasperating weirdness.” PEW!

For instance, how can you deal with “dishonest” behavior, such as lying, theft, etc.? It does no good to assume that someone is acting suspicious (or paranoid…), as that simply creates an endless loop that will perpetuate more of what you don’t want, wasting time, draining energy. Assuming someone is stealing won’t help you reach the goal of stopping the pattern of PEW.

This explains why it is not helpful to label people as difficult (no matter how difficult they are). Unconsciously, we’ll begin putting people into buckets – “Oh, he’s just a complainer,” “She is an intimidator…” and somehow expecting them to be that way. See if you can detect your self-talk chiding you, asking “Are they going to do that thing I hate?” Remember the original goal.

When You’re a Hammer

I’m not suggesting they don’t deserve the label, but only that it can cause trouble due to the “hammer-nail” syndrome. This syndrome implies that if your most familiar tool is a hammer, the whole world starts to look like a nail. So if you study and learn how to deal with complainers, you’ll be likely to look for that behavior so you can smack it – bang, bang. Now what?

Changing unwanted behaviors into constructive ones usually involves attention and some sort of an intervention by you, by a representative of management, or by a third party agent. If the person is being asked to stop using verbal put-downs, for example, be sure to include what they are to do instead (as basic as that may sound): help them develop a new skill or ability to transfer the positive intent behind the put-downs into something that communicates that intention. Tapping into motives and intentions will make for an easier and more productive conversation than simply saying “See, you’re doing it again … knock it off.”

Build a Strong Culture and the Leaders will Emerge

Have you noticed how “difficult” people – and the difficult situations they inspire – travel in herds? Fortunately, there’s a predictable pattern to most workplace weirdness. Unfortunately, by the time that pattern reveals itself, getting back to zero takes considerable work (not to mention patience and skill). To avoid the hammer-nail syndrome, an effective business strategy is to focus on fostering an environment where “difficult” behaviors are systematically discouraged.

Clear, willful agreements and precise accountability systems are the lens through which most difficult behaviors are discouraged, which frees people up from having to be “on guard” to instead focus on strengths, solid commitments, recognition and results.

As people tend to model what they see others doing – not what they hear espoused as corporate philosophy, but what they actually see demonstrated each day – effective people management and leadership skills are a key to fostering such an environment. This sets the tone and leads by encouragement, not fear.

For instance, it works better to bring peer pressure to bear on workplace issues like dishonesty and theft. To explain how such behavior hurts everyone will start to establish a social norm – a behavior standard, or code of conduct – that indirectly informs each worker of “how things are done around here.” Such an effort will reduce the chances that the organization will develop “difficult” people in the first place while circumventing troublesome behaviors before they spread.

Part 2 gives strategies for handling difficult behaviors and your responses to them. Follow this next link to view a related articled entitled “The Gentle Art of Confrontation,” a practical look at how to get people to actually hear bad news, or click below for Part 2:

Whose Stuff Is It?
Dealing with Difficult Workplace Behaviors, Part 2

Leadership in Action Series: Part 9

Speaking Up About Put-Downs

By Daniel Robin

This article series outlines several tools for dealing with patterns of aggressiveness.  Assertive leaders are clear about what they want, listen actively, make requests, set clean boundaries, and handle differences through skillful negotiation.  Of course, depending on the “personality” involved, it might be best to ask for help or get out of their way.

In Healthy Assertiveness: Pushy or Passionate?, we acknowledged the fine line between “strongly assertive” and “mildly aggressive” – indeed, it’s so subjective, people aggressively debate this topic with comments like “I’m not yelling!” or “If you think I’m being rude now, keep pushing me and I’ll show you what rude is!”

To make matters even more challenging, the “sender” and “receiver” often have completely different experiences of the original message.  One person might say “I’m finished explaining this,” and the receiver might assume they’re being punished for asking too many questions, when the sender was actually trying to say “I’m hoping you can take it from here … I’m out of time.”

Hallucinations, distortions and generalizations can lead to escalation of minor problems into emotional outbursts and twisted metal; ironically, such aggressiveness both causes and results in further distortions, when the triggering event could have been easily nipped in the bud.  The pattern creates a predictable loop that is also difficult to interrupt once it gets rolling.  This is a common occurrence because a leader is far more likely to “mislead” when there’s stress, tension, or pressure; which, at most companies, is most of the time.

