Category Archives: Building Relationships

Trusted lies and the meaning of money

Recent reporting in the US indicates that we have accepted, as a culture, a “new normal” of half-truths and blatant disregard for facts. Seriously? Yes, unfortunately, this is no lie. I wish I were kidding. Apparently, some will consider this is a virtue, a victory over the rule of law, reason, and unadulterated honest dealings. It isn’t.

Repeated lying, especially the “rinse, wash and reTweet” kind, eventually has its comeuppance. Drawing back the curtain of truth to reveal a squishy, truthy, ambiguous and slightly “magical” land, a universe where you can tell anyone that facts are for people too weak to imagine being a stronger, more confident leader? This has gone too far. The “Emperor’s New Clothes” may fit to a tee, but that’s still the ugliest suit I have ever seen!

But how do you reckon with “charming” liars who tell you what you want to hear, even (especially) if it doesn’t happen to be true? Humans are believed to have a predisposition to “situational” lying. The situation did it to me, make me do it, thus I cannot be held accountable. Who makes up this stuff? Apparently, some of us do, on a regular basis.

Being one’s word has to be more than how we feel in the moment. Sure, we all have occasional lapses, but true strength comes from having the integrity to clean up a misdirection before it turns into a mess.

Speaking of messes, there is tremendous social pressure to “believe” what others tell you, if you wish to be accepted. The need to belong or “affiliate” sometimes overrides the more rational and ethical part of the brain. It is a powerful opiate. This may be explain why there are those who buy into wild conspiracy theories that the rest of us know are not true, or at least such shared beliefs are so implausible (take QAnon for example) that there’s little reason to even check sources. Or how about whether or not Coronavirus was invented in a lab? I guess you’d have to ask the lab managers.

We say an idea is a conspiracy theory when we want to completely discount it and to discredit its speaker. People on both sides of the current US political polarization fall prey to a long list of bat-shit-crazy views, mostly a form of “group think” that is reckless, dangerous and often just sad.

Do we need to start a massive re-education program on critical thinking, the rule of law, and how science and other evidence-based practices can help quell the disinformation channel? Unfortunately, no such luck. It wouldn’t help because there are unexpected benefits of buying into conspiracy theories that seem to outweigh the risk of reputation loss or to being seen as mentally disturbed. Those who entertain and ultimately buy into such theories are now part of our culture, too, pushing rights to free speech to a place that has only recently begun self-correcting.

Further, the tone of discourse on this topic tends to be highly combative, no doubt out of righteous anger and frustration with those who follow those pesky little things called facts, or those (some would say) that think for themselves, not as the media wants them to think. That seems to include both those who lack imagination — and need to assume things are not as they appear — as well as those who apparently have too much of it.

“Coming together is a beginning.
Keeping together is progress.
Working together [skillfully] is success.”
– Henry Ford

For my part, I can no longer gaze upon this world gone mad, where science is just an “alternative” set of facts to the “truth” that others see, and expect it to end well. Even during times of crisis, observing more than one set of facts with dispassion is like some rubber-necking motorist witnessing a slow-motion train wreck. The moral detritus is piling up, and the highways and byways of truth are clogged, choking and sputtering on the accumulating BS, even as the economy (once called the “global casino” by Fritjof Capra, now the title of a titular book on human-caused environmental issues), immune to what people think, has begun to find its “true calling” or higher purpose in several opportunities that deserve our full and unequivocal support. Money doesn’t care. So we have to.

Since this column is about business, I’ll now navigate away from politics to discuss the more important realm of money and meaning, supposedly the reason many of us choose to work in the first place. The political overlay is about context and how we treat each other.

Money & Meaning — what’s the cost/benefit of making a buck?

The purpose of money is not merely to perpetuate itself to make more of it. To many of us, making money is, by itself, devoid of meaning, so we must ascribe to it that which we find meaningful. We make it up. What has meaning for you? What matters most? Second most? I often suggest that any journey include at least three ways of measuring success. This will usually (if done right) reflect cherished values and principles.

If our values allow us to pursue wealth and luxury for its own sake, just to have wealth, or to be wealthy, no matter the means, then that outdated view of capitalism explains the unruly game that gets played in many circles. But what of human relations? Do we wish to stay inside this circle and only trade with those who will uphold a money-focused “ethics free zone,” or would we prefer to find richness, beauty and fulfillment in a wider circle, one that which includes those that may sharply differ from our own worldviews, but are nonetheless interested in mutual respect, dignity, and wholesomeness?

I guess the question reveals my bias … yes, there is a right answer, but maybe it is not so simple.