The Gray Scale

One answer to unscrambling this miscommunication is to assign a number that represents the perceived degree of aggressiveness:  1 = very mildly aggressive (light gray, abrasive, more like assertiveness with attitude), while 11 = extremely aggressive (dark-gray, abusive – perhaps when someone loses it completely and gets physical or makes threats).  The scale is arranged in order of increasing impact.  For example, yelling and shouting typically have a more serious impact than simply being abrupt or dismissive.

The scale we use in workshops goes something like this:

11  Physical threats
10  Angry outbursts or loss of control
9  Yelling and shouting
8  Threats about the job
7  An aggressive, controlling manner
6  Blaming, discrediting or discounting
5  Insults and put-downs
4  Snubbing or ignoring people
3  Brevity or abruptness
2  Glaring eye contact:  “the look”
1  Silence

The purpose here is to decide in advance what’s acceptable in yourself and others.  Discuss it with your peers.  Take a poll.  See if you can find a guidepost to set standards.  For example, “In this department, we will call a ‘time out’ when anyone goes above a 5.”

Note that by itself, this scale does not decrease the impact of aggressiveness, but it does make the impact significantly more discussable.  A bit part of the problem is that aggressiveness can be so unpleasant or scary to others that open dialogue become rare if not impossible.  The use of this scale implies an agreement about what can be openly discussed.  Rational conversations are more likely when a person is relatively calm and treated in a factual, non-judgmental way.

Agree to Focus on Assertiveness

With an agreement to use this scale instead of harsher methods (disciplinary action, lawsuits, involuntary coaching, etc.), you might ask them “Where were you on the gray scale at the end of yesterday’s meeting?,” and you can compare perceptions.

I guarantee that the “hijacked” person will initially rate their behavior differently than those on the receiving end.  With time, and as awareness increases, the person will be able to anticipate that they are about to step over a line.  Not entirely unlike an alcoholic, who must first admit that there’s a problem (even if that “problem” is with other people’s perception of their aggressive behavior), people who frequently fly into a rage must learn not to swim in De Nile.

Giving Workplace Negativity a Sustainable Lift: Part 3

Ending the Blame & Shame Game — part 3 of 3

By Daniel Robin

“You did it again! How many times have I told you that it is not okay to socialize with your workers … you’re in charge here, and being seen as ‘Mr. nice guy’ undermines your authority.” The boss has spoken.

“I don’t ‘socialize’ with them … we just talk, Bob explains. “Plus, you and I go to lunch sometimes … why is that different?”

“Are you calling me a hypocrite?”

Bob’s boss, Phil, is a long-standing Blame Game champion. Just last week he told the CEO that his department’s failure to meet objectives was because the company doesn’t pay high enough wages. Hmmm. Responsibility anyone?

But rather than blaming the blamer (which requires the extended, 24-hour-a-day Family Edition of our annoying little game), how about if we find a way to help and support Bob’s boss – and people who act like him – to approach problems with a bit more tact and skill?

In most workplaces, when there’s a problem, a person or team automatically takes the heat. This article is about accepting responsibility without buying into the Blame Game.

Recognizing the Signs

The Blame Game stands in sharp contrast to (a) constructive criticism, (b) asserting a clear boundary, or (c) using skill and impartiality to solve problems or resolve breakdowns. How can you tell if someone is coming from blame and shame, delivering a message that makes wrong and puts down? Here are three telltale signs:

  1. The message and general ‘vibe’ tends to focus on what’s not wanted …. In the example above, when Phil outlaws socializing with workers, he’s focused on what he doesn’t want from Bob (weakened authority), but what does he want?
  2.  Focus on the past – and by definition, the past is entirely outside of everyone’s sphere of influence. When there’s nothing that can be done, blame and shame are a sad substitute for forgiveness.
  3.  No acknowledgement of a goal or desired result. If Bob wasn’t caught up in defending himself, he could’ve asked Phil, “So, what do you want me to do instead?”

You see, the object of the Blame Game is to confront issues so forcefully that people have no choice but to comply. Doesn’t usually work. Whenever someone is denied choice, expect resistance or long-term resentment.