Now I’d like to use the current US “political theater” to highlight a few salient points. The clogging arteries of “truth and justice” do not end well for anybody, so we are starting to see an expose’ on “the game,” from both a linguistic and humanistic perspective. I’ll add my two cents to the mounting literature, some of it pleading, occasionally moralizing (if there is a choice of taking the “higher road” to a flourishing life, wouldn’t you take it?), because in my view, we simply cannot continue like this, socially distant, for now, but worlds apart. Enough is enough.

Is changing one’s mind a sign of strength or weakness? Yes. I mean, No.

A huge insult in politics is to call someone a “flip-flopper” and yet changing positions (based more on new information, or dawning awareness, not just political convenience) has become part and parcel of rewriting history, an attempt to “reframe” reality, to bend it, as some sort of a revisionist’s dream, stating and restating the world as we wished it were. As if the current position is the only one that matters and nothing that has come before matters? Admittedly, the American public has a short memory span, made even shorter by Twitter and other top-of-the-trees reports and voices that would like to matter. But to neglect recent history in favor of the one preferred by a determined group is just another deception that must be rejected.

Remember the saying, “If we knew better, we’d do better?” Guess what? We know better.

I once had a mediation gig in Kuwait. It was a very entrenched dispute that had gone completely off the rails. Every day, for nearly 3 weeks, the parties agreed to put their differences aside and declared a new day. This was inefficient, at best (although at that point it was the all they could do to show a willingness to restart talks without losing face). Later we did manage to talk about the past and learn from it, and go on to finish the project, but even with strained relations, business leaders must reject the tendency to cast aside all prior results and plans in favor of a “new day.” The enterprise’s history and team’s core values must inform decisions starting today. What’s the hype versus what’s the hope for a shared future? That’s a conversation worth having!

Lying certainly can have an upside (some claim that such manipulation is good for your career), buffer our relationships, provide excuses for someone to temporarily feel safe with their own truth. We often lie to ourselves, and who hasn’t tried to get away with a so-called white lie here and there? That doesn’t necessarily make you a liar or a bad person. Not knowing how people lie and twist the truth could set you up for being blinded when someone else does it, but that isn’t an endorsement of crime as a way to catch criminals either. Learn how to handle your own fluctuating emotions and need for ego gratification without taking others prisoner. This is what responsible adults do.

Energy Conservation Starts at Home

The corporate mindset of the media made a big deal about Bill Clinton’s affair(s) because they could. We see this ‘smear job’ (tongue in cheek) of attack-and-defend tying up a huge amount of energy in the political sandbox — nothing more than drama born of win-lose thinking — energy that could instead be used for getting on with the real work of improving the sandbox.

What is presently just a distraction begging for you to take the bait (yet again), the monkey chatter in the leaves of the tree (Twitter still has a lot of it, as does all social media, even if they’re recently growing something akin to a backbone) versus the more important question, “what about the trunk?” What do we wish to grow? How will we grow?

The Wizard of Oz invited us to not be distracted by the man behind the curtain. Why do such illusions often seem so real, and why do we keep falling into the trap of getting hooked by the drama of opposition or of adversarial alliances? It is one of the oldest distraction techniques on earth. Sun Tzu‘s “Art of War” was published before any of us were even born, and yet it continues to play on our humanity, our vulnerability, our darker tendencies? Its called shadow. We all have one.

How to rise out of that conundrum and into the light? Be sure not to get caught up in fear. The antidote to fear, a similar experience in the body, is excitement and audacious assertiveness (“a willingness to take surprisingly bold risks”), but doing so skillfully and respectfully. Why? Because we can’t easily minimize or eliminate fear, thus better to maximize our audacity … with integrity, honesty, and skillful presentation to the right people, asking until … [we reach our goals], acting as if we have nothing to lose (because we don’t, in that context), building confidence in our better offer, building character, and honing our core selves.

Even if democracy takes a serious body slam among the way, at least we’ll be better humans, worn smoother around the edges by the friction caused by our respectful audaciousness.

I’m writing all this in hopes of ensuring that this situation, longer-term, doesn’t drift into an unrecoverable lose-lose dynamic for all us stakeholders. Short of believing in miracles, we seem to be heading down the road of fewer options than normal. A 2-party system is becoming a no-party system. Narrowing our choices because we’re uninterested in booting and using the part of the brain that involves reason, reflection, or funny little things called facts must not become our de facto plan. That’s worse than having no plan.

3M’s — Manipulation, Misleading, and Masquerading

A recent transaction with someone in West Africa supported the value of American politics admitting that they liked the “all action, no talk” approach. That is hardly what we want to teach others, and behavior role models are what we Americans (and others in the developed world) offer, by silent default, unless refuted, or cast out. I cannot condone such mindless and corrupt reasoning, so let’s talk about these three M’s and then define the higher road.

M1: Manipulation: “I know you are but what am I?” is the childish ploy of turning the table on the schoolyard, employed regularly by master manipulators. Point-by-point comebacks that set the record straight are rare but necessary. This is the art of war and getting one’s message across. “Crooked Hillary” and Lying Ted Cruz are examples of manipulation in the last election that became memes (spread on their own) cannot displace facts to the contrary.

M2: Misleading information about elections being hacked or corrupt just don’t line up with the facts. Spreading an effective lie (so that it travels well enough to “infect” millions of others, as thought-viruses often do) is still lying. Our ability to survive and thrive as a nation depends on regaining our sense of what is real. It may take a long time to get over this past “race to the bottom” with so-called fake news, hyper-partisanship, and polarized “enemy stance” … mutually assured destruction, but it must be carried in the minds and hearts of every American, even as the “tribal warfare” unfolds. Things have gotten far too bad and it is far too late for cynicism.

The US has been in the de facto leader on many fronts (though lagging behind in some areas, such as protecting the environment) for decades. More recently, we began “exporting” an unfortunate byproduct of our bipartisan politics: the belief that action is more important than truth. That if you act strong and appear to be decisive (even if resultant policy decisions are entirely wrong-headed) somehow that is more important than the nuance and care required to live according to one’s principles?

If greed is all that matters, and the end justifies the means, then take everything, leave nothing but a trail of betrayal and scorched earth, and be sure to never apologize, admit one’s mistakes, or learn anything. That sort of self-reflection is for the weak. What kind of leadership is this, exactly?

M3: Masquerading: Instead of masquerading for effect, or playing the role seemingly required of us by party, church, the boss, spouses, etc., how about if we show up as our authentic selves? I know this sounds simplistic, even somewhat outrageous to suggest, but as written above, and in a business plan recently, “Audacity has to outpace fear.”

Stand up, Put people in their place, Set boundaries

The race to the bottom has finally arrived. We made it! So now what? Instead of planning another attack on democracy, or on each other, what we can and must do is uphold our respective areas of mutual respect, set the tone, but don’t be “nice” about it, be real.

The meek may yet inherit the earth, but will they want it? And would they have the nerve to step up to the podium and accept it?

Thanks for listening/reading. Respectful rebuttals are encouraged.

Daniel

Sailing the Seven C’s of Collaborative Business Relationships

By Daniel Robin

To some folks, the phrase “business relationships” is effectively an oxymoron. The more pressure to perform, the more likely there’ll be a bump in the road to collaboration that sends things flying out of control. Hopefully the “bump” isn’t the tip of an iceberg, but just a bit of rough water that will soon pass. Collaboration at work isn’t required, it’s just a lot more satisfying and fun when it works out that way.

These Seven C’s provide a platform for building a culture where teamwork thrives, people are happy and productive doing their best work ever, and can remain resilient in the face of these constantly-churning whitewaters.

The first three C’s are about you – how skillful you are in handling your business relationships; the remaining four factors are key to having successful agreements – where agreements provide the safety net that makes workplaces work. These seven C’s work together as a system of cooperation, continuous growth and performance improvement.

Courage – You have the nerve to say what must be said, and you temper it with consideration for the listener (the next principle), so the communication remains two-way. You show integrity when you assert what you know, and by daring to admit what you don’t know. “Integrity” implies knowing if your communication is based in objective fact, your opinion (an interpretation of those facts), or a blending of both. Sometimes it takes courage to let silence speak on your behalf. Inquiry: Where might you want to step up and be more courageous in your business dealings?
Consideration – As a sign of respect, you take into account the other person’s needs and wants, their present situation, and you “step into their shoes” (better yet, dance in them) – without losing focus on the goals at hand. Paradoxically, the more considerate you are, the more tough-minded and courageous you can be without breaking rapport. Considerate also means listening so carefully that you can make requests and offers in ways that fit for the other person. How often do you let in the other person’s agenda before pursuing your own?
Consistency – Do you treat everyone the same? (“Sure, I treat everyone like dirt.”) No, I mean are you consistent, not arbitrary or biased, in your business relations? Do you operate out of a set of core values and principles (perhaps including these 7 C’s?) or are you subject to whims? Consistency is the basis for being seen as reliable, dependable, trustworthy. When you can predict what someone will do, it engenders “trust” (even if you don’t like their behavior). As a professional, do you put the company’s interests ahead of personalities and egos? When mistakes are made, do you focus on learning, on closing the gap between principles and practice?