Nobody likes to be put down, blamed, or criticized. Therefore, it is essential that problems get surfaced, and criticism gets delivered in a context that makes it possible for the other person to hear and use it.

Shifting from Blame to Aim

Have you ever worked with someone who can make difficult feedback easy to swallow? Some highly-skilled leaders can make a subtle character assassination feel like a birthday present. The key? No matter how bad the problem or screw-up, focus on the future – on shifting the game from Blame to Aim.

Aim Game objective: confront issues so tactfully that others naturally want to work it out. When you “complain” well, without shaming or making wrong, you refrain from the strain and pain that makes people insane (hey that almost rhymes!). Seek cooperation and understanding first, then be on the lookout for joint solutions. This not only takes less work, but also results in sustainable workplace agreements. The payoff: solutions that go deeply to the root cause and get upheld more often.

Giving Workplace Negativity a Sustainable Lift: Part 2

Gripe to Grip —  part 2 of 3

By Daniel Robin

Most of the workplaces I’ve known are in a state of perpetual chaos and disrepair … they are immense and never-ending exercises in surfacing dramatic problems and (in some cases) actually solving them. By contrast, highly bureaucratic or rigid organizations simply do not allow problems (denial anyone?). However, allowing personal attacks, emotional overwhelm, or whining endlessly doesn’t help either.

There’s a balance point between chaos and order, bureaucracy and anarchy, and the key to handling problems comes from involving employees as if that negativity is stored potential for organizational improvement – as if there’s a positive intention behind even the most annoying critical comment or seemingly irrelevant complaint.

As Tracy Kennedy from Lifehack.org (2018) points out, there is a good reason and positive intention for each of the basic emotions, both positive and negative:

  • Anger: to fight against problems
  • Fear: to protect us from danger
  • Anticipation: to look forward and plan
  • Surprise: to focus on new situations
  • Joy: to remind us what’s important
  • Sadness: to connect us with those [people or situations] we love(d)
  • Trust: to connect with people who help
  • Disgust: to reject what is unhealthy.

Indeed, research suggests that the human side of handling workplace negativity – skill and diplomacy with people – is even more important than the perfect business plan or strategy.

At best, skillfully dealing with negativity in others can be challenging and fun – if criticism, crankiness and complaints are shaped into a constructive forum for change. At worst, if left unstructured, such negativity can be frustrating and painful to be around.  Don’t let it cause you to “go negative” as opposition usually just gets more of both parties do not want.

Perhaps the goal is to complain and criticize constructively – without casting blame, without adding interpersonal friction to the catalog of work-related roadblocks – so you can get intended messages across and get breakthrough results. This column outlines a series of practical tips to get at the fun and payoff while skipping that other stuff.

Dealing with Habit Negatizers

Although people who focus on the negative to the exclusion of all else have a hard time staying employed, they do occasionally land in a workplace that happens to include you. With a reputation as a troublemaker or a complainer, they aren’t likely to be taken seriously (which, ironically, reinforces their negative predisposition). Pick a moment when they aren’t completely bent to offer these suggestions:

  1. Pick the largest and most important issue, and compartmentalize the rest. Writing down all the dislikes and putting the entire list in “storage” seems to help.
  2.  Define the problem or issue. Perhaps this effort alone will help put things in perspective.
  3.  See if anyone else shares the concern. Suggest that they bounce the topic off others –preferably neutral sounding boards – before escalating or developing a proposal to management. Build constituency and avoid going to the boss solo unless the issue is personal or personnel-related. If there’s baseline support for the idea, …
  4.  Develop a proposal that defines the problem (with supporting evidence based more in objective fact than in opinion), and outline a goal with two or more ways to reach it.
  5.  Make an appointment to present and discuss the proposal and get feedback.

Encourage them to find creative ways of venting and clearing layers of frustration out of the way, first, so they don’t “poison their pond” at work. Negatizers pay a huge price for emotional seepage – far greater than they probably realize.

So, rather than griping or complaining (“You know what bugs me the most?!”), make it constructive (“With these changes, we’ll get far better results because ….”).

If we assume that people are already motivated to do productive work, then we need only structure the day-to-day environment and interact respectfully to unleash this vast ocean of human energy – to rise above the problems – to accomplish great things with ease.

Next article: ending the blame game.