Four Pillars of Agreements Business is about forwarding the action and getting results. In order to uphold and apply the first three principles, the following four conditions must be met. If any of these four factors miss the mark, chances are good that the agreement will go nowhere.

Clarity – You and colleagues are clear about what needs to be done – the goal is explicit and you have acknowledged the complete set of “conditions of satisfaction” (“Oh, you want it this Friday?”). There are five elements to a complete request … make sure the other person knows and can verify what they are agreeing to. See The Art and Practice of Agreement for details.
Capacity – This is about one’s “bandwidth,” real-world ability to see it through to completion, to stay focused over time, to clear the path. If one’s plate is so full that the new agreement won’t fit, the capacity to get the job done is low. Self-talk: “This fits for me.”
Competence: Having the skills and experience to carry out the request properly, and managing your resources so that you can honor all your agreements. This includes renegotiating the minute you notice an agreement that’s likely to run aground. Competence also means making request of others to get help, and only making agreements with those who are competent to carry out the request.
Commitment – A solid “yes” that represents unwavering alignment to give one’s best effort. Your self-talk might be: “My word is my bond.” Skillfully check for any unacknowledged resistance or concerns. Surface the downsides to enjoy the upsides. If you’re not able to gain a commitment (or you are not willing), find out what other commitments are in the way. “If not this, what are you committed to? How can we work it out so that both get the investment of time and attention they each deserve?”

Apply What You Know, Set Sail, and Go! And if you were to rate yourself on each of these Seven C’s, which are most solid –established strengths – and which one leaves you all wet? Pick one to ponder during the coming weeks, and you’ll find that heightened attention to navigating those difficult waters makes for smoother sailing on the seas of business relationships. What’s the foundational relationship skill? Read Rapport: The Link to Gaining Cooperation to find out. What are the specific behaviors of collaboration? Request Collaborate to Accelerate: The Five Behaviors of Collaborative Leadership to learn more.

Humor in the Workplace: Compulsion or Choice?

Someday we’ll look back on these times and laugh … so why not start now!?

By Daniel Robin

Two executives walk into a bar. One says to the other “I’ve been thinking. If you took over as CEO, I could retire early.” The other executive responds, “Sure, dear, but not until after we put the kids to bed.”

(What? Oh, I get it … that’s like a joke, but not as funny. What matters is that now we’ve opened up the door for something funnier to come along. As the saying goes, “you can’t fall off the floor.”)

Humor’s Risks and Rewards

When humor can be used to bridge gaps, relieve tension, or add enjoyment to work relationships, everyone benefits. When it is used to mask true feelings — often the case with sarcasm — or, when cultural and style differences lead to misinterpretation, there’s likely a cost.

Is humor part of your natural style? If so, let’s check out how to manage the risks of having fun. If not, that’s okay … I hear they pay pretty well at the DMV (oops, there goes my license).

Being PC in a World That Isn’t

Being politically correct in a world of political hypocracy and madness can be quite a trick. In the past, if someone or something was different from us, we’d tend to make fun — a natural (though perhaps immature) response. How do you currently deal with people or events you don’t understand?

Nowadays, diversity and gender sensitivity training asks that we respect and value the differences. Still, because old attitudes often die slowly, expect a gap between this espoused theory and daily practice. Can humor fill this gap? It can if you’re willing to risk and learn.

I Don’t Get It … Is that a Joke?

For starters, if someone seems humor impaired (oh, excuse me, that’s “levity challenged”), assume it’s you that needs to lighten up, not them. In effect, they’re not lacking a sense of humor … it’s just that you haven’t yet found a way to get past the guard dog to tickle that soft underbelly. Keep trying (or pick on someone else’s underbelly), paying close attention to the responses you get. Remember: a blank stare or no response is a response.

If the other person is noticeably upset, walk softly (and carry a big schtick? No. Be careful.). Initially match their mood or energy level. If you can’t tell where they’re coming from, ask. Putting yourself at choice in your use of humor is key to minimizing the risks. If you offend, learn from it. Apologize. This type of open exchange can, ironically, encourage healthier and more honest interactions.

Taking the Heat Off

When someone has a big problem with something you did (or didn’t do), humor offers an effective alternative to either brushing them off, being defensive, or caving in. For example, if you just kept someone waiting, what if you say “I was abducted by aliens.” That’s probably better than saying “You messed up, you trusted me,” or “Boy, some people never learn….” When in doubt, make fun of yourself.

The important thing is to show that you have a sense of humor and are willing to use it. Yes, if you go overboard with humor you might get yourself labeled a goof or “loose cannon.” (So what do they know?! You can always just blow up their office.) There are times, however, when kidding around can be a tremendous asset, a compassionate and effective diplomatic tool. At other times, instead of being “nice,” it might be more helpful to just be “real.”

Humor is a tool, not a weapon. You’ll know you’re on the right track when the times are fun and the flies laugh more than they hurt. Or something like that….

The Gentle Art of Confrontation

By Daniel Robin

When you have a difficult message to convey to someone, how do you get them to listen non-defensively? This article explores methods of delivering so-called “bad news” with maximum effectiveness and minimum offensiveness.

Consider the following situation at the office: a co-worker consistently deflects, resists, or lashes back each time you initiate an open an honest discussion of an issue. You’ve become frustrated or upset with this person’s attitude and inability to hear your message. You’d like to express how it is for you, get to an understanding or agreement, and move on.

Have you thought about why they would be resisting? Just to be difficult? Fear? Self-preservation? Perhaps you just haven’t found a way to fly in “under their radar.”

If the other person’s behavior is bothering you then you own the decision about how to handle it. Your options are: avoid, accommodate, defer to someone else, or confront. Don’t expect the other person to notice you are bothered. If you tend to avoid confrontations, an important question to ask yourself is “Will the situation change if I do nothing?” If you confront, you might arrive at a win-win (negotiated) solution, a compromise, or no deal.

Given a typical situation in your work or everyday life, what would you normally do?

The best move depends on two factors: (1) your ultimate goal or agenda with this person, and (2) their natural communication style (relative to your own style).

Gaining Leverage

Let’s assume you have to work together, or perhaps you’re in a relationship you value for someother reason. If you are holding a negative opinion about the other person, you could just go directly for what you want: for them to hear you, see it your way, and perhaps to change their behavior. Directly confronting the issue by telling them what you think will clear it for you, but might not get your true message across. Why? Because there are two components; there’s the content of your message (“You missed another deadline”) and your feelings about that message (“… and I’m sick and tired of it.”). What’s your true intention in making the other person aware of your view? Being overly assertive can get you “resolution” at the expense of the relationship.

Assuming you want to preserve or strengthen your relationship with this person and simultaneously get your point across, you need leverage. Have you noticed that people always — yes, always — operate out of their needs, wants, and desires? If you knew their interests (to get a raise, to get you off their back) or their intentions (to get along better with people), you’d have a way to reach your goal without manipulating, controlling, badgering, or otherwise upsetting them. Knowing their agenda would empower you to make a request or to offer a potential solution in terms they will value.

So how do you find out?

Ask It Like It Is

What’s more likely to get you on track toward your goal: asking or telling? Telling it like it is may be satisfying for you in the moment, but will it get you the response you want? Asking direct, powerful questions — rather than making a strong assertion — will reveal lots about their agenda. That awareness allows you to move with and find ways to blend with their desired outcome, so you can reach your ultimate goal.

Asking questions and listening creates “psychological air” for them to hear you. In short, avoid explaining your viewpoint or making requests until after you’ve discovered theirs.

Flex Over to Their Style

You’ll get more leverage if you acknowledge and match their natural communication style. Style reflects values, which points to their likely outcome, providing a good platform for negotiation and agreement. For example, if they are a particularly task-oriented person, they might forget to include the team in key decisions. By knowing they care more about getting the job done than about chit-chat, you’ll be better able to couch things in terms they will understand.

Consumer protection warning: unless you have permission to dig and do process problem-solving, avoid asking “Why” questions. It puts people on the defensive and tends to talk about the past. Instead, use questions that start with “What” or “How.” When you ask questions, to avoid sounding like an interrogator, carry the intent to learn, be genuinely curious and interested. It’s far less threatening. Being in a state of childlike curiosity is quite “disarming.”

Now It’s Your Turn

So, if your goal is to influence the other person’s behavior, the next step is to get them to hear and value how the situation personally affects you. When you have rapport, the classic “I” message is probably your best “tell” alternative. An “I” message uses the template “I feel [name the feeling] when you [describe the behavior] because [state the consequences or reasons for your feelings]” and is clear and direct. The sequence is key: state your feeling first, then their part described in behavioral terms, then what it means to you. If you begin with “You …” everything after that will be deflected and they’ll probably say “You…” also.

There are two ways that even carefully constructed “I” messages can backfire: (1) They often provoke defensiveness or resistance, perching the listener at the edge of what we call the “blame frame.” (2) The person might not be inspired to care about your feelings nor about their role in producing your feelings. In business, some “I” messages will get you a chilly “That’s your problem, isn’t it?” For instance, how would Rambo respond to “I feel scared when you …”?

If you can assert your view with no attachment to being heard (in other words, the message sent is for you, not for them), then an “I” message will help you be responsible, be candid in the moment, to clear your feelings. After delivering your “I” message, double-check to see if the person is still available to hear the message (informational) part of your “I” message.

Another “tell” approach is called the “sandwich technique” and will often buy you the joy of being heard: first acknowledge their positive intentions or behavior, drop the bombshell (try “In the future, I suggest…”, or “You might consider…”), then conclude with more positive reinforcement.

This velvet glove approach must be brief and sincere, or you’ll get interrupted with “Get to the point!” or “Okay, what’s the bad news?” This technique not only softens the blow when you have difficult news to deliver, but it also keeps you from blurting out your feelings in ways that might not fit for the other person.

Lastly, and probably the most effective, is to make a request. Rather than saying “I’m sick and tired of you always arriving late for our meetings!” try “I request that you to recommit to our agreement about being on time. Does that work for you?” Or “Will you pay me $10 every time you are more than 10 minutes late to a meeting?” Even if your request is not accepted, at least you’ll make your point without verbal abuse. Who knows, you might even acquire some supplementary income.

Trust: Part 1

What’s Trust Got To Do With It?

By Daniel Robin

Practically everything! Have you ever heard someone say “I just can’t trust that person!” or “Hey, why don’t you just trust me?” Trust is an odd thing: on the one hand, it’s probably the single most important ingredient in successful relationships. On the other hand, partly because trust is in our heads — a state of mind, an interpretation, a subjective feeling that develops over time — it is not clear how to reliably improve it.

Of the importance of trust there is little doubt. A high degree of trust would permit me to take you on your word, to accept your statements at face value without question. I could give you the “benefit of the doubt.” We’d be free to derive maximum benefit from our relationship.

On the other extreme, a high degree of distrust creates quite a mess: a climate of fear and anxiety would make productive work nearly impossible, shifting the focus from flowing collaboration to suspicious second-guessing, guarded (if any) participation, and probably a pattern of conflict avoidance or passive-aggressiveness. Worse, our moral judgments about each other’s untrustworthiness make resolution of these problems quite unlikely.

Most workplace relationships fall somewhere between these two extremes. What’s wanted is not just blind trust, but a solid confidence grounded in reality. The challenge: different people give different weight to the importance of being reliable, of keeping a promise. The key: accurately give the degree of trust that is (1) appropriate for that relationship, and (2) necessary for obtaining the results you’re after.

This article and the next two redefine trust in terms that you can discuss openly with others, will help you to strategically increase your ability to trust others (while handling potential risks and downsides), and will explore how you can become more trustworthy.

Trust, a Second-hand Emotion?

In our culture, there’s a tendency to think of trust in terms of the other person’s trustworthiness. And yet, the one person over whom you have a reasonable amount of control is — you guessed it — yourself. Thus, if you focus on whether or not you can trust others, you’re just as likely, one of these days, to experience distrust as not. Sooner or later you’ll come up with an example of how they “just can’t be trusted.” A more useful question to ask yourself is “Can I predict their behavior?”

Consistency isn’t simply a virtue, it is a practical basis for developing effective working relationships. If you can predict someone’s behavior — even if you know they will screw up — you can count on that. This means that the goal is to learn how people operate: pay attention, notice what results they consistently produce and where they get stuck, so you can handle contingencies, mitigate the risks, or involve someone else.

For example, when considering delegating a project, ask yourself “Will this relationship support these results?” If not, why not? Relationship too new? Results too important to fully delegate and let go? It probably wouldn’t work to say “I’d like to trust you here, but ….” So what can you do? Talk openly about your concerns, your desire to let them run with it coupled with your conditions of satisfaction.

As human behavior is normally difficult to predict, use your interpersonal skills to form clear, unambiguous agreements and use those agreements as the proving ground for reliability. By setting expectations (“conditions of satisfaction”) on the front end, and make sure you get a clear commitment, yes or no, on or off. That helps us hold accountable based on facts and evidence, not just based on our personal history.

Trust Isn’t the Goal, It’s the Result

If we give up trust as a goal, our past negative experiences when we trusted unwisely will no longer color our interpretations. You’ll have a living demonstration of a person’s reliability (and they’ll have one of yours), so you can both trust the truth — and learn from it.

Workplace Power Dynamics: Part 3

Hidden Sources of Power at Work

By Daniel Robin

Many of us hold archaic assumptions about power … and there are precious few new archetypes or role models. To me, the greatest power comes from collaboration … from skillfully going inside our differences and working cooperatively toward building something better than we had at the start. The key here will be to use those forms of power that balance your approach: to simultaneously create sustainable work relationships and the desired results, with the least amount of effort.

Traditional forms of power are highly inefficient and often not very effective in the long run. For example, did any bombing of Iraq accomplish America’s real objective? I think not – a classic case of not much “bang” for lots of “buck.” Do we need different leadership, or do we need leadership leading differently?

Stop and think for a moment: what’s truly powerful to you? Remaining calm in the heat of the moment? Dealing well with complex problems? Being direct and honest? How do you express your power and potential in the workplace?

Of the many types and uses of power, the ones that bring up fear, anger, or harsh judgements usually involve the use of overt force (win-lose tactics) or are covert, cut-throat competitive and ultimately destructive. Although it is human nature to have destructive urges, particularly when confronted by other people’s misuse of power, but there’s little point in giving power away if nothing comes of it.

Do you give power away?

There’s a sharp but subtle difference between giving away power and sharing what power you have. If I give away my power – perhaps by acting in haste due to emotional hijacking, or by failing to act courageously due to fear and “analysis paralysis”– then nobody really benefits. When I share power, I also share my legitimacy and my ability to get things done.

Consider the “commodities” of power at work: useful information or knowledge … backing, support, approval … or scarce resources like time and attention. Granting this type of power to another person’s priorities (or even your own!) is rarely wasteful.

The more commonplace sources of power are often used to coerce or control. Here I’d like to outline seven potent forms of power, summarized below, that are more subtle and often overlooked.

1. Collaboration – “two heads are better than one.”
2. Crystal-clear focus of attention on desired results. Clarity is power, and what you attend to, grows. Your clear purpose magnetizes others as it guides your own actions like a compass.
3. Acceptance – The power of accepting, acknowledging, and aligning with “what is.”
4. Flexibility is powerful – those who remain flexible are least likely to “get bent out of shape.”
5. Intuition, the power of instinctively knowing, ignoring rational evidence to the contrary, following your gut.
6. Self-awareness – as if someone held up a mirror so you could see how you operate.
7. Play and Renewal. Let the cycles of tension die away, get the Alligators of Anxiety to take a hike, have some fun for awhile and recharge!

Now we’ll dive into each one a bit. Some have associated articles for further exploration:

The Power of Collaboration – The article “Collaboration At Work” describes how to harness this source. Working in collaboration is a powerful leverage point to get things done in the modern workplace. It is particularly important to be able to collaborate with people who are unlike you — if two people are too similar, think alike, value the same things, have the same great ideas … then one of them is probably unnecessary.
The power of crystal-clear focus on the desired result. Clarity of purpose is powerful. Even if you don’t tell anybody, clear intention magnetizes and attracts those who can imagine their role it. How clear are you and your team (even if that team is your internal committee or virtual board of directors) of your dream, realist, and critic) on I don’t mean just knowing the general direction and having a sense of the next few steps to get you there, I mean having a full 3D representation of the place you’d like to arrive – and who is going there with you – before taking step one. Ask yourself and would-be collaborators: What do we want? How would we know we’re there? What would it look like (What would we be seeing), sound like (What would I be hearing), and feel like (what would I taste, smell or sense) once we are there?
The power of acceptance, non-judgmental, unconditional, peaceful acceptance of “what is.” This is similar to surrender, or selectively and strategically abandoning one’s strangle-hold on what’s yet to be in favor of aligning with the flow of nature, the Tao, the path of less resistance.
The power of flexibility – the wisdom here is that those who remain flexible are least likely to bent out of shape. Flexibility is a capability that allows us to be change adept, able to leap to action or sit and design an approach through careful analysis and assessment of “what is.” The person with the most options and greatest flexibility ultimately has the most control. There’s nothing quite as dangerous as a person with only one right answer.
The power of intuition, of instinctively knowing, ignoring all rational evidence to the contrary and following your gut.
The power of self-awareness. This is about the power of knowing yourself, being able to witness yourself as if someone was holding up a mirror to see clearly how you are operating. This is the “rough equivalent of opposable thumbs….” (Wes Nisker)
The power of play and renewal. When most or all of the direct, focused and goal seeking juice has been expended, and the desired results still sit off in the distance, when would it be more powerful in the long run to sit back and have a good laugh, throw open a “stress release valve” and let the cycles of tension and Alligators of Anxiety take a hike? However, many of us prefer to simply stay on a project until it is complete; this is fine when you’re flying solo, but pay attention to collaborators or employees who may need to focus on something else for awhile. The wisdom here is what Covey called “Sharpening the saw.”

In the end, our opinions (interpretations, judgments, and beliefs …) aren’t nearly as useful or powerful as our ability to witness that we all hold but a piece of the elephant. Skillful collaboration is a lot like being of two minds, as if both perspectives are within you (because they are, or will be, if you practice), and by taking turns leading and listening, you can usually find a much stronger path to a far better future.

Leadership in Action Series: Part 9

Speaking Up About Put-Downs

By Daniel Robin

This article series outlines several tools for dealing with patterns of aggressiveness. Assertive leaders are clear about what they want, listen actively, make requests, set clean boundaries, and handle differences through skillful negotiation. Of course, depending on the “personality” involved, it might be best to ask for help or get out of their way.

In Healthy Assertiveness: Pushy or Passionate?, we acknowledged the fine line between “strongly assertive” and “mildly aggressive” – indeed, it’s so subjective, people aggressively debate this topic with comments like “I’m not yelling!” or “If you think I’m being rude now, keep pushing me and I’ll show you what rude is!”

To make matters even more challenging, the “sender” and “receiver” often have completely different experiences of the original message. One person might say “I’m finished explaining this,” and the receiver might assume they’re being punished for asking too many questions, when the sender was actually trying to say “I’m hoping you can take it from here … I’m out of time.”

Hallucinations, distortions and generalizations can lead to escalation of minor problems into emotional outbursts and twisted metal; ironically, such aggressiveness both causes and results in further distortions, when the triggering event could have been easily nipped in the bud. The pattern creates a predictable loop that is also difficult to interrupt once it gets rolling. This is a common occurrence because a leader is far more likely to “mislead” when there’s stress, tension, or pressure; which, at most companies, is most of the time.

The Gray Scale

One answer to unscrambling this miscommunication is to assign a number that represents the perceived degree of aggressiveness: 1 = very mildly aggressive (light gray, abrasive, more like assertiveness with attitude), while 11 = extremely aggressive (dark-gray, abusive – perhaps when someone loses it completely and gets physical or makes threats). The scale is arranged in order of increasing impact. For example, yelling and shouting typically have a more serious impact than simply being abrupt or dismissive.

The scale we use in workshops goes something like this:

11 Physical threats
10 Angry outbursts or loss of control
9 Yelling and shouting
8 Threats about the job
7 An aggressive, controlling manner
6 Blaming, discrediting or discounting
5 Insults and put-downs
4 Snubbing or ignoring people
3 Brevity or abruptness
2 Glaring eye contact: “the look”
1 Silence

The purpose here is to decide in advance what’s acceptable in yourself and others. Discuss it with your peers. Take a poll. See if you can find a guidepost to set standards. For example, “In this department, we will call a ‘time out’ when anyone goes above a 5.”

Note that by itself, this scale does not decrease the impact of aggressiveness, but it does make the impact significantly more discussable. A bit part of the problem is that aggressiveness can be so unpleasant or scary to others that open dialogue become rare if not impossible. The use of this scale implies an agreement about what can be openly discussed. Rational conversations are more likely when a person is relatively calm and treated in a factual, non-judgmental way.

Agree to Focus on Assertiveness

With an agreement to use this scale instead of harsher methods (disciplinary action, lawsuits, involuntary coaching, etc.), you might ask them “Where were you on the gray scale at the end of yesterday’s meeting?,” and you can compare perceptions.

I guarantee that the “hijacked” person will initially rate their behavior differently than those on the receiving end. With time, and as awareness increases, the person will be able to anticipate that they are about to step over a line. Not entirely unlike an alcoholic, who must first admit that there’s a problem (even if that “problem” is with other people’s perception of their aggressive behavior), people who frequently fly into a rage must learn not to swim in De Nile.

The Benefits and Advantages of Coaching

Still not clear on what coaching is? Here’s a definition

For the Coach

You don’t have to have all the answers
Unleashed creativity … more options and choices open up … less a sense of limitation or stuckness.
Fewer barriers to innovation, … solutions arrive rather than continued head-banging
Agreements upheld more often
Shared responsibility frees you up to innovate, focus on building relationships
(If manager or supervisor is coaching) Better employee performance

For the Person Being Coached

Employee feels more intrinsically motivated and in charge
Increased commitment to doing one’s best
Agreements upheld more often … feels good to be one’s word more often
Increased self-esteem and confidence
More creativity and support for innovative problem-solving
Better results, influence, advancement and abundance … a sense of greater worth, intrinsic and otherwise